To persevere with this relationship?

[BeMoreSoThen]

I have posted about this before under a different name but it is my birthday next month and I suppose it is making me reflect on what I want in life.

In my early 20s I had a very good male friend with whom I had no romantic relationship at all. By my mid 20s, that had changed and after night outs we would often end up going home together, but it was all very casual and we were both single. We both would see other people too.

In our late 20s we had a pregnancy scared and got much closer. He then text me one day to say he was going on a date with someone else and I ended it. I knew I liked him, and he knew it too, and I was not interested in sharing him with anyone. We didn’t speak for a while after this.

During this time, I met someone who I thought I would end up marrying. I thought he was perfect. And then he cheated on me and finished it to be with his affair partner. Upset and drunk, I got in touch again with the first man.

We gradually started seeing each other again but it was never serious. I again met someone else, and told him about it. I gave him every opportunity to say he’d prefer we were together and I didn’t see this other man, but he was clearly not bothered so I ended things and gave it a whirl with the other man.

That lasted just a few months and I felt suffocated and unhappy. I hated how often he wanted to see me and stay at mine, and the expectations placed on me, and ended it. I went back to the first man again.

This was five years ago. We agreed a long time ago that we are monogamous. We speak all day every day, and holiday together a couple of times a year. But we only see each other every couple of weeks, despite living five minutes away from each other.

I sometimes wonder if I’m ‘settling’, and whether I want a proper relationship with the aim to be living together and marriage. But then I think about the previous relationship where I felt suffocated because he wanted exactly that and I hated it. I hated him wanting to stay over on week nights or wanting to go for dinner or to see his family.

I’m not getting any younger and I wonder whether I should be brave, call it off and look for someone with a more traditional view of a relationship. Or it it okay to stick with what I’ve got despite being relentlessly told by friends that it’s not a ‘real’ relationship.

Are you saying you want more commitment from him or someone new?

Echoing PP I don’t think you’d be posting if you were 100% happy.

Honest opinion on your guy as well, I have to agree with the “men are simple creatures” post. In my experience men who are genuinely really into you want to be around you a lot. I had a family member who dated a lovely woman for YEARS and YEARS we all knew the twat was waiting for someone better, he did end up marrying her in the end but honestly she could have done better.

The thing is your relationship is my ideal relationship, I’m married with DC but if my marriage ever failed I would want a relationship like this precisely because it would be easy to back away from and wouldn’t take up much of my time but I would still have access to intimacy.

The reality is he’s been fine with walking away or you walking away several times. This doesn’t mean there isn’t genuine affection here but people who are genuinely in love freak out when they think they are losing their beloved. You were a good second option for a long time and of he meets someone else he will just leave.

But you sound confused about you want, you said you felt suffocated by an ex but that you would love to marry this guy. You didn’t love your ex thats why. I think it’s the dopamine of sporadic contact thats kept you hooked. If you saw him everyday it would wear off. This is a bit like having an affair, theres anticipation and excitement but no real commitment. Thats fine if thats what you want, as I said it would be the relationship format I would favour but thats after already having been married etc. You seem to want more than he’s willing to give.

Sounds like he ticks all your boxes. Never mind what others say. You are having it all. You time through the week, fun with your friends at weekends and intimacy when you want it. Sounds perfect to me 👌

But you don’t want a ‘traditional relationship’. A traditional relationship is where ppl DO want to stay over and see each other and visit family together. Do you want to do this with FWB guy?

You really don't know what you want at the moment so go with what you feel is right for you now. Carry on seeing your 'friend' & see where it goes or how you feel about him. If you meet someone else give it a go & see how you feel after a few months. It could be that you enjoy the freedom of the relationship you have with guy 1 & don't want to settle down just yet. That may change as you mature so just go with the flow now & see where it takes you but don't hold back dating other men as well, it could be you find 'Mr right' & decide you do want to settle down.

Are you unable to read?

Can I ask what’s stopping you from moving in together and getting married?

You mention the ex who made you feel suffocated, but you’ve also talked about the ex you once thought was perfect and could see yourself marrying. Did you ever live together? Was that relationship more conventional, for want of a better phrase?

You obviously care a great deal about your current partner, but you have doubts. Reading your posts, I wondered whether part of the reason you’re staying is that you’d rather be with him than without him, even though it doesn’t quite sound like the future you once imagined for yourself.

I may be completely wrong, but I also wondered whether your experience with the suffocating ex has shifted the benchmark a bit. He clearly wasn’t the right person for you, but I hope that experience hasn’t made you feel you have to choose between being smothered in a relationship and settling for one that doesn’t fulfil your deeper hopes.

