AIBU to feel judged by mum friends for being childfree?

[ByAzureMoose]

I am a childfree 36 yo (most of my friends and all of my sisters have children of varying ages) and I have always been 100% supportive of their decisions. I'm a dentist so I make decent money and spend a lot of it on my biological and 'surrogate' nieces and nephews, I also work part-time and spend a lot of time particularly with my sisters children because I love them like my own.
I've spent my entire childhood explaining to people that I don't want children and I'm not just going to magically change my mind when I get older. My main reasoning is that I value my space, money and time. I am very clued onto the state of the world in terms of climate change, wars, the overall degeneration of society and my nerves can't handle bringing a child into that. And lastly, I come from a culture where motherhood is everything - the second you pop a child out, you're a mum and only that. Dads can have hobbies and lives and passions and climb the career ladder and go on lads holidays etc but mums are just mums. The funny thing is if I could be a dad I might be, but I don't want to be a mum.
Anyways, onto my AIBU - frequent conversations have come up about my biological clock running out etc and I get a weird vibe that a lot of the women in my life resent me for not falling into the same pattern of misery as the rest of them. They're all great mums and love their children to death don't get me wrong, but they all dedicate 24/7 to their children and their useless husbands who work and think that's the extent of their family contribution, they all complain to me constantly about how tired they are, how poor they are, their kids won't leave them alone, some of them even regret it. But then in the same breath, they'll tell me how selfish I am for not wanting children? And there's always the 'who'll look after you when you're old?' My sister didn't talk to me for a week because I had the audacity to tell her that children aren't a retirement plan.
I just feel more and more that my mum friends all have a superiority complex over me because I chose to be childfree, despite the fact that I'm very happy in my life and it really doesn't sound like they are

Sorry OP - I’m from an Asian household and have many, many cousins who are childless by choice - no one judges them. And as for husbands who can go on lads holidays while mums are just mums? I go on holidays with my friends and leave the kids with said ‘useless’ husband once or twice a year. This is very much a you/your family thing - don’t bring the rest of us into this. Stop generalising stuff and just live your life - why the fuck do you care what others think anyway - you sound fulfilled in your own life unless that’s a lie?

get a weird vibe that a lot of the women in my life resent me for not falling into the same pattern of misery as the rest of them.

No. No-one outside your immediate family even gives a shiny shit whether or not you have kids! no-one. that’s the truth.
No-one with children resents you or is jealous etc. for reasons you will never be able to fully appreciate or understand. So get on with your life and they will theirs

You just need to ignore them. Some people are never happy unless you do exactly what they have done. Or they resent you having a better life than they do.

I was childless at 40. All my siblings had children and I came in for constant criticism. Biological clock, missing my chance, not marrying. Yet I was the one who paid off her mortgage at 43.

Then I had a child at 45 as a single mum. More criticism because I didn't marry the dad, I was too old, it was unfair on the child etc etc.
Now I've provided my child with a decent loving, secure childhood and good education, he's off to uni in a few weeks. We're both healthy, happy, no problems.
In my 60s I run 10ks & half marathons, and practice martial arts, I'm about to retire. That's still wrong. They say I'll be bored, I should carry on working, give up running, I'm too old. 😁

I can't win so I don't try.

You do you and be happy in your decisions. Ignore the family noise. You'll be far happier living the life you choose.

You need better friends. I have two grown kids and we are very close. If at some point I need care, I’m certain we would get together and brainstorm the best ways to make that happen. They are NOT my retirement plan. That would be an unfair expectation. But I also know they would help as and how they could while living their own lives. So, you’re right, OP. There is no guarantee any parent and their child will even be speaking to each other at a time that far in future. Your sister is unreasonable and unrealistic to put that burden on her children. But she will never believe that. You love your nieces and nephews and the other kids who are part of your chosen family. It’s incredibly rude for people to bang on about your biological clock or anything else related to childbearing. They need to back the fuck off. It’s none of their business. You are not sad, or selfish, or weird. I don’t know what your specific culture is, but I do know that in some cultures having children is a requirement for being a successful woman. But as a mum, I can tell you that it is simply ONE of my roles. I’m a teacher, a photographer, a writer, and several other things. Still, you’re mistaken if you think being a mum means being nothing else. Good luck standing up for yourself. If you need to, remind your critics that bringing an unwanted child into the world benefits neither the parents or the child.

