AIBU to feel judged by mum friends for being childfree?

[ByAzureMoose]

I am a childfree 36 yo (most of my friends and all of my sisters have children of varying ages) and I have always been 100% supportive of their decisions. I'm a dentist so I make decent money and spend a lot of it on my biological and 'surrogate' nieces and nephews, I also work part-time and spend a lot of time particularly with my sisters children because I love them like my own.
I've spent my entire childhood explaining to people that I don't want children and I'm not just going to magically change my mind when I get older. My main reasoning is that I value my space, money and time. I am very clued onto the state of the world in terms of climate change, wars, the overall degeneration of society and my nerves can't handle bringing a child into that. And lastly, I come from a culture where motherhood is everything - the second you pop a child out, you're a mum and only that. Dads can have hobbies and lives and passions and climb the career ladder and go on lads holidays etc but mums are just mums. The funny thing is if I could be a dad I might be, but I don't want to be a mum.
Anyways, onto my AIBU - frequent conversations have come up about my biological clock running out etc and I get a weird vibe that a lot of the women in my life resent me for not falling into the same pattern of misery as the rest of them. They're all great mums and love their children to death don't get me wrong, but they all dedicate 24/7 to their children and their useless husbands who work and think that's the extent of their family contribution, they all complain to me constantly about how tired they are, how poor they are, their kids won't leave them alone, some of them even regret it. But then in the same breath, they'll tell me how selfish I am for not wanting children? And there's always the 'who'll look after you when you're old?' My sister didn't talk to me for a week because I had the audacity to tell her that children aren't a retirement plan.
I just feel more and more that my mum friends all have a superiority complex over me because I chose to be childfree, despite the fact that I'm very happy in my life and it really doesn't sound like they are

It honestly sounds like the superiority is going both ways.

I’m childfree but I’ve never had an issue with anyone else commenting on it other than a healthy level of interest about a lifestyle that is different to their own and arguably still considered unconventional.

You mention you get a “weird vibe” and you “feel” they have a superiority complex, rather than any explicit comments. “Weird vibes” can be ignored, it is just your paranoia, you can’t know for sure what your friends think. And even if they do think you’ve made a terrible decision, so what? Other people’s thoughts are their own business.

Ugh. I've been through that too. Never had any interest in having my own. Partially due to possible genetic issues. I do have step children, who I adore.
I have had the same questions and air of superiority fired my way too over the years. I have just never given the energy to explain myself. Motherhood isn't for everyone.

I get a weird vibe that a lot of the women in my life resent me for not falling into the same pattern of misery as the rest of them. They're all great mums and love their children to death don't get me wrong, but they all dedicate 24/7 to their children and their useless husbands who work and think that's the extent of their family contribution, they all complain to me constantly about how tired they are, how poor they are, their kids won't leave them alone, some of them even regret it. But then in the same breath, they'll tell me how selfish I am for not wanting children? And there's always the 'who'll look after you when you're old?' My sister didn't talk to me for a week because I had the audacity to tell her that children aren't a retirement plan.

I just feel more and more that my mum friends all have a superiority complex over me because I chose to be childfree, despite the fact that I'm very happy in my life and it really doesn't sound like they are

OK, a lot to unpick here (and I say this as someone who planned all her life not to have children, but did eventually have one aged 40) -- bluntly, you need to choose your friends better. I can assure you that non-downtrodden WOHMs with properly egalitarian marriages exist. I doubt m life is that different to yours. I'm a mother, but I'm also a lot of other things. My child isn't the centre of my being. I'm perfectly aware that I would be differently happy had I not had him. I have lots of childfree friends. Our lives are not that dissimilar. Actually my two closest single childfree friends both have dogs, and are far more restricted in their movements than I have ever been as a parent.

I have absolutely had comments about 'selfishness' and obvious resentment, but not from my friends, from friends of neighbours at a barbecue that I'd never met before! Those aren't people you want in your life!

You don't sound as if you like or respect these friends much, either . Why not focus on expanding your circle to include more childfree people and people with children who are well into adulthood, not dependents? I'd worked with one colleague for two full years before realising she had adult children.

