To think I should be able to take my daughter on holiday

[jj3457]

Hi everyone. I know some people may not like this, but I am a dad posting, just looking for some advice.

I told my ex I would like to take our daughter (3) on holiday to spain for 5 days with me and my mum.

Now this is where I messed up, and I will hold my hands up. I was dishonest when I told her I would be going with my mum. We will actually be going with my partner who my ex hasn’t met. I know this was a stupid lie but I was just worried my ex wouldn’t give consent for the holiday if she knew who was actually going.

To make matter worse, my ex has now found out that my mum is actually going to Florida for 2 weeks at the time I said she was coming to Spain with us.

My ex has messaged to say that she will not be handing over the passport until I give explicit details about the travel. I know that once I tell her I’m going with my partner she will refuse to consent. The holiday is booked and paid for.

I know I’m in the wrong for being dishonest but I am on the birth certificate and have as much right as she does to take her on the holiday. My ex has taken her abroad several times before and this is my first time.

what can I do if my ex refuses to give consent?

thanks

What are you questioning? Him saying his mum was going was a lie. The OP says nothing about where he actually stays with his child on the one overnight a fortnight.

Yeah OP you're not going to get much support here. If the shoe was on the other foot and your ex was going away with her new partner who you hadn't been told about I doubt you'd be thrilled.

Legally you've got parental responsibility but if your ex has your daughter's passport there's not much you can do about it apart from go to court which is unlikely to improve relations with your ex.

Why do you see your daughter so little?

How long have you been seeing your partner and when was she introduced to your daughter?

Why haven't you had an adult conversation with your ex about your new partner?

When you said that you’ve been seeing your girlfriend since last January, I noticed that some posters interpreted that as a year and a half ago, whereas to me ‘last January’ would mean January of this year – so you’ve only been with her about half a year. Can you clarify which it is?

I think you knew what the answer would be when you lied.

If everything was above board you would just have said what your plans were BEFORE booking the holiday.

Being found out has made it a million times worse.

Personally I wouldn't want my young child going on a foreign holiday with a new partner that I didn't know.

@jj3457 you need to listen to this poster in terms of practical legal advice rather than other posters offering moral judgment.

You’ve messed up by lying but hopefully that’s a lesson learned and potentially you could avoid court by belatedly being open and honest with your ex and hoping she gives her permission.

For transparency I’m a step mother and before DH and I took DSC on a holiday together at a similar age to your child, DH was at pains (appropriately so) to reassure DSC’smother.

The location, duration of the holiday was discussed before booking (it was clear I would be there) and he agreed daily FaceTime contact between DSC/Mother.

It worked really well and DSC loved speaking to Mummy each evening about their adventures each day. Next holiday (and the next/next/next - DSC now adult) all went without a hitch.

My suggestion is speak to your ex and hold your hands up to the lie. Apologise.

Then be totally transparent about the arrangements and offer regular FaceTime for the duration of the holiday.

If she refuses then you will need to go to court.

You screwed up massively. You don't sound trustworthy. Of course, your current gf doesnt NEED to go on the holiday. Yes she'll lose out but depends who you want to prioritise here for a holiday - your current partner or your daughter? You need to tell your ex asap, apologise for lying and wait for the outcome. Was your ex depending on you for childcare that week?

I didn’t even go on holiday when my eldest was 3. Holidays with such young children are just work in another place without your usual facilities. Why don’t you just leave the 3yo with her mum. I’m sure that would be kinder on her than going abroad without her primary caregiver so very young.

Except mum may not be available to have the child given she thought the child would be on holiday.

In that case, enjoy your child-free holiday, and next time you make a plan, be honest from the beginning.

Well then she’d have to hand the passport over after all 🤷‍♀️

@jj3457 is not trust worthy.
He said he lied, then couldn't go back on the lie. That is completely indicative of an immature and low character.
For that way of thinking I'd suggest therapy to work through why he feel he needs to lie. It is not about his ex-wife, either. It's who he is, how he manages relationships and interactions with others and how he copes.

As for this current situation, there is only one remedy: tell ex-wife he lied about who was going with because he was afraid of conflict. Full-stop. Do. Not. Blame or attempt to justify that.
Leave it at that truthful statement.
Let the ex-wife reply and make a decision.
Accept decision if the answer is, No, without argument or further discussion.

Moving forward: therapy and honesty.
I don't believe @jj3457 is authentic and honest in his current relationship or in any.
The lying is manipulation. That needs to stop.

Why? Surely it's perfectly easy for your girlfriend to stay behind.

You should have been honest about the situation from the start. You have the right as an equal parent to take your DD on holiday but you might need a court order.
I wouldn’t want her to go now because you weren’t honest about it.

Well the girlfriend might have paid for herself and not be willing to skip her holiday

'Legally does my ex have a right to know who I’m going on holiday with?'

of course the child's mother has a legal right to know whom her daughter is going on holiday with !

as well as knowing you are a liar.

If your ex is setting out that you can’t take your dc abroad

start the court proceedings asap

Last January as in January 2025

Yes do that, it would be easier if the courts spells it out to op

I have now spoken to my ex and sent her screenshots of the flights and hotel and duration of holiday. I have apologised for lying. All I can do now is hope for the best

Haven't you wondered why his ex is 'difficult'? Might it be that he has a history of lying and cheating (the two often go together)? This could be the latest in a long line of half truths, omissions and double dealing that merely confirms that he can't be trusted. And in my experience, women are frequent labelled 'difficult' when they refuse to do precisely what some prick of a man wants them to.

Have you told her the truth about having a partner? If so you’ve done the right thing, hopefully she’s reassured but if not just take it on the chin as this one’s on you.

You're talking about the poor child as though she's a toy that both parents need to have equal sharesies in. How appalling.

This is a tiny little child who, from what OP has said, has never been away from her mum for more than a couple of nights. He should definitely have some longer times with her in the UK before thinking about taking her abroad, and see how they both manage. 5 days is very different from 2, its a long time for such a little one.

Its not about his 'rights' fgs! (newsflash: he doesn't have any; the child does).

While with his rights it will do nothing to keep the relationship with his ex amicable.
It will affect his child.
It will make him an absolute dick.
It will be an excuse for him avoid addressing his own issues about honesty and manipulation.
He really needs to be accountable now and not go on the offensive.

Your daughter is nearly four so she can talk. Surely she would tell her mum all about the holiday when she got back? Then your ex would know you lied. So you’d get caught out anyway?
understandably your ex would be furious and could cause even more problems?
And would you be ok with your daughter going away with your ex’s partner?