To think I should be able to take my daughter on holiday

[jj3457]

Hi everyone. I know some people may not like this, but I am a dad posting, just looking for some advice.

I told my ex I would like to take our daughter (3) on holiday to spain for 5 days with me and my mum.

Now this is where I messed up, and I will hold my hands up. I was dishonest when I told her I would be going with my mum. We will actually be going with my partner who my ex hasn’t met. I know this was a stupid lie but I was just worried my ex wouldn’t give consent for the holiday if she knew who was actually going.

To make matter worse, my ex has now found out that my mum is actually going to Florida for 2 weeks at the time I said she was coming to Spain with us.

My ex has messaged to say that she will not be handing over the passport until I give explicit details about the travel. I know that once I tell her I’m going with my partner she will refuse to consent. The holiday is booked and paid for.

I know I’m in the wrong for being dishonest but I am on the birth certificate and have as much right as she does to take her on the holiday. My ex has taken her abroad several times before and this is my first time.

what can I do if my ex refuses to give consent?

thanks

You might be uncomfortable but I know if my dd went away with people I didn't know, id feel worried the whole time. Maybe this will settle your exs mind.

If she has agreed in principle to you still taking DD but wants to meet the new girlfriend first, that seems like she is being really reasonable. The fact she hasn't said no.despite you lying to her, I think you need to take her at her word and go with it or leave DD at home.

I actually don't think hinging her consent on talking to the gf is reasonable. I understand it, but it is using the withdrawal of her consent to strongarm the situation to her choosing.

Either the ex is comfortable with OP taking their daughter or she isn't. What is a brief conversation with the gf going to do? She won't know any more about her than she does now - all it will achieve is the the ex having the feeling she has pulled rank and marked her territory. I absolutely understand her wanting to feel like this, but that is all it is.

In the absence of a court order she CAN pull out the big guns and say no - but dangling consent only if OP does what she wants is not OK. It's not about the child, it's about her feelings.

It would be weird if this felt lovely and within your comfort zone when there's been a conflict. You must remember that a) what feels uncomfortable doesn't always equal bad - you have to apply critical thinking and ask why you feel that way before just running with it, and b) yours isn't the only comfort that matters.

Would you feel more or less comfortable having spoken to the person your daughter would be away abroad with if you were the primary person charged with keeping her safe? If the answer is more then you can see your ex would feel the same. You as your daughters father are in the position to make her feel more or less comfortable about leaving her daughter in your care - why wouldn't you go for more? This is the woman who loves and raises your precious child so help the woman out and work together.

It's hard if there's been an acrimonious history, but you have to resist letting past tensions get you stirred up and get reactive. She's being pretty fair so take it on the chin, let the call happen, thank her, reassue her DD willl be well looked after and that youll give her updates, and then have a wonderful holiday.

I’d do it this time so that you can all go. It is unreasonable but the alternative is that you can’t go.

I personally would want to know who my child would be spending a holiday with, whether you were in a relationship with them or not. It’s basic safeguarding.

Edit - sorry I originally quoted your last response @jj3457 about your ex wanting to meet girlfriend and have her contact details.

This sounds perfectly reasonable of your ex. She wants and needs to know about the person looking after her child - or at the very least spending extended time with her.

Really, I think it’s coming out during this thread that it’s not the ex who’s the difficult one.

Why do you want it your way or the highway?

This should have been done as a matter of course before booking the holiday.

i think that’s very fair of ex

i would want to meet the partner tbh if going away and being with them

what’s your issue

This is good advice.

It doesn’t necessarily have to feel comfortable to you OP.

Sounds perfectly reasonable
Why aren't you comfortable with the mother of your child having contact with a woman who you've chosen to be part of your child's life?

Your ex is part of your life long term as your co-parent, whether you like it or not and whether you're comfortable with her request or not.
Your girlfriend may/may not be part of your child's life long term and should not be the priority. The early years are so important for kids development and decisions you make have a significant impact on your child long term.

Your priority should be setting a good example by communicating openly and honestly with your ex and prioritising your child's welfare. If her mum is comfortable with your arrangements then it will benefit everyone long term.

Do what she asks - it's more than reasonable and you get what you want.

It’s not really reasonable. Most people on here would have a fit if their difficult ex insisted on having a conversation with their long term partner before allowing them to go on holiday with the kids. It smacks of controlling behaviour and it’s not for the benefit of the kids - it’s for the mum. My SIL’s controlling ex does shit like this but because he’s male and she’s female, everyone calls it out for the bullshit it is. He always needs to know who is going with her to wherever she is taking the kids and if she ever were to meet someone new (he’s ruined a few relationships for her so far) he’d insist on a “chat”. He’s a wanker.

