AIBU to feel judged by mum friends for being childfree?

[ByAzureMoose]

I am a childfree 36 yo (most of my friends and all of my sisters have children of varying ages) and I have always been 100% supportive of their decisions. I'm a dentist so I make decent money and spend a lot of it on my biological and 'surrogate' nieces and nephews, I also work part-time and spend a lot of time particularly with my sisters children because I love them like my own.
I've spent my entire childhood explaining to people that I don't want children and I'm not just going to magically change my mind when I get older. My main reasoning is that I value my space, money and time. I am very clued onto the state of the world in terms of climate change, wars, the overall degeneration of society and my nerves can't handle bringing a child into that. And lastly, I come from a culture where motherhood is everything - the second you pop a child out, you're a mum and only that. Dads can have hobbies and lives and passions and climb the career ladder and go on lads holidays etc but mums are just mums. The funny thing is if I could be a dad I might be, but I don't want to be a mum.
Anyways, onto my AIBU - frequent conversations have come up about my biological clock running out etc and I get a weird vibe that a lot of the women in my life resent me for not falling into the same pattern of misery as the rest of them. They're all great mums and love their children to death don't get me wrong, but they all dedicate 24/7 to their children and their useless husbands who work and think that's the extent of their family contribution, they all complain to me constantly about how tired they are, how poor they are, their kids won't leave them alone, some of them even regret it. But then in the same breath, they'll tell me how selfish I am for not wanting children? And there's always the 'who'll look after you when you're old?' My sister didn't talk to me for a week because I had the audacity to tell her that children aren't a retirement plan.
I just feel more and more that my mum friends all have a superiority complex over me because I chose to be childfree, despite the fact that I'm very happy in my life and it really doesn't sound like they are

I don't think that poster is the troll.

This. Your friends and 'the women in your life' aren't the ones who sound judgy and unreasonable @ByAzureMoose

So you think women give birth so they don't have to work? This isn't the serve you think it is, you can think I'm on a high and mighty horse, an arrogant b*, whatever you want, but if you have to agree with an incel to do it, you're the loser here

Have you actually met any women, @Catpuss66?

You do sounds very very angry. In all of your posts, you sound very cross, and impatient, and extremely aeriated! Maybe you should be asking yourself why.

Not just the old age thing but looking after your own DNA and thus an extension of yourself pretty much voids any idea of being selfless anyway. If anything they probably do less for the rest of the world once they've had kids as everything is focused on them.

It did come across that way though..I think you even described their lives in your post as lives of misery..

If you come from a traditional culture yeah there may be a lot of pressure to have kids because it’s just what you do, it’s seen as a life stage you can’t miss. Having said that I’m a mum, we have siblings/cousins who will not be having kids and we never questioned them about it at all, a)none of my business b) i know I would have been perfectly happy without children. I did ask one couple who decided they were trying if they were absolutely sure (the husband is lazy and a bit selfish tbh and I’m not sure if he’s going to improve with kids).

I also think the examples of balance in relationships you have around you are extremely poor. A lot of relationships are quite egalitarian, I’m asian and Dh just did bath and bedtime, took DC for a day out without me because I was under the weather etc despite the fact that I’m a SAHM. My BIL’s do the same. so the misery you are seeing may be specific to the people you know. Having said that I think you can decide to have kids for any reason and you definitely don’t owe anyone an explanation, you can decide you don’t want the faff, enjoy using your disposable income on yourself and quite like sleeping, no-one should demand a child they have no intention of looking after or paying for.

I think Op is feeling prickly because she just feels extremely judged, if you come from a culture where having kids is seen as essential people can be extremely overbearing. My MIL mentioned it every single damn time I saw her for 8 years. It’s draining.

