To think I should be able to take my daughter on holiday

[jj3457]

Hi everyone. I know some people may not like this, but I am a dad posting, just looking for some advice.

I told my ex I would like to take our daughter (3) on holiday to spain for 5 days with me and my mum.

Now this is where I messed up, and I will hold my hands up. I was dishonest when I told her I would be going with my mum. We will actually be going with my partner who my ex hasn’t met. I know this was a stupid lie but I was just worried my ex wouldn’t give consent for the holiday if she knew who was actually going.

To make matter worse, my ex has now found out that my mum is actually going to Florida for 2 weeks at the time I said she was coming to Spain with us.

My ex has messaged to say that she will not be handing over the passport until I give explicit details about the travel. I know that once I tell her I’m going with my partner she will refuse to consent. The holiday is booked and paid for.

I know I’m in the wrong for being dishonest but I am on the birth certificate and have as much right as she does to take her on the holiday. My ex has taken her abroad several times before and this is my first time.

what can I do if my ex refuses to give consent?

thanks

God, you're impossible. I myself was unaware of how fast and silent drowning is until recently, and that people can't shout or wave when drowning, so I spread the word. The fact that you actually think armbands and ring solves this just shows how little you know. The vast majority of drownings take place outside supervised swim sessions.

I think every woman on here understands why you are divorced.

And it's very obvious that your gf was your affair partner, which is why you want to hide her.

Well his penis is more important than his child, so...

The gf met the child 18 months ago. The OP and the gf have been together longer than that,

Course it is. Are you shocked?

Yes it should have been done way before the holiday by the op himself. Only he hasn’t let’s face it and ops ex only just got told she exists.

Of course she's the affair partner. It explains the OP's almost pathological desperation to hide his gf.

Yup. Three year olds have been known to escape early in the morning and be found in the pool. All the more easy to do when the people who are in loco parentis are tired from holiday shagging.

If OP really cared about his daughter, he'd be taking her away on a family holiday with her grandmother. But no, the Mighty Penis must have its way. 🙄

Sharing her contact info is important. what if something happens whilst you are away? You could fall ill and be hospitalised, and your child's mother would have problems getting hold of you. This exact scenario happened to my ex husband once,

luckily we were both grown ups and his new partner had all my details and could call me and update me. I had to fly out to bring our daughter home - this would have been much harder had I acted like you and been obstructive for no reason.

She is just wanting reassurance about who her child is with, its not about you. Would you feel any differently if the roles were reversed?!

She needs a swim vest, no ring or armbands, which restrict movement and can flip them over.

Bravo!

It's no use talking reason to this one, Neuro.

You sound extremely pig headed frankly. You won’t listen to a jot of this advice, but your ex sounds extremely amenable and you should be making every effort to be transparent with her about who is spending time around your child. She cares about her child. Don’t be so vain as to think this is about you as it’s actually embarrassing.

I think you should allow for this, personally. It seems reasonable for mum to want to have brief contact with your current GF, to reassure herself about the stranger (to mum) going on hols with her daughter.

No, sorry. Anyone reasonable would accept that his ex would want to meet any one involved with her child.

Out of interest, OP, why did your last relationship end?

The pragmatist in me says get your ex a burner phone. But she has no right to ask for this.

So what if you aren’t comfortable - everyone here will make an educated guess as to why you need to keep your ex away from your current gf. You are treating your gf as if you are ashamed of her, and you are treating your ex as if she is some loon.

The adult thing to do here is to show you are an adult and if you can’t, to not sabotage the people who can behave like grownups.

”I’m not comfortable” is utterly pathetic. Grow up!

Presumably you are hoping things work out long term with your girlfriend and you also seem to want to integrate her into your family, so how do you see this playing out? If your GF and DD develop a decent relationship, who will be in on the lie to stop her meeting your DD's Mum at significant events eg birthdays and weddings? Surely if you've really spun a web it is better to come clean rather than carry on going?

Wanting contact details for the other adult caring for your child is not unreasonable or being involved in your personal life. When my kids go away on trips with school/scouts there's usually more than one contact number for parents.
It's sensible and responsible - phones get lost/stolen/dropped in water.

Your girlfriend can set her own boundaries about contact with your ex and what she's prepared to discuss but that's not up to you.

I am pretty such you are just here to provoke a fight

I just have a different viewpoint to you. That's allowed.

I don't doubt everyone WOULD feel the same with their young child - I'm certain I would! It's hard to relinquish mm
L control and feel uncertain so we naturally want to force the situation our way. But that doesn't change the fact that it isn't OK.

If OP was having a week in Norfolk with the exact same set up, the ex would have no recourse - and would be looked at very dimly in court.

The consent to go abroad thing is largely to stop child abduction in contentious custody cases, not to prevent dad's new girlfriend from being on the scene.

What's your point?

It’s not enough because you lied to her.

You’ve been lying by omission for over a year - every time you discussed the time your dd was with you and deliberately chose not to mention your GF - and then outright lied to her about the holiday.

So you’ll either have to win her trust back in a way that works for her, or not bother and you’ll not be taking your DD on this holiday because she won’t give her permission.

Trying to have it all your own way so far has backfired. You’ll have to compromise if you want to get anywhere.

And you should be realising that your ex is extremely reasonable to still be willing to let your DD travel despite you lying to her face multiple times.

In this one instance where she can stop them flying abroad, yes. If they were holidaying in this country, or indeed in OP's home, she doesn't. The ex does not get to meet or vet the gf - it really is that simple.

Given that the OP has admitted to lying to his ex and called her difficult without any explanation - I'm giving the ex the benefit of doubt and assuming she's wants to have a civilized conversation with an adult spending a significant amount of time with her very young child.

There's nothing to suggest she wants to vet the girlfriend, she's as good as agreed for the holiday to happen. There's no suggestion about what she wants to talk to the girlfriend about and surely being on speaking terms with any significant adult in your child's life is a good thing?

Is this comment for real? If she doesn't WANT to involve herself then I'm assuming the relationship will be over very quickly. The GF has chosen to be his partner and he comes with a small daughter. She's not his friend, but his girlfriend. She doesn't get to opt out if she wants to take his daughter on holiday. He comes as a package. If she doesn't ever see herself as playing stepmum, then there is clearly very little future in this relationship. There will obviously be occasions on holiday where he needs to go to the toilet or have a shower, and she will be left to look after the child. Are you seriously suggesting she's going to turn a blind eye and not help her partner even a little bit? What is the point of this holiday or their relationship at all if she wants nothing to do with the little girl? As a mother, I would want to know where my ex was taking my child at such a young age and who he was going with. The ex hasn't asked to vet the woman. She's asked for a brief conversation to check she isn't a massive psycho. That isn't even slightly unreasonable. It's what every loving, caring, and responsible parent should do with a young child who isn't used to leaving their mother and is being taken to a foreign country.

I am not comfortable with this.

Well, enjoy your holiday without your daughter. Your daughter is 3... your ex is perfectly entitled to know and have details in case of emergency of a strange woman spending time in a hotel room with her very young child. You yourself have very little contact with your own child (4 overnights a month means this holiday is more days with you and a stranger than your child spends in a usual month and will.be a long time away from her mother).

Your ex is being very reasonable.