To think I should be able to take my daughter on holiday

[jj3457]

Hi everyone. I know some people may not like this, but I am a dad posting, just looking for some advice.

I told my ex I would like to take our daughter (3) on holiday to spain for 5 days with me and my mum.

Now this is where I messed up, and I will hold my hands up. I was dishonest when I told her I would be going with my mum. We will actually be going with my partner who my ex hasn’t met. I know this was a stupid lie but I was just worried my ex wouldn’t give consent for the holiday if she knew who was actually going.

To make matter worse, my ex has now found out that my mum is actually going to Florida for 2 weeks at the time I said she was coming to Spain with us.

My ex has messaged to say that she will not be handing over the passport until I give explicit details about the travel. I know that once I tell her I’m going with my partner she will refuse to consent. The holiday is booked and paid for.

I know I’m in the wrong for being dishonest but I am on the birth certificate and have as much right as she does to take her on the holiday. My ex has taken her abroad several times before and this is my first time.

what can I do if my ex refuses to give consent?

thanks

She is being extremely reasonable considering your lies and for some reason you are not taking this chance you've been given, why don't you want her to talk to your gf?
Ask your gf what she thinks of your ex's suggestion of giving contact details and meeting. If she thinks it's a good idea then she is likely a decent person but if she agrees with you and doesn't want to meet your ex then that's a red flag. If you think you and your gf are going to be together long term then you both need to get on with your child's mother, if you don't think you're going to be together long term then you shouldn't be letting your DD get attached to her so definitely no holidays together.

My thoughts exactly, what will the ex wife say that he doesn’t want the GF to hear 👀👀

Well 50/50 can feel difficult for children, but that’s the problem with failed relationships and their impact on children.

50/50 if the parenting is high quality and it isn’t just a cost cutting exercise/revenge is obviously best for children. If the father is a good parent, not so much if they are crap and checked out.

No one is entitled to take a toddler on holiday given the risks and their age. Every decision needs to be made with the child’s best interests at the heart of things, not what the parent wants/prefers. The toddler is too young for a holiday overseas without their main caregiver - in this case their mother. They are likely to be distressed and confused.

What? Why aren't you comfortable with it. What possible reason do you have from not wanting the mother of your child to have contact details and a chat with the person her 3 year old is going away with. That's a massive red flag - what are you hiding?

Op, you know you should have already introduced your current gf to the mother of your small child - particularly as she is going to be overseas with such a vulnerable toddler. What aren’t you comfortable with? Surely it’s in your interests that your child’s mother is at least considering your request? (More than most of us after your lies) Have you lied about other things? You may as well be honest on here.

I now regret bothering to write any advice previously. You're just behaving completely idiotically here and you sound like an obstructive nightmare to have to co parent with. Your ex must have the patience of Job to be putting up with this

Seriously OP, grow up. Be honest with yourself, you're uncomfortable because your GF will find out who you really are. This isn't at all fair on your daughter that you act so immaturely and constantly prioritise yourself over her.

Sorry 0P, your comfort counts for nothing here. Your ex has requested a brief chat with your girlfriend so that she can satisfy herself that her child will be in the company of a competent and fully functioning adult who has the child's best interests at heart. It's a very reasonable request and I really can't understand why it can't be facilitated. Refusing this will simply serve to raise more questions in your ex's mind. She'll wonder what you - or your girlfriend - are trying
hide and the chances are that this will be enough for her to refuse consent for your daughter to holiday with you. Considering the complete pigs eat you've already made of this you should feel grateful to have this second chance - don't waste it!

Maybe op's girlfriend doesn't know he lied and op's trying to keep it that way.

I don't blame her, I think this is a perfectly reasonable thing to do, even if you hadn't lied to her. And surely this is in your daughter's best interest?

Who knows, it could be the foundation of better relationships all round in the future.

Sounds more and more like the ex doesn’t trust the op with the child alone.

Willing to send with op and his mum.

Willing to send with op and girlfriend provided she can have a brief chat and exchange details incase of emergency.

I don’t think a phone chat is unreasonable but if that’s your hill to die on then so be it.

Why? If someone was taking my child out of the country with my ex I’d want a chat with them. Or are you scared she will tell her some home truths about who she is with?

Perfectly fair enough IMO. Your ex could have said no. She doesn’t sound so difficult. My ex describes me as all sorts. He was abusive.