She's being more reasonable than she has to be - stop being a prick.

You are so unreasonable it hurts.

why are you uncomfortable with it, what do you have to hide, worry about? Surely this would be chat at about your daughter and daughter only, or is she the affair partner 👀

So your ex wife sounds like the perfectly reasonable one. And you, you just want everything your own way and you're prepared to lie and be a prick about it.
So why don't you want your ex to be in contact with your new gf? I've got some experience of a similar situation so I'm going to have a guess here. You don't want to risk them communicating because you're afraid of what might get said.
As always, you and what you want come first and everyone else is supposed to fall in line. Not happening though is it?

What if you didn’t come back?

What would your ex say to the police - who exactly was travelling with your 3 year old toddler and she shrugs and says no idea. That is called neglect and negligence, and quite rightly her judgement and parenting would be under a great deal of scrutiny.

It is beyond basic to be aware of who is taking your child overseas as a parent. I am staggered you would think otherwise.

Poor little scrap, she deserves a much better experience in her young years. Your understanding of your responsibilities as a parent seem, at best, limited.

You’ve got an absolute cheek.
Your ex is being amazingly cooperative considering you’ve lied to her and planned to take her daughter away with some woman who she doesn’t know from Adam.
A conversation is the bloody least she is owed!!

We have no evidence this mum is difficult.
Until she caught OP out in a huge lie she didn't even know this partner was on the scene let alone going abroad with her daughter.
If he'd been open from the start they would have met by now and she would know who was going to be looking after her child. If this girlfriend is going to be in a step parent role she and the child's mother should be able to talk to one another.
She was OK with the holiday when gran was going, presumably because she knows and trusts gran to prioritise her child. Gran has parenting experience, OP has very little to be facing several nights abroad with a 3 year old with. She knows nothing about this girlfriend and OP's lying about things will likely have made her suspicious too.

Or much younger women. There's a reason he panicked about telling his ex about the new girlfriend and hadn't already done it.

If I was taking my kids away with some man he’d never met, I’d think it was wholly reasonable for my ex to want to have at least spoken to the guy.

If I had lied about it, I wouldn’t expect the one to be making stipulations about “not feeling comfortable” I’d be bending over backwards.

This is partly because my exh did actually take the kids away with one of his ex-girlfriends I had at that time never met - I was too laid back about it, and though nothing actually bad happened re the kids, she turned out not to be quite as sane as he’d imagined- she did weird things when it ended like turning up at my house at night and hacking into my Tesco account (she was in IT) and cancelling items from my shopping (so I know this first hand!)

This all said, exh and I do have a standing agreement that holidays are agreed (my two are teens now anyway) and he has two more kids with a perfectly sane partner - but I was more warey at the beginning of that relationship as a result!

You are completely wrong. As the mother and the primary carer of a small child who has previously only spent.one or two consecutive overnights with with her father, the OP's ex is simply asking for the opportunity to satisfy herself that the girlfriend is a suitable person for her child to spend time with. It's the action of a responsible parent. And the OP could have avoided all this if he had introduced the ex and girlfriend to each other as soon as he knew that it was a permanent relationship. That would have been the sensible and mature thing to do instead of lying and trying to conceal the truth from her.
It amazes me how men are always so keen on exercising their fucking rights while remaining very cavalier when it comes to their responsibilities.

The longer that this goes on the more we are seeing that the difficult person here is the OP, who has already revealed himself to be a gutless liar.

Most people wouldn’t have hidden their long term partner from their child’s other parent, or lied that another trusted person was holidaying with them rather than the hidden long term partner.

wanting to have a chat with someone your ex has been desperately hiding from you for 18 months whilst having them around your child regularly isn’t controlling. It’s an entirely normal reaction.

and actually a calmer and less controlling action than many would have had in this situation.

Your ex sounds reasonable and sensible

Then you shouldn't have abused her. Ex telling new GF the truth about you can be the only reason you would a) hide your relationship, b) try to hide the fact that she's going on holiday with your daughter and c) wanting to avoid a conversation between them about something so perfectly reasonable as wanting to speak to the person caring for your daughter.

Fucking scumbag. Let's hope your daughter grows up to have better standards than her mum did.

Then it looks like the holiday won’t be happening as planned. Shame, but maybe you can do it another year, when you’re willing to be open and transparent.

I'm going to guess that hes painted his ex as some psycho who wont let him parent more and is scared that new girlfriend will realise that its all lies