You once had a very clear dream of getting married and building a life with someone you felt was your person. If that’s still what you truly want, I hope you don’t lose sight of it or convince yourself that you have to settle for less.

He doesn’t want to.

I wasn’t together with the man I thought I’d end up marrying for very long. It was a bit of a whirlwind romance.

I think that’s the crux of the issue here OP. It’s not ‘we’ don’t want to, it’s ‘he’ doesn’t want to. This is probably what your friends know is the truth deep down and why they’re concerned.

So do your friends see this more clearly than you?

I know it is, that’s why I’m posting and asking whether to stay with him, or go and find someone else who may want those things, but who wouldn’t be him.

My mum has a friend who met her now husband at 40. They are now in their 70s and have never lived together. They keep their own homes, spend most weekends at one of the houses and go out on a date night in the week. They go on holiday together and separately. She has a static caravan and often goes there for a week. He sometimes joins her.
The fact is it works for them and they are happy with the situation.

I know you've said you've both decided to be monogamous, but just giving a bit of an angle from someone who's polyamorous. Solo poly is where you're involved with people, but none are your primary partner, so you don't live with them. One of my partners is this - he doesn't want to live with someone full-time, I stay there a couple of days a week and we do a lot of things together (still talk every day too) but he doesn't want to fully give up his space. It works well for him, though he doesn't want kids which is usually a big consideration behind this.
I do live with one of my partners though, my nesting partner, though if I'd known about polyamory 30 years ago I would have probably been soly poly too.
That's the kind of lifestyle that I'm familiar with, but I have lots of monogamous friends and relatives who do things in a "different" way, such as keeping separate houses while being married. Ultimately if you're both happy with your arrangement, I would keep doing it, but it depends if one of you would like to change something I guess. It took me a long time to settle down and move in with my NP (even though I was monogamous back then) as I didn't want to give my life over completely to someone else, but we've always kept a bit of independence in our lives.

Well, it is a real relationship, but it’s not going anywhere.
You need to scrutinise what you want. If you’re happy like this, crack on!
If you want kids, someone to lean on when you’re ill, or unhappy at work, or have hit a financial bump in the road, or support when your parents get older and need your help… You are unlikely to get that here, because you barely see each other.

Where do you want your life to be in 5, 10, 15 years’ time?

I don’t kids. I’ve had job losses, death of a parent, illness and abortion with him, so these things aren’t future unknowns.

I don’t really spend much time thinking about what I’d like life to be like in years to come. I can’t really see the point - the future is always uncertain.

It sounds like that's the type of relationship that works for you. You felt suffocated by someone that wanted more. That's fine. And it's good you've found someone who wants the same. My dad has been with someone 10 years and they see eachother every other weekend. That's who they are.

It’s even more uncertain if you don’t plan for it.

I understand some people are happy just to let life ‘happen’ to them. Maybe that’s you, and if so, there’s no problem!
But you need to realise that that is a choice you are making. You COULD make other choices. Not making a decision about what you want, and then working towards that, is a choice in itself.

@op there are more than 2 men in the world. Stop ping ponging between these losers

Eh? Your post makes absolutely no sense at all. You might need to read a bit more carefully or a bit slower?

Yes, I could end things with him and start dating other people with a view to meeting someone who wanted to live together and get married. It’s whether I’d be happier doing that or regretful that I threw away my current happiness with this man.

I don't see why you need to live with someone. You don't seem to need the company, or to sleep with someone, every night. You have your own place and can do what you want with your money and he with his. A lot of women end up as housekeepers, carers and a lack of sleep because of snoring. I think you need to ask your friends what their issue is. If you were wasting your fertility, it would be a different matter. I think that you are looking at living together through rose tinted glasses. There's compromises, when you share your space. No relationship is guaranteed, many women see the light, in their late 40s, many men jump ship. I met my DP 52, I see people getting together at our age and older. There's a sense of desperation/projection by your friends. I think that they could be voicing their own fears.

Do you refer to him as your partner? Does he refer to you as such? See each others’ families? Does he look after you when you are sick? Help you with DIY? Is either or both of you neuro-divergent?
is it more important for you to see him, or to see your friends? Do you make plans for the future? Celebrate your anniversary?

If you are monogamous, have you talked to him about what HE wants? How HE sees the future?

We do. We don’t see each other’s families, but they have met and obviously know about us.

I have never needed to be looked after, and nor has he. I also wouldn’t need his help with DIY.

I think the question about whether it is more important to see him or my friends is strange. It is important that I see both of them. It is not a competition.

We make plans for the future as in plan future holidays. I’m not sure what other plans we would make. We don’t have an anniversary.

Neither of us are neurodivergent.

He wants what we have now.