To persevere with this relationship?

[BeMoreSoThen]

I have posted about this before under a different name but it is my birthday next month and I suppose it is making me reflect on what I want in life.

In my early 20s I had a very good male friend with whom I had no romantic relationship at all. By my mid 20s, that had changed and after night outs we would often end up going home together, but it was all very casual and we were both single. We both would see other people too.

In our late 20s we had a pregnancy scared and got much closer. He then text me one day to say he was going on a date with someone else and I ended it. I knew I liked him, and he knew it too, and I was not interested in sharing him with anyone. We didn’t speak for a while after this.

During this time, I met someone who I thought I would end up marrying. I thought he was perfect. And then he cheated on me and finished it to be with his affair partner. Upset and drunk, I got in touch again with the first man.

We gradually started seeing each other again but it was never serious. I again met someone else, and told him about it. I gave him every opportunity to say he’d prefer we were together and I didn’t see this other man, but he was clearly not bothered so I ended things and gave it a whirl with the other man.

That lasted just a few months and I felt suffocated and unhappy. I hated how often he wanted to see me and stay at mine, and the expectations placed on me, and ended it. I went back to the first man again.

This was five years ago. We agreed a long time ago that we are monogamous. We speak all day every day, and holiday together a couple of times a year. But we only see each other every couple of weeks, despite living five minutes away from each other.

I sometimes wonder if I’m ‘settling’, and whether I want a proper relationship with the aim to be living together and marriage. But then I think about the previous relationship where I felt suffocated because he wanted exactly that and I hated it. I hated him wanting to stay over on week nights or wanting to go for dinner or to see his family.

I’m not getting any younger and I wonder whether I should be brave, call it off and look for someone with a more traditional view of a relationship. Or it it okay to stick with what I’ve got despite being relentlessly told by friends that it’s not a ‘real’ relationship.

I’ve known three couples who were in similar relationships to yours and all said this was what they wanted and nothing more, at the time.
They all split, they all went on to find life partners, moved in, marriage, kids, dogs, commitment, the works.
They look back now and realise their lack of enthusiasm was because it wasn’t the right person. Once they met the right person their attitudes totally changed.
Not saying this is always the case, but worth considering.

I am enthusiastic though. I would happily move in with and marry him. It’s whether I would prefer marriage and living together with someone else over wanting to be with specifically him.

It isn't too long and it all makes perfect sense. Some people are just....

Have you spoken to him about this? I'd start there. If he has no desire to change things then at least you'd know it's not even an option. He might be thinking similarly and like you be unsure...at least you could move things forward together and at your own pace.

And try not to worry about other people's opinions, it's your life.

Do what you want to do instead of worrying about going down the expected route of buying a house together, marriage, children. If that is what you genuinely want for yourself, not for others, talk to him about it and if he doesn't want the same you should end the relationship. If you don't want them things and you're both happy with that, carry on with the relationship.

You're fuck buddy friends, which there's nothing wrong with if that's what you both want.

But it sounds as though you want more, so I'd end it and stop going back to him.

You are wasting your young years on this guy for sure. He’s not going to change. Take it from a woman in her 30s, the nonchalant guy doesn’t suddenly change into the man who’s suddenly into you. Guys like these do literally fuck about and then they have their taxi light on and the women at the right time more then the right women, is who they end up with.

If you just want casual great, but if you want more it doesn’t sound like this guys hearts in it. I ended up being in a relationship with this kinda man and he proposed we had children and it was like he never really had his heart in it and just went through the motions. I look back wishing I didn’t waste my time and love on the nonchalants and avoidants 🤣

We are not fuck buddy friends, but it’s this attitude of a relationship not being good enough unless it fits a narrow criteria that gives me doubt about whether I should be finding someone else to live with and marry, despite not being able to imagine loving or liking someone else as much.

But this thread has been good for making me see that.

I am almost 40…

See that's an oxymoron right there.

You mention 'loving' him and in the same breath you mention finding someone else.

The whole relationship does scream fuck buddy.

Why did you namechange @BeMoreSoThen ?

I suspect as you didn't like what was said on the other thread.

If you are the poster I'm thinking of you were given a lot of good advice previously, which you have obviously decided not to take.

You are in denial.

"You would happily move in with and marry him".

Why haven't you then?

It's not really an option is it?

He doesn't love you does he?

You are the placeholder and he'll be gone if someone better comes along.

You know this if you're honest.

I'm not saying this to upset you but to see the situation for what it is.

There are many reasons as to why people do not stay in relationships with people they love. You are obviously very keen to classify my relationship as fuck buddies, despite it being faithful, happy and easy. Presumably this is to differentiate it from the ‘real’ relationships where the couple lives together, whether or not there is cheating, unhappiness and strife.

But you have helped me to cement in my mind that it is the pressure of confirming to this narrow view of relationships which is causing me to question what I am doing, so that has been very helpful.

It’s not that deep. I last posted about him during the pregnancy, which was a long time ago and I wouldn’t have a clue what the username was. And even if I did, I wouldn’t want the threads tied together.

What is this ‘good advice’ you believe that I have had?

Erm, I think you may be confused.

I haven’t because he doesn’t want to. He wants to stay as we are. I am wondering whether it’s enough to stay with him, or whether to risk the happiness I have with him to try and find someone who wants to move in together and get married. It is literally the point of the thread.

This ‘placeholder’ comment is very common and I often bring it up with him, due to it being what my friends also enjoy saying. I do not believe he will leave me for someone else. He might, but so might any man. And if he did, que sera sera.

My issue really is whether I should find someone else who is willing to make a bigger commitment.

Why not be completely single for a while, OP - no FWB either? You don’t seem to be sure what you want and being with yourself for a while might help you get that clarity 💖

Great point!

oh damn well good luck with that.

I’m sure this doesn’t meant to sound as patronising as it reads, but, as I’ve already said on this thread, I was single for 15 years before we decided we’d be monogamous. I don’t need to experience being single for a while, it has been most of my adult life, and it has never been an issue.

Patronising? I wish you the future you deserve OP 🤣

Yes, it was patronising. That has clearly upset you but I think you’re having a strong reaction wishing bad things on me for the future 🙄.

I'm not confused at all.

My point is all that you want he'll never give you.

It's a "relationship" on his terms and not of equals.

Is he in love with you or is it as one sided as it seems from your posts?

I can't get my head around you only wanting to see him every few weeks but at the same time wanting to marry and live with him. Do you understand it yourself?

'Sunken cost fallacy' springs to mind. You've wasted a lot of good years on this man, why not waste a few more, eh? And hope for the best.

What’s the plan? Do you want children? If so either it’s time to move in with him or call it a day and find someone new.
Don’t give up your chance of family life for someone who only wants to see you once every couple of weeks. If this was really it for both of you, you’d naturally see a lot more of each other than that.
Of course he says don’t listen to your friends. He would say that, wouldn’t he?
Just tell him straight - I want us to live together and could imagine having children. Are you up for that? See what his reaction is. Your wants are not unreasonable. Be prepared to walk away and find another relationship though..,

My issue really is whether I should find someone else who is willing to make a bigger commitment.

Surely you can be open to meeting new people without actively 'looking'? I wouldn't get swayed by the fact you felt claustrophobic in a previous relationship - that was surely about the person, not a trait in yourself. In my experience, being with someone you're compatible with is like being on your own, but better.