To think I should be able to take my daughter on holiday

[jj3457]

Hi everyone. I know some people may not like this, but I am a dad posting, just looking for some advice.

I told my ex I would like to take our daughter (3) on holiday to spain for 5 days with me and my mum.

Now this is where I messed up, and I will hold my hands up. I was dishonest when I told her I would be going with my mum. We will actually be going with my partner who my ex hasn’t met. I know this was a stupid lie but I was just worried my ex wouldn’t give consent for the holiday if she knew who was actually going.

To make matter worse, my ex has now found out that my mum is actually going to Florida for 2 weeks at the time I said she was coming to Spain with us.

My ex has messaged to say that she will not be handing over the passport until I give explicit details about the travel. I know that once I tell her I’m going with my partner she will refuse to consent. The holiday is booked and paid for.

I know I’m in the wrong for being dishonest but I am on the birth certificate and have as much right as she does to take her on the holiday. My ex has taken her abroad several times before and this is my first time.

what can I do if my ex refuses to give consent?

thanks

OP, if you'd just been honest in the first place that you were seeing someone, your ex would now know your girlfriend and she would know that her and your daughter get on well together, and you would not be in this position. Honestly is always the best policy. Lying by omission about your girlfriend led to the other lie about the trip.

Also, you're really not playing fair. Your ex has a right to know who her three-year-old is around. It's pretty awful that she's been around this adult for 16 months and you've never told your ex. You said that your kid mentioned her, but come on. You know you should have been upfront. How would you like it if your daughter had spent lots of time with a man for 16 months that you didn't know and had never met, and your ex never told you? And then lied that her dad was going on the holiday but it was really the man? You would be SO mad! Anyone would!

I do understand your worry that your ex would withhold access, but she is not allowed to do that. It would have been better to have been honest, let the cards fall where they may, and have gone to court if necessary.

There's been a lot of really poor decision-making on your part about all this, OP. I very much hope that you'll rethink your approach going forward. Look what a mess you're in now, a week before your holiday.

Who paid for the passport is neither here nor there. Do couples with children, or co-parents, really keep track to this level of who paid how much towards such essential life purchases? Good God.

I honestly think that would be for the best this time.

I thought of suggesting this, but presumably the girlfriend has taken time off work, paid her money, and has been looking forward to her holiday. He can't really tell her to not go. The best thing here is that the child stays behind and the OP gets some extra days with her when home to make up for them missing the holiday time together.

You can't say that the gf would be this way without having met her, though. And the child is so young, and no one cares about your kids the way his or her bio parents do. (Usually that is, not counting abusive parents.) This fact wouldn't matter if the DD was older, but she's SO young and vulnerable. What if she has a tantrum and gf can't cope, and loses her temper with her? Or gf isn't versed in children and water safety? And a million other things she might not know about very young children if she has none. And Dad hasn't lived with his daughter much. I can see how the ex would have been reassured by having the grandmother there, who has lots of life experience and has raised kids. A childless gf who she's never met, not so much.

Good God. Why all the secrecy? Was your gf your affair partner? I cannot think of any other reason why you would be trying SO HARD to worm your way out of telling your ex who you're going on holiday with.

We don't know. But if he's not picking up on the Friday night (or dropping off Monday morning), the bit he's missing will mainly be her sleeping - which you seem to imply is not of much value anyway.

I also wondered if OP had involved his mum in the lie. What was the plan for the ex asking her DD's grandmother if they had a nice time on holiday? And for when the ex asked the DD things like "Did you have a nice time with Granny?" GF must have a platinum-plated pussy to inspire all this ill-thought-out subterfuge.

A lot of people have said the gf should stay at home, but OP can't really tell another adult they can't go on the holiday they've booked time off for and paid for etc. The solution is that the child stays home this time.

The word "provided" is doing a lot of work here.

Since OP has hidden his new partner, his ex has no earthly idea if the gf has a clue how to take care of very young children, or what she's like at all. Meanwhile, OP has spent very little of DD's life taking care of her alone.

Yes, and are also much more competent and knowledgeable about taking care of the child and their likes/dislikes etc.

You're not understanding that the mum hasn't even MET this woman and knows nothing about her. If you'd be content with your three-year-old going to a foreign country with an adult who's a total stranger to you and a parent who has done very little parenting in the three years of her life, then you're not a very good parent.

It's always the dad making these excuses for not seeing their kids. What if her mum said the same thing? Plenty of parents have had full time jobs with long hours - when they have children they need to make changes, go part time, flexible working (is work after they've gone to bed). If we all just said oh well too bad our kids would have no one.

Yup. OP, were you aware that drowning happens in sixty seconds and is silent? Things happen in the body which mean they can't wave, because their arms are too busy pressing the water down, and their epiglottis slams shut to stop more water going into the lungs, which means they can't call out?

Drowning is the number one cause of death in children aged 1-4, bar none.

Do you have arm bands and a life jacket for her? Or arm bands and a rubber ring? What about high-factor sunscreen, sunglasses, and a hat? The sunscreen needs to be reapplied at least every two hours. And have you bought swim nappies? Assume you've already organised a swim suit for her.

Watch this, and if you get to go on this holiday with your gf, she should watch it too:

OP, also watch this one.

Note how none of the drowning children are able to shout or wave. It's fast and silent and the victim is unable to draw attention to themselves.

That’s what you get for lying. I have no sympathy and your daughter deserves better.

What exactly has OP said that makes you think lying was understandable?

How would you feel if your ex introduced your DD to a new partner and you knew nothing about it and nothing about him? Would you be happy for your DD to go overseas with a stranger that you didn't even know existed? How about if your ex lied about it and you caught them in that lie? You're painting your ex as unreasonable yet you are the one being unreasonable.

Just leave your DD at home and go enjoy your holiday with your GF. When you come back, learn how to communicate with your ex without being dishonest. It's in the best interests of your DD.

The people who aren’t supporting you here are absolutely in the wrong. Your ex has no right to prevent you from going on holiday with your daughter. She has no right to withhold the passport. I would consider, if you have the money, making an application to court around contact to create an order that specifies when you can take your daughter on holiday. Your ex doesn’t necessarily even need to know that you have a new partner going with you.

Well he can’t be trusted if he is a liar.

You’ll have to take her to court

she can refuse you to take her abroad.

Yep. Its her child too.

Consent of all legal guardians of a child is required to take that child overseas so yes indeed she does have a right to refuse.

Assuming you have PR, i dont see why you hsvr any less right to take your own child on holiday, than she does. So what if you lied to her- you don't need to run the itinerary past her! It's not up to her to dictate who else is on tge holiday!
I would contact a solicitor and get him to draw up a letter about how the courts will view her unreasonable behaviour in this matter, shoukd you seek increased or full custody.
Thos will be quick and cheap and hopefully put the frighteners on tge mother and shecwill back down

Its not really healthy or fair that your daughter was put in the position of having to share that news. So to save yourself her mum's reaction, you put your little girl in a position where she might see her mum really upset. I get that managing dynamics with an ex isnt easy. But hopefully going forward youll be more honest and tall about the important things so your little one doesnt have to.