Like others have said, your ex sounds 100% reasonable considering all the BS you've fed her. This is exactly the outcome you wanted and you're still reluctant to let the two adult women in your life have any contact to ensure your daughter's safety? Why are you so afraid to let them speak to one another? How is this possibly going to work going forward if you won't allow them to have communication about childcare and coparenting? I want to say something supportive but I'm inclined to agree with your ex, here. Your daughter comes first. Your comfort is at the very bottom of the priority list. If you aren't willing to put your child first, then your motives are highly questionable, and I'd seriously consider whether your daughter should be going on holiday with you at all.

I was trying to see both sides of this particular coin, despite the idiotically stupid lie, but now I just think you're being an asshat.

What your ex has requested is perfectly reasonable, but it's even more so given you lied to her.

Genuine question, what do you think is unreasonable about her wanting to have a brief conversation with the person who is going to be spending time with her child on holiday in a foreign country, whom she has never met? How do you justify that not being reasonable?

Also, having emergency contact details is just plain sensible, what if something happens to you, to your ex, your Daughter? Why would you not want everyone to have each other's details?

It's giving shady, and I'm left thinking there's a reason you don't want your ex to talk to your GF...

Your ex seems to be dealing with you reasonably and has generously consented to letting her daughter go away with you. So why are you uncomfortable with her contacting your gf? What do you fear she will say? Or are you fearful of what your gf might say? Can you not envision any positive reason she might want to speak to her?

For goodness sake OP, you've got what you wanted which is, frankly, astounding under the circumstances.

Put your aggro to one side, man up and meet your daughters mum half way.

Is there any way all 3 if you can speak together, if it's the mum speaking to your gf alone that makes you wary, either in person or on video call? That would seem like a reasonable thing to do.

Is not about allowing the mum to interfere in your love life, its not about you. Its about making sure all the adults involved in looking after your tiny daughter are on the same page and in agreement about whats going on.

And your ex is not comfortable with her young child being in the care of someone she has no contact details for, and hasn’t even had a brief conversation with, @jj3457.

What matters more - having your dd come on holiday with you, or you avoiding a bit of discomfort?

Op, as a dad myself with 2 similar aged kids you are being totally unreasonable.

Your daughters mother and primary parent is willing to let you take her child to a foreign country for 5 days after you lied and tried to hide things from her.
All she is asking for is the chance to meet the woman her daughter is going to spend 5 days sharing a room with.

Honestly if you feel this is unreasonable then I do slightly worry about your parenting.

If my ex was at the stage of introducing the kids to a new partner I would want to meet him, it would put my mind at ease having had a chance to speak to him myself.

You need to accept that your ex is the mother of your child and is going to have a big part in your life for at least the next 15 ish years. Anything involving your daughter she gets a say in.

Now go and be thankful this woman is giving you a chance to go away after you fucked up!

So what's the problem with putting her in touch with your girlfriend? Your daughter's mum isn't saying no, she's saying she's like to know more about the other adult going with your daughter.

Alledgely "difficult" ex, caught out on lies, new girlfriend soon after split, excuses why you don't see more of your child. You are ticking a lot of red flag boxes OP. If your girlfriend posted on here I think a lot of posters would also point out your bunting.

Why on earth can't your child's mother have a chat with the women who will be sharing care of and sleeping in the same room as her very young daughter, and while in another country? Why shouldn't your girlfriend and the child's mother exchange contact details, if she such a big part of yours and your daughter's life?

My ex didn't want me to ever speak to his girlfriend, but I wanted to at least know something about the other adult in my son's life. When we eventually started speaking, it turned out he'd told me a load of lies about her and her a load of lies about me 😂

Lol my ex saw my kids far less than this and I ended up taking HIM to court for permission to take the kids away on holiday despite them living with me almost 100%

Op can definitely get a court order for contact including holidays (or just holidays) and there is no legal requirement for him to disclose any info about the trip at all (though as my judge advised, it would be a courtesy to do so, that's all).

Op fucked up this time. He'll be better organised and hopefully truthful next year

Why on earth aren't you comfortable with your ex meeting your GF?

Unless there's a problem with who your GF is...

Your ex is being so reasonable, you don't seem to be meeting her halfway here

Why not?

If your ex is essentially so mad that she's unsafe, one does have to wonder how it came to be that she's primary carer and you live an hour away.