To think I should be able to take my daughter on holiday

[jj3457]

Hi everyone. I know some people may not like this, but I am a dad posting, just looking for some advice.

I told my ex I would like to take our daughter (3) on holiday to spain for 5 days with me and my mum.

Now this is where I messed up, and I will hold my hands up. I was dishonest when I told her I would be going with my mum. We will actually be going with my partner who my ex hasn’t met. I know this was a stupid lie but I was just worried my ex wouldn’t give consent for the holiday if she knew who was actually going.

To make matter worse, my ex has now found out that my mum is actually going to Florida for 2 weeks at the time I said she was coming to Spain with us.

My ex has messaged to say that she will not be handing over the passport until I give explicit details about the travel. I know that once I tell her I’m going with my partner she will refuse to consent. The holiday is booked and paid for.

I know I’m in the wrong for being dishonest but I am on the birth certificate and have as much right as she does to take her on the holiday. My ex has taken her abroad several times before and this is my first time.

what can I do if my ex refuses to give consent?

thanks

My XH refused consent for the first trip abroad after our separation. On the (wrong) advice from his officious busybody social worker sister.
Using that lie to shit stir, whilst completely in character, is something I will never forgive her for. She can get in the bin.

I agree with this that the ex has a right to be nervous about this. She doesn’t have a right to meet the gf to judge her first though. The only ‘right’ she has now is to veto taking child abroad, so op needs to decide if he wants to work with mum respectfully this time and help her feel comfortable or just go to court to protect holiday time so he doesn’t have to communicate. But be aware that’s vice versa mum will apply for the same rights and might take her off to dangerous countries with a brand new boyfriend and his older male children (unlikely she’d be that silly but she’d have the right to). In the meantime, nothing is stopping dad taking daughter to a British seaside resort or pool complex like centre parc with his girlfriend or whoever else he wants, which would carry very similar risks from mums perspective.

Not at all. You should be concentrating on being a Dad. Wonder how much overlap there was......

This is ridiculous, you’re putting your daughter in an awful position. My son is 3 and he comes back and tells me who he’s seen and mentions daddy’s friends by name, I then naturally ask him more questions and he switches off and changes the subject.
if it’s a serious gf it’s polite to send your ex a heads up saying I’ve been seeing someone for x months, she’s met dd and it went well, just to let you know if she mentions it, let me know if you have any questions.

I disagree entirely that the mum doesn't have the right to meet the woman who's going to be looking after her THREE year old. That is so young! The mum is very much the main parent, and she has every right not to have her tiny child taken abroad by a complete stranger and a dad who's hardly lived with her.

I don't have any idea what the courts would say about this.

That's interesting info; thank you.

It’s clearly true. The holiday is as many nights as he has in a couple of months usually. Because he lives an hour away which is apparently an insurmountable obstacle. My dh works an hour away, as do many people.

I’m sorry I wouldn’t be letting you take even my rather sensible 8 year old on this trip.
The fact you lied was a huge breach in trust. With a 3 year old there is so much that can go wrong on a holiday - just today on metro I’ve seen article about 3 year drowned in pool at a villa and a 2 year old dropped from a balcony.
A distracted dad with a new girlfriend is far too high a risk for this.
My advice is just go with the new girlfriend- have a lovely holiday. Holidays with children are more hard work than fun.
For future- work on the relationship between your child’s mum and your partner, perhaps plan a uk holiday later in the year or early next year and go from there.

She doesn't have the right. You can disagree that it's fair, but the facts still remain facts.

If you don’t have to think about logistics for your child and mold your life around where they need to be and when every single day, you aren’t a parent. You are a baby sitter on the birth certificate. The actual parent gets to make decisions and no shade to her for not trusting a lying babysitter.

Obviously the other thing to point out when it comes to legalities is your 'time' is one night, once a fortnight. Presumably if you went to court and she asked you to be responsible for half the holidays you would refuse because you work, just like she does. Therefore yes, even with a court order she could block the holiday as it is happening during her 'time', not yours.

