To think I should be able to take my daughter on holiday

[jj3457]

Hi everyone. I know some people may not like this, but I am a dad posting, just looking for some advice.

I told my ex I would like to take our daughter (3) on holiday to spain for 5 days with me and my mum.

Now this is where I messed up, and I will hold my hands up. I was dishonest when I told her I would be going with my mum. We will actually be going with my partner who my ex hasn’t met. I know this was a stupid lie but I was just worried my ex wouldn’t give consent for the holiday if she knew who was actually going.

To make matter worse, my ex has now found out that my mum is actually going to Florida for 2 weeks at the time I said she was coming to Spain with us.

My ex has messaged to say that she will not be handing over the passport until I give explicit details about the travel. I know that once I tell her I’m going with my partner she will refuse to consent. The holiday is booked and paid for.

I know I’m in the wrong for being dishonest but I am on the birth certificate and have as much right as she does to take her on the holiday. My ex has taken her abroad several times before and this is my first time.

what can I do if my ex refuses to give consent?

thanks

You may have to choose whether you go with girlfriend or daughter.

I hope she says no. Your little dd is too young and to vulnerable for this pp. Why not put DD’s needs first?

Then comparing taking her on holiday with your ex taking her is like comparing apples and oranges... you're not an equal parent because she does the vast majority of the actual parenting.

At 3 I think your daughter is too young to be put in the position of going away with her dad, who she only sees for a limited amount of time per week, and his partner who she presumably sees even less frequently. She's tiny and will probably miss her mum in a new place anyway. She'll need you to concentrate on her during the trip.

Why don't you take her alone and concentrate on bonding with her? You have a huge opportunity to spend some quality time with your child and you're risking it to have a girlfriend with you.

Just imagine if something went wrong and your ex thought your mum was there, your child’s grandparent who she’s likely a lot closer to than your girlfriend.

why fucking lie. Ask yourself how you’d feel if the tables were turned and your daughter was going away with your ex’s boyfriend.

Has your ex met your partner? I’d feel uncomfortable with this unless I’d met them to be honest.

She’s a toddler and too young to be away from her mum
Before even getting into the fact that you are a liar and your ex is correct not to trust you.

All you could do legally is apply to court for an order but it’s unlikely you would get a hearing in time.

To my understanding of English, Jan 2025 is ‘last January’ and Jan 2026 is ‘this January’

In her position there is no chance I would give you the passport. Absolutely no chance.

I do tend to agree this scenario is more of introducing the child into the OP's relationship with the GF as opposed to introducing the OP's GF into the relationship OP has with his child. The child isn't an accessory.
The entire holiday needs to revolve around the child. I wonder if the GF is onboard with that?

If your ex doesn’t agree then you will need to choose between a holiday with your GF or a holiday with your DD. Who is your priority?

The OP is so far from an 'equal partner'. He parents his child very few days a year. No way would I let a tiny three year old leave the country with anyone other than the parent she's with full time.

I think that’s the right thing to do. If I were her, I’d only want to be assured that my child was in safe hands and to know where she was in case of need.

Hopefully, if she was happy with the holiday when your Mum was involved she’ll be ok with this.

Telling the truth doesn't exactly seem to be his forte though!

The thing is the mum might actually be happier with the idea of there being a second adult on the holiday (some one who can step in if the OP is ill or can't cope) than with the idea of of it being just the OP and DD but instead of showing that he is reliable and honest the OP has shot himself in the foot by being caught out in a lie which has probably made the ex question why he felt the need to lie.

While in theory they are equally DD's parents in practice the OP has far less contact and therefore experience than the mother. Does he know his daughter's routine? Her likes and dislikes has he looked after her while she was ill or while he was? What are his his plans for couple time while away? Happy to be adult time free for the week or planning to leave his daughter in kids club for a few drinks and a bit of leg over? Does the girlfriend have children? Will they be on the holiday?

All of this should have been discussed and various potential situations talked through but the OP has lied to cover his arse rather than face up to the truth and brain storm with the child's main caregiver what would happen is the child is unwell, or if the OP is or the child is homesick. To take a small child away from her main carer and her familiar routine successfully needs everyone pulling together. But the OP hasn't presented a plan and worked through the challenges he has lied.

Fingers crossed

would this be the longest time you have had dd alone

@jj3457 unfortunately I think you shot yourself well and truly in the foot when you lied.

This and I assume your ex hasn’t met the current girlfriend? I wouldn’t want my 3yo sleeping in the same room as anyone I had never met before and I can garuntee her dad would feel the same way.

How did you think you'd get away with this and it not come out at some point? Even afterwards?

On here you refer to her as your ex, is that how you think of her? If so you would be better to think of her instead as Child's Name's mother and put aside whatever went on between you two that's caused you to "panic" and tell such a stupid lie.

I wouldn't want my child going on holiday with someone I hadn't met, or on holiday with someone who has lied about the nature of the holiday. Which is you playing happy families with someone else in her role who she hasn't even met. You have completely abused her trust.

Would you say that a mum getting a new partner is just ‘playing happy families’ when taking her child on holiday with him?

My DD has been questioned by customs officials several times while leaving the country, even with both parents and all the same surname (who are those people/ where are you going/ what will you be doing). I was questioned bringing her home from a holiday when she was 17 about where her other parent was and if I had permission to take her out of the country.

Just this week there have been at least 3 cases in the news of small children drowning in hotel pools abroad. I would be very concerned about such a young child going away with a father who lies and his GF. Will he watch her properly and at all times? A holiday with a 3 yo is as far from relaxing as you can get.

The fact that her mother was happy for her to go when she thought grandma would be there speaks volumes. This isn't some harridan trying to be difficult but a mother with genuine concerns.

As others have said it would have made more sense to have taken her somewhere within the UK so that he could get her home if anything happened or she was homesick. She's 3; there are plenty of years for foreign holidays when she's old enough to be away from her main carer.

Personally given the fact you lied i wouldnt allow my child to go with you.
You are indeed a parent, but i would expect basic communication even if either party were annoyed/angry. If i found out my child had been in regular contact with another adult without my knowledge that had been going on over 18 months i would be fuming

I hope it works out for you and you all get to go and enjoy your holiday.

Why do you see your child so little? 3 days and 1 night out of 14 is poor, most kids spend more time than that with the staff at nursery.
After the holiday is past, whatever happens, I think you should try to sort out a more even split if you want to be properly involved.

Make sure your girlfriend isn't always there too because your daughter needs one to one time with you.

F

You shouldn’t have lied. Your ex has the right to know who is around her child, if not legally then out of basic respect. I had this with my ex…it was very stressful and upsetting not knowing who he had around my baby.

That said, she should trust your judgement as an equal parent. And she shouldn’t refuse your holiday unless she has genuine welfare concerns or worries that you won’t return the child.

Just don’t lie in future. Your relationship with your childs mother matters and it needs mutual respect and honesty.

May as well double down. Just say your mother changed her plans (after a fall out) and you're going alone.

Or.. be an adult and tell the truth. If you lose money: that's your fault. By the way, when your ex eventually found out your mother never went, did you think you'd ever get consent for another trip abroad?

Why not post on Dadsnet and see what advice you get.