To think I should be able to take my daughter on holiday

[jj3457]

Hi everyone. I know some people may not like this, but I am a dad posting, just looking for some advice.

I told my ex I would like to take our daughter (3) on holiday to spain for 5 days with me and my mum.

Now this is where I messed up, and I will hold my hands up. I was dishonest when I told her I would be going with my mum. We will actually be going with my partner who my ex hasn’t met. I know this was a stupid lie but I was just worried my ex wouldn’t give consent for the holiday if she knew who was actually going.

To make matter worse, my ex has now found out that my mum is actually going to Florida for 2 weeks at the time I said she was coming to Spain with us.

My ex has messaged to say that she will not be handing over the passport until I give explicit details about the travel. I know that once I tell her I’m going with my partner she will refuse to consent. The holiday is booked and paid for.

I know I’m in the wrong for being dishonest but I am on the birth certificate and have as much right as she does to take her on the holiday. My ex has taken her abroad several times before and this is my first time.

what can I do if my ex refuses to give consent?

thanks

If I was your ex I wouldn’t want you to take her. I assume you said your mum was going because she trusts your mum to look after your daughter properly. If I found out that was a lie I wouldn’t trust you to tell me exactly where you are going, what you are doing etc. And if you were going with a newish partner I would be worried you two would be wrapped up in each other and wouldn’t notice if your small child toddled into the pool and drowned or something like that. That is worst case scenario but with you lying in the first place I would be so worried.

How does your Ex manage with work and taking and collecting DD to nursery? Is she having to work truncated hours to manage this? Maybe you could arrange to start/finish early one day a week so that you can see DD midweek. You only live an hour away, that's most people's commuting distance.
I'm not going to comment about who moved where, or the reasons for those choices, but if you want to inspire confidence in your ability to look after DD, you can't just be taking no responsibility for her Mon-Fri.

Hilarious. I’m a single parent/primary carer with 2 kids and I work full time. Funnily enough I have to make it work because I have no other choice!

What would you do if the mother opted out of raising your child Monday to Friday, too? Because of employment.

As my friend said the other day to me - “if you died he’d be f*ed”

Of course it's an option, you just go without her. It's not an option that you like the sound of but that's a different thing.

Who do you want to go on holiday with most, your daughter or your new girlfriend?

Who moved away, you or your ex?

It really boils down to the fact you are an occasional dad, a slippery fish and someone that can’t be trusted with a small child.

You won’t get a court hearing in time so chalk it up to experience but try to get legalities sorted for next year by going to mediation. Yes you’re an equal parent and it has nothing to do with her who goes on holiday with you. You can choose who to introduce your child to as can she. She is being unreasonable. However, your main audience here is mums and they particularly hate dads who have new partners. So you won’t get a balanced objective view. However if it went to court, it’s highly likely the judge would let you go.

Wtf. I am reminded of the thread last week about how 50/50 is so bad for kids and cruel etc. it literally is impossible if you’re a dad. You’re dammed if you see your kid too much, dammed if you see them too little and god help you if you want to take a holiday with your own child.

Just to update everyone:

Ex responded and said she would give consent for the holiday providing she is given contact details for my girlfriend “in case of emergencies”. She has also asked for some form of contact with my gf so she can have “a brief conversation”.

I am not comfortable with this.

To be fair to my ex, she hasn’t said she wouldn’t consent. Just said consent would be based on her having all the info she asks for

Fine. Your dd doesn’t go then. You are lucky she’s considering it and you’re standing here going I’m going to take this baby I’ve never had for more than 2 nights off for 5 nights with this stranger to you and NO YOU DONT GET TO TALK TO HER.

You sound like a very difficult man to coparent with. Have you thought about your daughters best interest here at any point or is it just all about your absolute right to do whatever you want with her and lie to your ex about it?

' I am not comfortable with this '

Do you want to take your daughter on holiday or not ?!!!

aren't you going in about 4 days time ?

that is a huge compromise by the mother considering you lied to her in the first place

I understand your discomfort, but it's a fair exchange for the holiday you want, no?

Think about how much time you have every week to do the stuff you want to do, even if you miss your DD every second.
Think about how restricting it is when you have DD, as wonderful as it is to spend time with her.

Think about how much more so it is for your ex.
Is this her first break in 3, nearly 4 years?

Ok, there's really no need to roll your eyes at me. To me, 'last January' would mean the last January that we have had, ie Jan 2026. But others, including you, took it to mean Jan 2025, and the OP has since clarified that yes that's what he meant.
To me it was a valid question, to work out whether he's been with his girlfriend for half a year or 1.5 years.
...whereas your comment and emoji were not really necessary.

Okey cokey. There's your answer. Which is going to stay home?

Your ex sounds like she is bending over backwards here to be amenable and allow the holiday to take place. It sounds like you're trying to deliberately sabotage taking your child away at this point. Why are you not comfortable with her very reasonable request?

Given your lies and hiding things you should be seeing that as an absolute result.

Why are you so desperate that your GF and your child’s mother never speak?

That sounds like a completely reasonable ask, to mitigate her obvious anxiety of her DD going away with an adult she doesn't know.

Crikey. Any decent parent would want an introduction to a adult they are spending time with.

Arrange to meet in coffee shop so they can have a chat and get it done

Your DD's mum's response sounds ideal. She's willing to 'break the ice' with your GF which is something you've not facilitated in your year and a half relationship with her.
Co-parenting when there are new partners is tricky, but you have to do what is best for the kids, which is having communication open.

Your ex is being an angel - why on earth wouldn't she expect a brief conversation with someone her child will be spending a lot of time with!?

If you are not comfortable with the notion of basic transparency before a trip like this, then just resign yourself to going with the GF and leaving the child behind this time. Maybe you will be luckier next year when the two women in your life have had a chance to get to know each other a little.

Why aren’t you comfortable with this? Sounds pretty reasonable to want to have a conversation with someone who will likely be acting as a step parent to her daughter in the future, no?

All the lies and lack of transparency on your part has got you into this situation and now your ex is being perfectly reasonable and you’re kicking off - are you sure it’s your ex who is the nightmare and not you?