I just also wanted to mention that it is 2026. I have a 9 and 5 year old. They see their friends parents sharing care whilst working. 'Sorry, Daddy can't see you all week because he has a job' won't wash for long at all with your DD.

Not a legal right, no. But doing this to the ex is not fair to her and does not foster a healthy co-parenting relationship, which is bad for the child. I'm sure you wouldn't like to hand your tiny child over to a complete stranger and a dad who spends four nights a month with her. I doubt either of them have a clue what they're doing, and the child is so young and vulnerable.

Christ, raising a child with someone you're divorced from is just the absolute pits. Sorry you went through that.

These are the realities of a split family.

Would I like it? No. But I have no 'right' to dictate such things. When DC is with their father I would have no say in who they meet - he could leave DC with the new gf all day under her sole care if he chooses.

you've lied about living arrangements to get your own way - you think your ex would not agree with you so you took her chance of making an informed decision away from her.

if it was me I would be doing much more than refusing an overseas holiday - you've proven yourself to be maniupulative when it comes to your daughter's well being.

Children are free in rooms at that age - just go with your girlfriend holiday is not wasted.

That’s a lame excuse. If she withholds contact, then you go to court.

OP could refund her.

Yes. There is what is legal and what is child centred. The two sometimes overlap but often don’t. In fact the whole adversarial nature of the court process is not child centred. Awful system that often rules that abusive parents have a right to see their child. A father who has abused the child’s mother does not have that child’s best interests at heart and should be allowed only supervised contact in my opinion.

You’ve ballsed up. Your best best is to apologise hugely and say you panicked. Accept that it’s a no this time and work hard in regaining trust. Take accountability and promise to not lie again. And make sure you don’t in any shape or form. Tell her you understand why she’d be more comfortable with your mum not your gf. Offer to introduce them going forward.

When she’s older there shouldn’t be the same concerns for a three year old away from her primary care giver for such a long time. Then you can apply to the courts if necessary. In the meantime work on a mutually respectful co parenting relationship by holding your hands up completely to what a dick you’ve been.

Why did you book the holiday without getting her consent? As separated parents, if you both have parental responsibility you legally need the other parent’s permission to take dc abroad. Even I technically need my dc’s father’s permission to take my kids on holiday, despite the fact they live with me most of the time. I’d never book flights without asking him, he’d never say no, but it’s just the decent thing to do. As other PPs have said, lying about it was a massive fuck up. Asking someone for something that involves them placing a huge amount of trust in you (eg. allowing her daughter to go abroad without her) and lying about it is immediately going to make any trust she had in you to take your dd on holiday completely disappear. I wouldn’t want my kids going on holiday with their dad’s new partner if I hadn’t met her. She’d be a total stranger to me. I’d let this one go, accept you fucked up by lying and she’s trying to be a responsible mother by saying no, and work on being honest and transparent and earning her trust back. Be open, introduce her to your new partner and discuss holiday plans honestly and before booking anything in future. There’s no other way around it, unless you want to spend thousands taking her to court over this (and probably lose)

He has pretty much disappeared though, he has his child every other weekend for 1 night, if I read it correctly. So for 2 nights a month he is a parent, and the rest of the time she is with her Mum who I assume makes most if not all the decisions and does all the running around for her.
Given that he can’t apparently have his daughter anymore because of work commitments and area I assume he chose to live in being too far away he is an occasional babysitter…
My child sees his childminder more than OP sees his daughter. Added into the fact he’s lied about his mum going who I’m guessing the mum would have known it’s all a big mess.
I would be saying the same if it was a mum on here saying she had done the same and was the occasional parent.
If the child is 3, and he’s been with his partner since Jan 2025 then the break up happened when the child was a baby. His excuses for lack of contact are predictable as well as boring, taking a child of 3 on holiday who you yourself don’t parent very often, along with a stranger to the main care giver is not great, legally he can take her with her mums permission but he’d have to take me to court if I was in her shoes.

Why did you lie about your mum going? You've explained why you didn't say your girlfriend is going but why say your mum is going? Is it because you know your ex wouldn't trust you to take your DD on holiday alone?

Why oh why did you lie? That ruined all trust.