Honestly OP, as a woman you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. If you have children, there are immense pressures from society to get your body back, still go to work, have more than however many children you have, become a perfect housewife, not let yourself go, be a brilliant mum etc.

If you don’t have children, society doesn’t understand you, wants you to justify yourself, wants you to get married and have children.

So just do you because you’re likely to get judged either way.

Before I had my daughter, all the questions were about when I was having one. Now I have her, everyone wants to know when I’m having another. I’ve got a chronic illness now and alongside “how are you?”, I get an enormous amount of, “Will you still be able to have more children?” As if that is the priority over my own health.

I will say though - mothers are not one homogenous group. Some people love it, others not so much. Some have great husbands, others have crap ones. Some are happy, some aren’t. Some might envy your lifestyle, some might not. And child free women will also not all feel the same way about being child free.

Yeah I get it, we have women in their 40’s and 50’s in our families who haven’t had kids and aren’t married. I think for years they must have been grilled by everyone, it’s not like it’s a gentle “have you met anyone, are you thinking about kids”.

Not like that at all, it’s invasive, judgemental, pressurising. I felt outright harassed about kids, it started straight after I got married as well. I got questioned on my fertility, on whether I was taking contraception, there were also slight tone of “our poor boy married a gold digger” just because I had not produced a child. None of this was directed at my husband, he didn’t even know about it (obviously would have shut it down immediately if he had heard it).

That weird vibe goes both ways OP. If you come across in real life like you do in your posts, people might feel defensive. But you just want to hear how right you are and how wrong your social circle is, so nothings going to change.

One thing I’ve realised as I’ve got older is that people aren’t thinking about me (or judging me) half as much as I think they are. People are just getting on with their lives.

There is a delicious irony in OP's post. Choosing a child free lifestyle because of 'The overall degeneration of society' which is due in part, to the falling birth rate.

Well played!!

I've often thought that raising a child alone is in a lot of ways more stable than doing it in a relationship. That romantic relationship that you just blindly hope won't fail , and is subject to the whims, wants and behaviour of a total other person you cannot control.

I don't want kids, for reasons similar to the OP. But if I did, I wouldn't bring another person into it !

It’s the same on all sides OP as women we are judged and judge each other relentlessly for our life choices. First it’s why haven’t you got a boyfriend, then when are you getting married, when are you having a baby, why aren’t you having a baby, when are you going back to work, why are you not at home with your baby, when are you having another, are you breastfeeding, what about your career….and on and on and on. No one asks these questions of men. You just can’t win so block out the noise and do what makes you happy.

You are a canine to their molars and pre-molars. You're not suited for what they do, and they're not suited for your approach. Carry on doing life how you do it 😃 🦷

I have no idea how you got that from the thoughtful OP. If you don’t have anything useful or nice to say, maybe just leave it.

And what useful contribution did you make other than policing other peoples opinions, which op posted to get?

This - Basically what I wanted to say but better articulated! 👏

OP the problem isn't the choice of whether to become a parent. It's that you need a different circle of people around you.

The fact that you think you'd like to be a dad but not a mum is very telling of the people you are surrounding yourself with. I am a mum but also a person with interests and a whole identity separate to my son.

You need some new friends.

I was with you until the “pattern of misery” comment, then I realised the superiority complex is running both ways and you’re all as bad as each other.

