To think I should be able to take my daughter on holiday

[jj3457]

Hi everyone. I know some people may not like this, but I am a dad posting, just looking for some advice.

I told my ex I would like to take our daughter (3) on holiday to spain for 5 days with me and my mum.

Now this is where I messed up, and I will hold my hands up. I was dishonest when I told her I would be going with my mum. We will actually be going with my partner who my ex hasn’t met. I know this was a stupid lie but I was just worried my ex wouldn’t give consent for the holiday if she knew who was actually going.

To make matter worse, my ex has now found out that my mum is actually going to Florida for 2 weeks at the time I said she was coming to Spain with us.

My ex has messaged to say that she will not be handing over the passport until I give explicit details about the travel. I know that once I tell her I’m going with my partner she will refuse to consent. The holiday is booked and paid for.

I know I’m in the wrong for being dishonest but I am on the birth certificate and have as much right as she does to take her on the holiday. My ex has taken her abroad several times before and this is my first time.

what can I do if my ex refuses to give consent?

thanks

You should bow out of this one gracefully - you fucked up here by lying and surely dd would tell her mum your gf was there anyway - are you hard of thinking ?
Mum is the primary care giver and only see her 4 times a month, she’s only 3yo that’s far too young to not miss her mum terribly. she’ll likely spend the whole holiday upset.

I can understand your ex's concern as it appears you have never had your daughter for 5 days in a row - that you "sometimes" have her 2 nights and occasionally 3 nights on weekends.

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j3457 · Yesterday 23:18
I don’t see my daughter more often because of where I live. I live about an hour away from my daughter, who attends a school nursery 5 days a week. I work full time and often don’t finish until 6/6.30. So seeing her in the week is just completely unrealistic since she goes to bed at 7, so by the time I get there, she would be asleep. Sometimes I have her from Friday evening to Sunday evening. On bank holiday weekends, I have her from Friday to Monday.
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It's a big change to have her for the longest period, in an unfamiliar environment where you will need to deal with unfamiliar hazards (pool, sea, heat, sun, hydration, barefoot cuts) all at once. It's also not going to be much of a romantic break with a 3 year who goes to bed at 7pm - no evening drinks in the bar!

One would hope every single person is vetted and checked, platonic or not, if they are sharing a bedroom with a 3 year old for Christ sake! I can’t believe what I am reading on here!

Your ex is being extremely reasonable. She wants contact details for your gf in case something happens to you - who would be there for her DD? She also wants a talk to your gf to k ow who this random person is that’s going to be dealing with your DD abroad, where things might go wrong through no fault of anyone. Wouldn’t you want the same? Wouldn’t you want to know the name and number of the next man your ex takes your daughter on holiday with? If you don’t, have a proper think about it. What if your ex were suddenly taken ill, or ended up at hospital for half a day or longer? There has to be a responsible adult in charge of your child and as a responsible parent you need to know who that is. You can’t rely on the other parent to do all this because they might be incapacitated.

How would you action that? That everyone the OP interacts with going forward must be better by mum? Nonsense!

Claire’s law would be a good start on those who would be sharing a room or allowed to have the child alone 🤷🏻‍♀️

Whether the ex is being reasonable or controlling or whatever, it's the terms she has given for allowing your DD to travel with you. You need to decide whether your "private life" or your relationship with your DD is more important at this point (and you really only have a couple of days it would appear to decide). Why not offer to have a 3-way conversation with your ex-, you and your gf? Otherwise, if you continue refusing, what's your plan? Are you going to kidnap your DD and fly out on holiday?

Then dont expect to go on a foreign holiday with her 3 year old

The gf has been around for 18 months. She already interacted with the child in a home/family dynamic. Being on holiday isn't going to change her behaviour.

OP has vetted the gf - he has determined she's OK to interact with his daughter, the ex doesn't trump that.

Boy, do I regret giving this guy advice.

Grow up OP. This isn't actually about you, or your girlfriend. This isn't about your right to a personal life, or your right to keep everything about yourself secret. This is about the primary carer for your child being satisfied that the other adult supervising her child on holidays is suitable.

Your ex is being reasonable. You are not. She can, and should, not consent to this holiday. A line has to be drawn somewhere. If you want to fight that, you'll have to get a court order, and I can tell you now you won't get one.

As far as I can tell, you are not giving your ex your girlfriend's details because you either don't want your ex to know that you started seeing your girlfriend while you were still together with your ex, or you told your girlfriend you were already split with your ex.