It’s only quite recent in UK history that women have really had much of a choice regarding marriage or having children and certainly financial independence for women hasn’t been common until recent history.
I’m in my 50s and didn’t really feel like there was any other choice but to find a partner and have children. My dd on the other hand doesn’t feel that having kids is expected or that she will experience low status in society without a husband. I think she might well prefer to be single and child free and if that’s her decision I fully support it. She would still be in a minority amongst her peers but the minority is growing ever larger. I think it’s now possible for women to enjoy a life that is better in many ways without children. After all, who wants to be sleep deprived and have less time and money to spend on themselves? Even if you don’t overall regret your choice to have children there are some aspects of being child free that are highly enviable and that’s just a fact. Your friends are only human to envy at least some aspects of your life.
I have an only child and there’s a similar difference for me and my friends who have multiple children. I have more freedom, more money, more time for myself and more independence. Some of them think I have it easy and that may well be true. My dd is now grown up and is my fave person. If I had more dc presumably I’d then have more fave people which would presumably be fantastic!
I do agree that being a dad is a lot more appealing in many ways than being a mum!
My guess would be that the birthrate will continue to drop as the social and economic environment doesn’t make having dc easy - for women in particular - and it’s becoming more socially acceptable to choose not to have kids.

Yep. My experience.

Thank you so much for understanding. I love my friends and my sisters more than anything but in (Asian) households, not being married and having kids is essentially waking up every day as the family disappointment, even 'aunties' you've never met know about the ins and outs etc and judge you at family gatherings. It's bad enough without feeling 'a weird vibe' from your friends as well. I know just a vibe might not be enough for some people, but it is for me

You refer to them as judging because you didn't fall I to the same path of misery they chose.

I get it OP. It’s absolutely a projection of their own unhappiness or them trying to justify their decision, try to ignore it as best you can because it’ll pass once they are settled into being parents. Some people (definitely not just mums) take it as a personal affront when you’re living the life they would have had if they didn’t have babies. I had DC young so we have older teens now friends are having babies and I’ve had some very rude and thoughtless comments made to me. I don’t personally think they should be asking you about pregnancy or children unless you bring up the subject, it’s such a hard topic for so many women I hoped there was more awareness about it now

Most my friends and family have children. Never have they encouraged me to follow suit to the point I've never heard a single positive sentiment from them.

They have on the other hand said never do it. I'm so jealous of you. I wish I could still put my all in at work....

I don't think any less of them. They just do what they think the right thing is and to be fair, their children can be lovely

OP just say to them "I've no interest in your opinions and in return I won't mention how old you look". Guess that will stop them fairly swiftly!

No she doesn't. On the other hand loads of parents on this thread do sound angry, and have taken the OP extremely and unnecessarily personally.

I'm a parent, by the way.

Meh, most of my friends with kids have got kinda fat and frumpy tbh.

If someone calls you selfish just remind them that all the subs and handouts they get simply for breeding come out of your taxes.

Do you generally friend-audition by dress size?

You sound very defensive and judgemental yourself, OP.

Perhaps that's a knee-jerk reaction to the culture you're from, and perhaps your friends (being from that same culture?) are unhappy because they've felt pressured into making choices they might not have otherwise. I imagine a culture that wants a woman's entire identity to be consumed by mothering is very misogynistic in general, and not conducive to happiness, or to husbands who contribute equally.

But a lot of what you've said implies that women who have children are, by default, making unwise choices and doomed to a life of misery, which is obviously patently untrue.

I have children, and love my life - wouldn't change it for the world. Being a mum, and a whole person aside from that, is wonderful. But I also have many childfree friends and can see that for them, it's a fantastic choice that makes them very happy. There are pros and cons to both having children and being childfree - neither is objectively 'better' than the other.

So maybe you just have a very homogeneous friend group that you don't mesh well with, and it's making you feel bitter and defensive?

@ByAzureMoose more people should opt-out of parenting unless they really want them and want to cherish them and do their absolute best for them. There would be less rubbish parents in the world, and less neglected children in the world if they did the right thing and not just what society expects them to do.

Pretty much all your posts on this thread are condescending and prickly OP. Just make some non-mum friends if you find them so miserable.

You sound horrid in your OP and your subsequent posts cement that impression.

Don’t have kids if you don’t want to, it’s your loss.

The OP just sounds like someone who is happy with her life choices to me.

You need better friends. I have heaps of child free friends, couldn’t care less about their choices and it’s never discussed, definitely not a competition. But I’m guessing the cultural part is carrying a bit of weight here.