To think I should be able to take my daughter on holiday

[jj3457]

Hi everyone. I know some people may not like this, but I am a dad posting, just looking for some advice.

I told my ex I would like to take our daughter (3) on holiday to spain for 5 days with me and my mum.

Now this is where I messed up, and I will hold my hands up. I was dishonest when I told her I would be going with my mum. We will actually be going with my partner who my ex hasn’t met. I know this was a stupid lie but I was just worried my ex wouldn’t give consent for the holiday if she knew who was actually going.

To make matter worse, my ex has now found out that my mum is actually going to Florida for 2 weeks at the time I said she was coming to Spain with us.

My ex has messaged to say that she will not be handing over the passport until I give explicit details about the travel. I know that once I tell her I’m going with my partner she will refuse to consent. The holiday is booked and paid for.

I know I’m in the wrong for being dishonest but I am on the birth certificate and have as much right as she does to take her on the holiday. My ex has taken her abroad several times before and this is my first time.

what can I do if my ex refuses to give consent?

thanks

"Just to update everyone:
Ex responded and said she would give consent for the holiday providing she is given contact details for my girlfriend “in case of emergencies”. She has also asked for some form of contact with my gf so she can have “a brief conversation”.
I am not comfortable with this".

Why not??? Now this IS being unreasonable.

I’m sorry I would not be letting anyone take my 3yr old abroad to Spain. If you are so keen to take your daughter on holiday, go somewhere in the UK, so that you can get her home if she wants to go home or mum. My husband would not have asked this. Are you actually thinking about your daughter needs? Or what you think are your rights? The 3yr old is the one that should be at the centre of all this not any of the grown ups.

No one is legally bound to attend a holiday because of a booking

You are now misrepresenting the situation having failed to be a responsible and trustworthy parent; lying and expecting your child and possibly your mother to lie about who she was on holiday with

If you aren’t capable of being away with your daughter on your own, accept that and allow the mother to make informed decisions

She absolutely has a right to know who is spending time with her child legal or not. You’ve lied and got found out. I think you might have to chalk this one up to experience and move on. How would you feel if she lied and was taking your daughter away with some bloke you’ve never met? Really think about it.

Hi
By your own admission you have been dishonest.
I would ask to meet with your ex come completely clean and admit to the lies. Explain your reasons but also apologise and acknowledge how it must have looked. Share full travel details and ask if she will give permission. If not I think you need to acknowledge her reasons and accept that you can't take your daughter this year.

As a compromise ask if you can take her for a weekend away in the UK.

During the next 12 months show how honest and trustworthy you can be and hope that she will give permission in future.

I would like to say though fair play for wanting to take your daughter away with yourself and your new partner.

How happy would you be at finding another man, that you have never met, spending time with your daughter, as your ex’s boyfriend. Assuming he stays over when she is at home. Then make it so they are out the country and sharing a bedroom. But you didn’t know he’d be there. She lied and said her mum would be there but a substitute dad has appeared. You don’t know him from Adam. Fingers crossed he’s alright. Would you just take the chance with your precious 3 year old that she will be fine? Would you trust your exs judgement? Would you trust someone you have never met to babysit in your own house let alone leave the country with your very young child?!

You are raising so many red flags to me.

You are going about this all wrong. Take a reset. Start this again. Your girlfriend isn’t getting to go on the holiday. It’ll be fine. She will understand and you can make it up to her later. Daughter comes first. And you can have an amazing holiday just the two of you. Or leave daughter at home and go with girlfriend.

You need to be upfront about the girlfriend’s existence. I’m also assuming the girlfriend is serious.

Take a look at statistics for sexual assault with step families. There are reasons that we would all panic having a stranger look after our child.

there is absolutely no chance that I would let my 3, almost 4, year old son go on holiday abroad with an adult I haven’t met. Like it’s just such a strong no that I’m amazed you are querying it.

I think because you lied, that you’re just gonna have to suck it up and give your girlfriends details to your ex. I understand why yr ex wants alternative contact details and I understand that your girlfriend probably doesn’t want her to have her details but when we tell a lie, we have to pay the price.

Legally speaking you do need written consent from the other parent with pr unless you have a court contact order in place. If not then you should get her written consent as you could get challenged either side at passport control. Send her the details flights, hotel, address, phone numbers etc. if your ex refused you to take her you most likely would have been granted a specific issue order by the courts which you can apply for to take your daughter abroad for the set amount of time but you’ve left it too late to apply now. I would probably leave the gf behind for this one and just you and your daughter go. She’s very young and just plan better next time.

Hi op your ex doesn’t need to be in your personal life but if your serious about gf why not introduce them expartners have concerns about other people being involved with there kids it’s human nature. if your dd gets attached to gf and you split up it will also affect her. Also how would it be if a man was involved and taking her on holiday is this acceptable to you. Would you have any concerns because I would if it was my dd.

Factsssssssss!! She doesn't know the woman. A stranger is going on holiday with her 3 year old and will likely be left alone with her at times. How does he not get that. Any good mother would have an issue with this.

You made a mistake and it’s good that you’ve recognised that, and hopefully you know not to lie to your ex again (especially when it comes to your shared child). You’re going to have to apologise profusely if you haven’t already, and be understanding about the fact that she’s not going to be comfortable for her toddler to be in a foreign country with a complete stranger. I would feel the same if I was her, even if you had told the truth about who you’re going with. If your current partner is someone that you see a future with and want to be able to bring into the family more, then you’re better to find ways to let your partner and ex get to know each other a bit more, at family gatherings etc, so that in future your ex is more comfortable when you and your partner want to take your daughter abroad with you. It’ll also help create better relationships between all of you and ultimately that’s probably the best thing for your daughter to see and experience.

