To think I should be able to take my daughter on holiday

[jj3457]

Hi everyone. I know some people may not like this, but I am a dad posting, just looking for some advice.

I told my ex I would like to take our daughter (3) on holiday to spain for 5 days with me and my mum.

Now this is where I messed up, and I will hold my hands up. I was dishonest when I told her I would be going with my mum. We will actually be going with my partner who my ex hasn’t met. I know this was a stupid lie but I was just worried my ex wouldn’t give consent for the holiday if she knew who was actually going.

To make matter worse, my ex has now found out that my mum is actually going to Florida for 2 weeks at the time I said she was coming to Spain with us.

My ex has messaged to say that she will not be handing over the passport until I give explicit details about the travel. I know that once I tell her I’m going with my partner she will refuse to consent. The holiday is booked and paid for.

I know I’m in the wrong for being dishonest but I am on the birth certificate and have as much right as she does to take her on the holiday. My ex has taken her abroad several times before and this is my first time.

what can I do if my ex refuses to give consent?

thanks

Well quite. All of this.

Telling a child's mother where the child will be and with whom is not an unreasonable demand. You have not done so well on making your ex-wife feel comfortable with your behaviour that you get to withhold information about her child's welfare.

Crumbs.

Yes I understand she’s the mother of my child but there’s no need for her to be involved in my personal life.

I have provided her with the name of the hotel and flight information. I have assured her she will be able to contact me at any point during the holiday and speak to our daughter whenever she likes. I do not understand why this is not enough.

My daughter has never come to any harm when she has been with me and frankly, I find the messages from people sending me drowning videos condescending and patronising. I am fully aware of how to adequately look after my own child and of course I know the risks of young children being in water. Why is there this narrative that I’m going to sit there and let my child drown? Obviously I will be in the water with her and she will have arm bands and a ring.

Well you won't as she'll be staying at home... you don't hold the power here.

You're not addressing the issue that you've lied and hidden from your ex about whose care your daughter will be in. You've made your bed in this situation.

Damn, it's just my way or the highway with you. 🙄

Ignoring all the questions about why you're so against your ex talking to your girlfriend? It's OK, we all know why.

Or the new gf was affair partner but he lied to her and said they were already separated and he doesn’t want either woman to know about the overlap. Sounds about right as he is clearly a liar and unreasonable.
I also agree with pp that I regret bothering to give this guy advice.

Well I’d you drown she wants the number of the person who will have her kid. It’s not rocket science is it. She couldn’t be any fairer and you are still a total man child. Grow up and give her the phone number.

She is not asking to be involved in your personal life, @jj3457 - she is asking for some basic information about, and a meeting with the woman who will be helping to take care of her child, and sleeping in the same room as her, in a foreign country!

Honestly, it is not that difficult to understand - you have a simple choice - provide the information and reassurance your ex wants, or forfeit the holiday with your child. I’d like to think you won’t put your own feelings ahead of spending time with your child….

Op tell us the truth about the time line of when you broke up with child’s mother and when you met and got together with current girlfriend?

if you refuse to give your ex your new gf contact details now, there’s very little chance of your daughter coming on this trip. Your private life IS relevant if you’re bringing your private life on holiday and into a bedroom with your child, do you not see that?

that the girlfriend is a suitable person for her child to spend time with

Again, how will a 'short' conversation ascertain this? She won't find out anything of substance or whether the gf is a risk. The gf could say anything, the ex won't know a single thing more about her than she does now except the sound of her voice - so tell me how that's helpful except to make herself feel better because she feels she's pulled rank?

The ex doesn't get to decide whether the gf can spend time with her child. The child will be in the care of her father - he makes decisions on who the child can spend time with when she is with him, the ex doesn't get to veto or vet or 'approve of' the gf unfortunately.

The only thing the ex can do in this instance is say he can't go abroad this time. That's it. She doesn't get to dictate anything further, and if OP obtains the relevant paperwork she won't get to do it again.

It’s not about it being your personal life it’s about adults responsible for her child on holiday.

Wouldn’t you like to of spoken to a man who will be sharing a room with your daughter?

A person who might be helping her get changed and go to the toilet? Because I’m assuming here your girlfriend will be doing some of those things for her. A person who may well be alone at times with your child in a foreign country while you go to the bathroom, pop down to reception or even grab a round of drinks from the Bar?

How much alone time do you normally have with your daughter. Or is your mum/girlfriend normally always in the house somewhere as well.

