AIBU to feel judged by mum friends for being childfree?

[ByAzureMoose]

I am a childfree 36 yo (most of my friends and all of my sisters have children of varying ages) and I have always been 100% supportive of their decisions. I'm a dentist so I make decent money and spend a lot of it on my biological and 'surrogate' nieces and nephews, I also work part-time and spend a lot of time particularly with my sisters children because I love them like my own.
I've spent my entire childhood explaining to people that I don't want children and I'm not just going to magically change my mind when I get older. My main reasoning is that I value my space, money and time. I am very clued onto the state of the world in terms of climate change, wars, the overall degeneration of society and my nerves can't handle bringing a child into that. And lastly, I come from a culture where motherhood is everything - the second you pop a child out, you're a mum and only that. Dads can have hobbies and lives and passions and climb the career ladder and go on lads holidays etc but mums are just mums. The funny thing is if I could be a dad I might be, but I don't want to be a mum.
Anyways, onto my AIBU - frequent conversations have come up about my biological clock running out etc and I get a weird vibe that a lot of the women in my life resent me for not falling into the same pattern of misery as the rest of them. They're all great mums and love their children to death don't get me wrong, but they all dedicate 24/7 to their children and their useless husbands who work and think that's the extent of their family contribution, they all complain to me constantly about how tired they are, how poor they are, their kids won't leave them alone, some of them even regret it. But then in the same breath, they'll tell me how selfish I am for not wanting children? And there's always the 'who'll look after you when you're old?' My sister didn't talk to me for a week because I had the audacity to tell her that children aren't a retirement plan.
I just feel more and more that my mum friends all have a superiority complex over me because I chose to be childfree, despite the fact that I'm very happy in my life and it really doesn't sound like they are

Patronising and rude- gosh its such a shocker why you are struggling to find friends eh? 😆

Hear you @ByAzureMoose . Lots of people, women especially, seem to take other women’s choice not to have kids as an indictment of their own choices. I also love the cognitive dissonance of saying one is selfish for not having kids but then cry “who will look after you when you’re old!” Can’t have it both ways.

I agree being a dad sounds a lot more fun than being a mum, at least before the kids are adults. You have to do what makes you happy and let go of others opinions,that way madness lies.

This is so sad. I'm a mother but I have many childfree friends and we're equally respectful of and enthusiastic about each others' lives. In your life it seems that you think your friends' lives look awful, and they feel the same about yours.

Do you think you could get things into a better place with more enthusiasm and less judgment on both sides, or is it a lost cause? Perhaps you need to try and broaden your circle to find more people who don't divide the world into categories along the lines of motherhood. A happy coexistence is out there, I hope you find it.

I wouldn’t judge or care, the only time it would annoy me is if said friend was actually resentful of children that would bother me. Sometimes it’s nice to have friends that discuss more than parenting as when our children grow up we still need to have our own hobbies and interests

Lol that you think I might not be ‘calm’.

But stating that women ‘pop babies out’ is just misogynistic shite.

I am very clued onto the state of the world in terms of climate change, wars, the overall degeneration of society and my nerves can't handle bringing a child into that

While you seem to think they are presumably too stupid, uneducated and ill informed so are thoughtlessly popping babies out left, right and centre condemning themselves and their poor children to lives of perpetual misery. A terrible shame.

Its a real head scratcher as to why all of your friends are seemingly pissed off with you 🤨

Lol yeah, must be the lack of kids 🤣🤣

I've said this on another thread today already but it's so important to find a social circle of friends who genuinely like you and support you, and vice versa.

I'm childfree and none of my parent friends have ever called me selfish. There might be a bit of mutual incomprehension at the different lifestyles we've chosen and I still don't know what to say when they complain about being tired, but I'm happy for them that they have the lives they wanted and they're happy that I have mine.

Someone who calls you selfish and makes snide comments about your life is not your friend.

Right? One of life's great unsolved mysteries.

It's almost like people don't appreciate being judged for their life choices and, for some inexplicable reason, become less inclined to be your friend. Who would've thought?

I think this is your problem OP.

I respect anyone's choices to have children or not have children but you lost me when you said "I get a weird vibe that a lot of the women in my life resent me for not falling into the same pattern of misery as the rest of them."

I imagine that's not the case OP and it's more likely they're saying those things to make you feel better. Having children has brought joy to my life in a way I can't imagine anything else would but I would never say that to a childless friend (I have a few) and it wouldn't even have occurred to me to say that if not for your air of superiority.

But why would you choose to be around so many non-working mothers who’ve made poor choices of husband, have bowed to cultural pressures, and who make motherhood their entire identity (as you describe them)?

I'm a mother of several children. I love my kids, they are incredible and bring me joy every day. My husband does his share, and guess what? I also have a high paying career, friends and time to do my hobbies on the side.

It sounds like both you and your friends/relatives are all unhappy, presumably because the men in your lives are garbage. It doesn't have to be like that

First reply nails it!

I often wonder why people are called selfish because they don't want children. As if those having children are somehow performing a great altruistic sacrifice. I don't think we need to criticise others choices to validate our own.

Before having kids, I wouldn't have come on a site called Mumsnet to talk about a pattern of misery...this might be the kind of thing that annoys them.

Are you for real?!

Of course they don’t all envy the OP! When I decided to have a child, I thought very long and hard about it and decided that it was worth it to me to give up my career and stay at home with my child. I was fully prepared for the drastic change in my lifestyle and loved it. We struggled financially for eight years until I went back to work part time, but I never ever resented any of my friends who had loads more money than me or who had more freedom, and I certainly didn’t regret not working. Everyone is different but I don’t know anyone who has regretted their decision to have children or who resents childless women who have more money and freedom. If that’s the life you choose and you’re happy with, that’s great, but please don’t assume that other women are jealous because they’ve chosen a different lifestyle.

Yes, I wanted a child so I had one. Nothing ‘unselfish’ about doing what you want. I was also weeks off 40 when I had DS, who now 14, so plenty of experience of life pre-and post-having a child. I’m exactly as selfish/unselfish as I was before I had him. I didn’t suddenly turn into some self-sacrificing martyr to DS’s needs the moment the placenta was out.

I applaud you for figuring all this out OP. You have it sussed way more than a lot of us, but surely there’s no need to sound so smug?

I have lots of childfree friends and I certainly envy their freedom and tidy houses and ability to do what they want. But I don’t think they view all mothers as miserable people who pop children out! I’m OAD, and i think it’s a best kept secret as you still manage to have some free time for hobbies and yourself.

Im really glad you are so happy with your choices, that’s great. There’s no need to fall out with people over it.

You sound very smug, I don't think it's because you are child free that people don't like you much.

Honestly, nobody gives that much of a shit about anybody else

I think it must be your friends as I don't come across people like this in real life, I have children but plenty of my friends or former colleagues don't and I've never questioned them on this, not do I go on about my children to them even though they are a big part of my life. I would not dream of asking someone why they haven't had kids or telling them that they were missing out. Each person's life choices are none of my business.