Well a crt and cafcas will be asking some very probing questions about this girlfriend (assuming she still on the scene) when this ends up back in crt, particularly around why hes hidden her and her involvement in a very young child's life from the primary carer and why he thought it was appropriate to teach a child to lie to her primary carer. Then there will be the questions about the lies around this holiday and the refusal to hand over emergency contact info.
Basically this man and his girlfriend are walking red flags to anyone with an ounce of safeguarding training and his excuse of "my ex is difficult" wont wash especially when she has shown that she is being very reasonable in the face of controlling father who appears to be incapable of putting the needs of his child 1st.
Oh and @jj3457 you can expect to lose your weekend visits when your dd doesn't stay over very soon because it means mum never gets a full weekend with her dd so you will either have to come midweek or give it up completely by the time your dd starts school. Every other weekend staying and a weekend day on the alternate weekend is unfair on boy your dd and her mum

You’ve actually been handed a gift by your ex who is being very reasonable considering your behaviour and it’s beginning to sound like you are very immature. I do not think this is too much to ask and you should be grateful your ex wants to co parent in an adult way.

I get both sides really.
I can see why you would be worried about her saying no and I can see why shes lost trust.
I do think its brilliant you want to take your little one on holiday, none of my friends are so lucky with their ex partners. Also its a green flag for your partner not having a problem with taking your daughter with you. My exes ex and current partner would have a problem with my daughter joining their holiday!
I think meet your ex in person, just lay all your cards on the table and say 'listen im really sorry and I messed up with not telling the truth' and explain yourself. Hopefully she will relentlessly. Good luck.

Oh I didnt see this before I posted my other comment. Absolutely she should meet your new partner, like jainmain said youve been offered a lifeline!

Yeah it’s kinda of fascinating who asks and who doesn’t. Took DD when she was 7 to Turkey and back, no one batted an eyelash. 2 nights in Lisbon in 2022 with a tween and teen and they wanted everything (birth certs, letter, hotel info). I have an “kid immigration” letter always ready to go where I just change dates and flight numbers.

No if its just you going.
If its her child then yes. The same rights you have (depending on your PR rights) and any court orders you may have.
A 3 year old child should have both parents knowing where and with whom they are with outside the country. And any holiday in general.
Your post seems a little focused on your need not your daughter's. I say that not to criticise but hope you may reflect that two parents are better than one and your daughter deserves those two parents to put her first which will always include her Mum & her Dad been fully aware and not lied to. She is half of both of you and if you disrespect her Mum by lying you are hurting her. The same as if Mum had done this it would apply. An open honest relationship between parents is the best stability and experience you could give her for life _ more than a holiday. I'd say accept she won't go this time and plan centre parks next time. Be open and honest then build up to that.

I do not understand why this is not enough.

Because you lied to the mother of your child about who would be coming on the holiday with you and your child. You LIED! Of course she now wants full disclosure of all details and to speak to your girlfriend before the holiday.

She doesn't trust you, because you have proven yourself to be untrustworthy. These are the consequences of your actions, behaviour, choices and decisions. It's mind blowing that you can now bring yourself to say that you don't understand why she doesn't trust you. Really!?

Your title is misleading. It should have read: I misled the mother of my daughter to obtain her consent for travel with our 3 yr old, AITA?

After this serious lapse in judgemet, your ex has given you a second chance, offering you sensible conditions for her consent. Lucky you. SHE, dear OP, is co-parenting. This is what you are also expected to do. Co-parent. It's a thing.

But wait! You're now making this about you. This is not co-parenting:
either put the child first or leave the child with her mum until you do.

I have zero sympathy. You have responsibilities, and entitlement btw is not attractive.

They really won't care about the gf, unless the ex can provide any credible evidence she's a risk. And no, not telling the ex about her existence is NOT a risk.

Your tone in the last paragraph just smacks of tantrum and spite.

Rather than asking - should she have details about your private life, why not rephrase the question. Is it the best outcome for our child that parents trust each other and know a little bit about what other adults are in my child’s life. You told a big unsettling lie so I’d be cutting myself a big piece of humble pie and eating it whilst your nice partner and your daughter’s mum exchange a few pleasantries over the phone.

It is not enough because you've clearly been lying about your GF.

Does your ex know your GF and that's why you don't want to tell her?

You say you know you were in the wrong lying but do you really? Seems you want zero consequences and no accountability. TBF think your ex is being reasonable in the circumstances. If you were to take ill she has no way to contact the other adult with your child.

You need to grow up a bit. If she was taking your daughter away with a stranger (to you) you’d want basic introductions and contact details. Only reason to refuse is if your new gf been given any tall tales and you don’t want ex and current comparing notes.

OP seems to take everything very personally. It can't be that his ex is worried about sending her tiny child away with a stranger and would like to speak to her for peace of mind. Her having the ex's contact details can't be for safety purposes in case something happens to the OP. Oh, no, it has to be bc the ex is controlling. And people can't be spreading awareness about drowning because the vast majority if people don't know that it's fast and silent nor what a drowning child looks like, oh no. It has to be because they're patronising him.

To be honest… I can see why you are her ex from this attitude alone! Honestly you need to be more realistic and emotionally mature. Why all the lies? If it was my 3 yr old, there’s no way I’d even want her meeting your new partner unless I’d met her first and had gotten to know her enough to trust her (?) with my kid!
Prior to being married I was in a relationship for six years with a divorced man who had two daughters. He’d been divorced a while before I ever even met him. His daughters were six and four when I met them (and his ex wife who was lovely). After a while he and I lived together, so had them most weekends, but prior even to that, we took them on holidays and his parents were also there… at least for the first few times we went away. I’m surprised your new girlfriend went along with you telling lies about her not going to be there! TBH, you sound like a duplicitous so-and-so! Man up!