Why can’t your ex meet your gf ?

You’re not comfortable with the mother of you child knowing the woman who is going to be on holiday with her, in a different country? Really? Your posts suggest you have been shifty about the whole relationship: why would you not introduce new partner to your ex before your child became involved?

You are definitely being unreasonable.

It's not just your personal life it's her daughter's. She is 3 and vulnerable, you have shown yourself an untrustworthy liar.

Is she asking who your mates are, what meals you eat, who you vote for, where uou go, to speak to your boss or see your bank statements or anything unrelated to her child?

Is your girlfriend going to be in the role of stepmother or not? If not then either girlfriend can stay home or you go on your couples holiday with your girlfriend and without your child. Your child doesn't need to be getting close to someone who won't be staying on the scene long term.

If yes, she's becoming step mum, and you want a family type holiday then your ex is being entirely reasonable.

Maybe the gf doesn't want to? Perfectly reasonable not to want to be vetted or approved of by someone who has no right to?

It's called basic safeguarding. Your ex doesn't know your GF, your Daughter is about to spend 5 days in a foreign country with your GF. Any parent with an ounce of common sense is going to want to talk to that person. And what if something happens to you? What then?

You know all this is reasonable too; you just don't want it to happen for 'reasons'.

Enjoy your holiday without your Daughter, I hope going without her is worth your mantrum.

I feel for you @jj3457
Some horrible responses on here.
I do think it's reasonable for your child's mum to have your gf's number though, and vice versa if your gf is happy for her to have it, not least in case anything happens to you

In case she tells her the truth about the abuse

I've a simple brain, so I can't comprehend any other reason why he would deny this perfectly reasonable request.

I know he can request contact and holidays through the courts and if I was his ex I would wait for him to do that as I said in the post you quoted.
After his latest update of not feeling comfortable to have his ex talking to his current girlfriend and requesting her detail I very much doubt he’d go out of his way to bother.
He’s coming across that it’s all about him… he wants to the holiday with his girlfriend and 3 year old daughter who he barely sees, he doesn’t want more contact due to work etc, he doesn’t want ex to have anything to do with current girlfriend.
Sorry to hear your ex was equally or more isless, there is obviously a lot of them out there!

What of this do you feel is unreasonable?

Why wouldn’t you want your ex to have a brief chat with your gf? I would want to make sure we were all communicating in a situation like this, especially as you’ve already lied. No way would I be letting my child go abroad with someone I don’t trust and someone I’ve not met. Your ex is being more than reasonable.

Op I don’t know who is sending you videos but given you do not look after dd for long or that regularly it IS a risk. You need to watch her like a hawk, and if you are not used to it - it is a risk.

The life vests with a child proof zip are by far the safest option. Arm bands can be taken off easily or fall off, a ring is useless for a three year old.

The number of young children that drown every year is the reason why pp are flagging this to you. As someone that saw the outcome of a toddler drowning, their little shoes by the door will never ever leave me. So you are being entirely unreasonable not to thank pp for flagging this to you.

You sound extraordinarily defensive, why are you hiding your ‘personal life’? Are you really going on holiday with a man and feel we will judge or something? Why aren’t you being open and transparent?

How can anyone trust you when you are being so secretive?

Is your new gf 17 or something?

This doesn’t sit well with me op. It’s really not helping you. You seem incapable of seeing other views, and can not see the danger your child might be in. Your gf/bf could be a paedophile or work for a ring - she/he might have a criminal record or otherwise be entirely inappropriate. Of course your ex needs to know who her toddler child is going overseas with - it is entirely standard, basic safe guarding.

Why do you assume she WANTS to 'play mum'? The child is there with her parent - it is HIS responsibility to parent her. Why on earth do you imagine the gf will be getting involved with anything other than being another adult there? Why do you think she'll be bathing/dressing/babysitting/discipling/soothing this child? That's what her parent is for.

If OP was going away with platonic friends the ex would be entirely unreasonable to request to vet each and every one of them personally.

Most people only here wouldn't have hidden a new partner and the fact that this person had been introduced to a child under 2 (at the time) or that this person spent most/all contact time with the child for 18+ months and then lied about who would be taking a 3 year old abroad and sharing a room with her.
Under the above circumstances its perfectly reasonable to request emergency contact information for this person and to meet them and you have to remember that this maybe a long-term partner but mum only found out about her last night