If there was no overlap, then this is just about control, your own ego, and trying to keep a narrative in your head that your ex is "difficult". If that's the case, you actually need to go to therapy.

It's a pity that there's a three year old stuck in this. At the moment, it doesn't seem that you are a suitable person to co-parent a child, because you don't see that you are not the priority anymore, your child is. And now she can't spend time with her Dad, because he can't get his head out of his own *ss.

“She’s never come to any harm when she has been in my care”
OP she is hardly ever in your care and the fact your ex was happy for her to go if your mum was there or if she has a chat to your girlfriend raises the point that she only thinks you’re capable of looking after her properly if you have another sensible adult present…

@jj3457

Yes I understand she’s the mother of my child but there’s no need for her to be involved in my personal life

But it's also your DD's 'personal life' and as her mother she does have the right to 'be involved' in that. And having a brief conversation with someone who will likely be watching her, if even for a few moments, possibly taking her to a public toilet, and/or sleeping in the same room with her is not unreasonable. Wouldn't you want to speak to an unknown man who was going away on holiday with your Ex and your DD? If not, you're a fool.

Exactly what is it you're afraid of as far as a conversation between your Ex and your GF? That your Ex will 'go off on her' or that your Ex will be told things you don't want her to know, like how you've lied to her for over a year now? Or are you afraid that your Ex will tell her things about you that you'd rather she didn't know?

I’m not saying she does but on a vetting process I answered that Claire’s law helps.

Though I very much doubt op would have bothered with that or even know about it for a new bf of the ex he doesn’t seem overly involved or thinking much when he makes such silly stupid choices like lying over a holiday.

No just the ones who will be sharing a room with the 3 year old

You are being REALLY difficult about this. Your ex probably just wants to tell your gf some info about your DD or just wants the emotional/psychological reassurance of talking to gf, considering she's handing over her precious toddler to her for almost a week!

The gf was the affair partner who broke up your marriage, wasn't she? Why on earth else would you be this circumspect about her?

Helps how? It's catastrophising somewhat to imagine that this gf is a secret malevolent criminal, whose true personality, dormant for 18 months, will somehow be triggered in the tropical climes of the continent.

The ex just, understandably, wants to feel like she has some control here. So she's making demands as a power play. But if she doesn't trust OP's parenting then she should say no and further file appropriate paperwork. If it's just the lying that's annoyed her then she's putting her own feelings above those of her daughter.

The ex doesn't get to make those decisions. OP does.

Not everyone just those sleeping in the same room with a toddler. I am pretty such you are just here to provoke a fight. As any parent would do the same with such a young child.

Wrong. The child’s mother can refuse permission.

In this case yes she does

Because you've been caught lying to her about something so fundamental? Because you've only shared the information after being forced to? Because you haven't considered that your daughter will tell her mum who she holidayed with? How exactly were you going to respond when your daughter piped up about what a lovely time she'd had with you and your girlfriend? That she'd got her confused with her grandma?
Your actions don't exactly scream any desire for responsibility for what you've actually done and the bits you've admitted to here aren't painting you in a good light. If this is your side of the story I'd love to hear your ex's perspective.

She probably doesn’t believe you. You do have very recent and significant form for lying. Plus before answering the phone for your daughter you obviously have to rush your gf out of the room or into the closet or something so there is zero chance your ex sees or hears her. Is your gf a friend of hers? Did the timelines overlap and you don’t want either of them to know that? You’re going to extreme measures to stop your ex from any contact with gf.

anyway it is not my problem some habitually lying dad with serious communication issues who barely sees his very young daughter because he’s the only parent on the planet with a job doncha know, and who prioritises his wants and privacy much much higher than his dds wellbeing doesn’t get to take said dd on holiday. Seems a good outcome really.

She's being very reasonable. I'd comply

A lot of posters have asked what the sleeping arrangements are for your holiday @jj3457
And I don't think you've answered this question?
It's quite key, and if i were your ex I would definitely want to know this as your DD might be unsettled and not sleep well, so that's why people are asking you whether she's on her own or in the same bedroom as you.

If there was no initial lie, a court would have ordered the holiday to go ahead without the OP having to share the girlfriend's contact details. But with the lie, a court would likely determine that his ex has legitimate safeguarding concerns, and would likely order the OP to hand over the contact details before allowing the holiday to go ahead.

The OP faces two choices - hand over the contact details or go on holidays without his daughter. I'd love to know what he eventually chooses to do.