What are you actually asking? Are you unreasonable for feeling judged? You can feel however you want to feel. Surely you know that.

I think what you really want to say is "are my friends and sisters less evolved than I am for not having rejected the social path that I too was born into, and jealous of me for not having made the same choice as them and taking this out on me when I point out how much better than them I am?". Which is a totally different question.

If someone asked me whether I had children and their tone suggested it was going to turn into that kind of conversation (pity or disapproval), I occasionally looked puzzled and said 'I forget' and went to get another drink.

Sorry! I didn't say it four times, I swear! Will ask MNHQ to delete. 😀

Er no, I’m not ‘just a mum’ thank you very much!!

I really doubt they feel this way. I imagine a lot of parents cannot imagine life without their children and so assume most childfree people will forget it. I will say though my friends with kids don’t seem fussed I don’t have them. One asked once if I would consider a sperm donor. And left it alone when I said no. I will say your post reads as if you feel superior to your friends.

Op said it's expected in her culture that mums are just mums, not that every mum is just a mum.

It sounds like you’re bang on.
Would you consider marrying outside your culture? My husband is white British and he’s not useless at all, in fact he took part time work when the kids were young and my employer wouldn’t let me go part time. We go halves on the childcare & running the house (I probably cook more but he cleans up.) We are a partnership and it works well. I have a great career.

If anyone sounds as though they have a superiority complex OP, it’s you.

And women don’t simply ‘pop children out’.

I suspect this is why you are getting this vibe because your intent isnt very nice is it? you said: I get a weird vibe that a lot of the women in my life resent me for not falling into the same pattern of misery as the rest of them

I have kids. I am not remotely "miserable" - I am very happy with my life choices thanks but if you continue to imply this to me when its not true then yes of course, I wont want to spend time with you, why on earth would I?

Its like me implying patronisingly that you must be unfulfilled because you are childless (I dont think that btw but its no less patronising than you telling me I must be "miserable" with my choice to have kids)

See how respect for choices goes BOTH ways??

Did you post this on the wrong thread?

Edit: ignore me. i missed OP’s comment about her culture.

Absolutely crazy reach, I'm guessing you're a mum that feels personally attacked or something. I never once insinuated they were jealous of me or less evolved and I think the fact that you went there says a bit more about you than it does about me xx

I’m happily childfree by choice, too OP & a bit older than you. I always knew I didn’t want to be a parent and was never going to change my mind.

These women are envious of you. They envy your career, your lifestyle & most of all they envy your freedom. They obviously won’t & can’t say that out loud because to do so would mean admitting to themselves that they regret having their children. So they project their resentment onto you. Take it as a compliment, and carry on enjoying your childfree life.

If you're comfortable in your choice, you shouldn't feel so defensive about it. I'm late forties and I haven't had kids, and I've probably had some similar conversations but can't remember them, because we're all entitled to our viewpoints. My friends spend a lot of time complaining about their kids but clearly love them to bits, so I'm happy for them. I love my life the way it is, so I'm smug in my own choices. But clearly there are pros and cons to both situations.

It was a figure of speech, calm yourself

I think lots of us have the measure of you.

And we totally get why you have very few friends.....

But you went on in your OP how your reasons are your carefully considered concerns about the environment and all that, insinuating that all these women who are 'just mums' are halfwits who don't have the wit to consider it all like you do and are just mindlessly reproducing. I suspect any weird 'vibes' you're getting are due to your condescending attitude.

Okay so when I said misery it was purely because of stories and things they have said to me about their husbands being useless and kids being chaotic, not because I think all mums are miserable. Reading glasses people

I was with you on this until you started being so offensive towqrds the ‘women in your life’, presumably some of whom and friends and relatives. When I chose to have a child of course I dedicated myself to her 24 hours a day, 7 days a week - that’s what parents do, particularly mothers who are usually the ones who are on maternity leave or stay at home with their children. You talk about your friends having a superiority complex, but it sounds very much as though you’re the one who thinks you’re superior.