To persevere with this relationship?

[BeMoreSoThen]

I have posted about this before under a different name but it is my birthday next month and I suppose it is making me reflect on what I want in life.

In my early 20s I had a very good male friend with whom I had no romantic relationship at all. By my mid 20s, that had changed and after night outs we would often end up going home together, but it was all very casual and we were both single. We both would see other people too.

In our late 20s we had a pregnancy scared and got much closer. He then text me one day to say he was going on a date with someone else and I ended it. I knew I liked him, and he knew it too, and I was not interested in sharing him with anyone. We didn’t speak for a while after this.

During this time, I met someone who I thought I would end up marrying. I thought he was perfect. And then he cheated on me and finished it to be with his affair partner. Upset and drunk, I got in touch again with the first man.

We gradually started seeing each other again but it was never serious. I again met someone else, and told him about it. I gave him every opportunity to say he’d prefer we were together and I didn’t see this other man, but he was clearly not bothered so I ended things and gave it a whirl with the other man.

That lasted just a few months and I felt suffocated and unhappy. I hated how often he wanted to see me and stay at mine, and the expectations placed on me, and ended it. I went back to the first man again.

This was five years ago. We agreed a long time ago that we are monogamous. We speak all day every day, and holiday together a couple of times a year. But we only see each other every couple of weeks, despite living five minutes away from each other.

I sometimes wonder if I’m ‘settling’, and whether I want a proper relationship with the aim to be living together and marriage. But then I think about the previous relationship where I felt suffocated because he wanted exactly that and I hated it. I hated him wanting to stay over on week nights or wanting to go for dinner or to see his family.

I’m not getting any younger and I wonder whether I should be brave, call it off and look for someone with a more traditional view of a relationship. Or it it okay to stick with what I’ve got despite being relentlessly told by friends that it’s not a ‘real’ relationship.

I got lost halfway down that lot.

I’m guessing you’re of a younger generation?

Do what makes you happy, not what your friends say or what you think the 'rules' are.

Apologies for the length! Didn’t realise it was so long.

In your shoes, I'd just make sure to keep an open mind & not get complacent. Chances are, he'll meet 'the one' one day or you will. If you only see him every couple of weeks you've plenty of space for other possibilities to arise.

This is almost exactly what my friends tell me - he’ll leave for ‘the one’.

I have spoken to him about it many times, and he advised me to ignore my friends and that that is not going to happen.

Depends which generation you mean. Younger generation than the Victorians. Thanks for letting me know you didn’t understand my post though. It’s very helpful.

You are wasting your life on this man.

I think this is what I’m finding tough. Not knowing whether I’d be happier with someone else, married and living together, or actually whether I’m the happiest I can be, relationship wise, now.

He says this is forever?

Do you mind if I ask why you think that?

I wouldn't view this as a relationship more of a FWB situation. If thats enough for you OP and you want to remain as someone he wants a sex with but not a relationship or commitment with then carry on it's your life but if you want more and want a relationship then drop him and find someone who wants to be with you.

Do you trust him enough to believe he is monogamous?

Picture your future. What do YOU want?

He’s said basically what I said - that when I say my friends suggest he’ll meet someone he wants to be with ‘properly’ he says it’s rubbish, ignore them, he is very happy, doesn’t want anyone else etc.

I would say you deserve better and you would commit to him but he wont to you. No, don't settle.

Marriage doesn't have to mean living together. I don't think an unconventional relationship is crazy, but it's slightly odd (to me) that you only see each other every couple of weeks when you live so close. Do you never want to do things like casually spending time with each other for things like movie nights in, or cooking together of a week night or just generally wanting to spend more time together?

Only you know what your relationship is like, but the fact that you are questioning what you want and whether this is really the happiest you could be says that something is missing for you.

Sorry to say it, but I'd also assume he is going to leave you when he finds someone else - to quote a male friend of mine, you sound like his 'post-it note girl' - you're easy, you're there, you're convenient, you fulfill a need. But you're still a post-it - disposable. But again, only you know what your relationship looks like from the inside.

I 100% trust that he is monogamous.

Some days I think I would love to live with him, get married, and that’s what I want. The reality may be that I’m so used to my space and doing what I like when I like that I’m not entirely sure I’m not looking at living together with rose tinted glasses.

I’m coming up to 40 now and have started wondering whether I really need to make a decision about whether I’m content with what I’ve got, or want to try and find someone else who can offer more commitment.

Of course, anyone else wouldn’t be him.

I don’t know what I want!

I have had plenty of FWB. This is not FWB.

But actually, I do wonder if this is what makes me question it. That other people don’t think it’s a real relationship so I feel judged, and friends relentlessly offer their unsolicited opinions.

If he only lives 5 minutes away why can't he see you more than once every few weeks? Surely he could see you daily if he's 5 mins away if that's what you both wanted?
Do you meet up at your house, his house or both? I'd be suspicious he was living with someone else or at the very least dating someone else to go weeks without seeing you

But you can't be content otherwise you wouldn't be second guessing yourself.

If you were content with the status quo, you wouldn't be allowing your friends opinion to sway your judgement

OP, what do you want in life?
Do you want marriage and kids with a life partner? If so, this relationship won’t give you that. It seems to be more of a relationship of convenience?

Are you scared of being alone? This man seems to be a fall back rather than someone you have deep feelings for.

Why do you only meet up every couple of weeks? Is that what he wants or both of you? Was that the situation with the girl he saw & other women or is it only you where the relationship has this pattern?

I just wouldn’t want to go around to watch a film and come home. I can’t see the point. My ex wanted to do this, and wanted to stay over on week nights too, and I absolutely hated it. I’d rather wait until the weekend when we can see each other properly and stay over. But obviously we also have friends we want to see at weekends which is why it’s every couple of weeks.

The post it thing is from Sex and the City and if I was seeing Jack Berger I’d be pleased to have escaped with a post it note. I’ve said to another poster though that I do think this might be why I’m doubting it - that everyone else seems to think he can’t possibly be doing anything other than using me for the time being.

We could if it was what we wanted, but it isn’t what we want. I like the idea of living together, in a way, because then you can do your own thing in each other’s company, but I don’t want to see him every day if we’re not doing that.

I go to his and he comes to mine. He’s 100% not with anyone else. We have known each other for 20 years and have many mutual friends.

I don’t want children.

I am almost 40 and with a couple of exceptions for brief periods of months I was single from when I was 21 until I agreed to be monogamous with this man a few years ago, and I have lived alone during that whole time too. So no, definitely not afraid of being alone.

He only went one one date with that woman. He hasn’t had another girlfriend since he was in his early 20s.

I don’t want to see him on weeknights, and like to see my friends on weekends too, which is why it’s every couple of weeks. I like the idea of living together because then you can do your own thing in each other’s company, but he has no desire to live together.