I have one DD and she’s the best thing I’ve ever done. She brings me more joy and contentment than anything I’ve ever done, and I had a good two decades of doing exactly what I wanted. It’s hard sometimes but I don’t recognise the “misery” comment, and resent the idea that if you have kids you’re some kind of slave to convention, living a drudgery filled half-life.

I have childfree friends and friends with kids, and there’s no judgment either way. You need better friends.

Ending this message with 'your loss' right after insinuating that I'm the problem is crazy. I don't feel like I'm losing anything by not having kids actually but you mums seem to think otherwise

I'm sorry if you thought I was personally calling out you're perfect family but I clearly wasn't, just mentioning the standard that I've seen in my life

Maybe some of your friends are judging you. Maybe you are horrified at some of their choices. You all have some good things in your lives and some less good. That's life.

The women in your life don't sound like true friends if you feel so judged. Maybe it's time to find some new friends you have more in common with. Friendships change over time, that's normal.
FWIW I have one child and most of my friendship circle don't have children. We're all 40+.

I think you just need a new friendship group.
You're being judged for not having children.
You're judging your friends for having children.
This isn't what true friendships are like.

Families are different, all the shit I got was from DH side of the family, my side is a lot better but some of the oldies definitely would have had something to say about being unwed and childless to my aunties. Anyone who’s 60 and below tends to not question it on my side. DH side have clamed down a bit once it dawned on them they have kids who won’t be producing kids either. Tbf even my grandmother didn’t care if I got married or not (she had a pretty dim view of men and thought financial independence was important for women so they don’t get messed around). The women in our family also generally have equitable relationships where everyone pitches in and definitely go on holidays with their friends and have their own lives. But I also recognise thats not always the norm for everyone unfortunately.

Some communities are more conservative than others and some families are as well. I think OP’s background is whats driving this. Also religion can play a heavy part, not just culture.

You absolutely have to right to build the kind of life that pleases you, every girl and woman should have that right. I love my DC very much and I want her to have all the choices I had, her life is her own to shape. You may not be able to shift their thinking very much but perhaps you can ask them why they think it’s so important? They would probably struggle to articulate it properly.

It’s been an uphill battle for all women all over the world to have the right to the same choices and freedom that men automatically get, it’s still difficult for women in the UK from some communities to really get an authentic choice, many get conditioned into believing that being a moral person requires you to value things like motherhood and self sacrifice to mens needs above everything else. This is not their fault, they probably don’t even realise what they have participated in yet they know deep down that they didn’t necessarily make their choices whole heartedly and with full consent. Thats why many may very well appear miserable because they are. I would say smile and say “I’m happy as I am thank you” and keep being the aunty who did stuff her own way as an example to your nieces of what an authentically free life looks like.

Let them judge, it doesn’t matter, you are happy with the choices you made, you don’t need to judge back, you can just be secure in knowing that you are fine with yourself. Don’t get caught in a cycle of thinking “you judge me so I will sit in judgement of you”. It doesn’t help you, let it go and frame it as cultural conditioning (which it usually is). You are no less or more a woman for having children, you aren’t a better or worse person for it either.

“You mums”

The way you write shows exactly what you think of women with children. You see them as mothers and nothing more. Your language (“life of misery”) says everything of your opinion of other women.

You’re so concerned by what other women think of you while you merrily broadcast your bile about them. You don’t sound very secure in your life choices.

It’s a shame for you that your cultural background has led you to be this way, but railing against it by being so scornful of other women and eschewing the idea of having children completely does not make you the better person you think it does. By definition only parents know what you are missing out on.

You would benefit from therapy to work through your self esteem issues caused by your upbringing.

It's entirely your business if you don't want children- why are you even interested what your mother's friends think? Do not explain yourself- you don't owe anyone an explanation.
When I meet someone and children come up as a subject i say i don't have any, but i don't specify why- no one will ask you in case you tried for years or had birth complications etc.

People sometimes need a moan. Young children are very tiring. The fact that you spin that to justify your life choices, makes you sound very smug. You don't come across as very nice.