To persevere with this relationship?

[BeMoreSoThen]

I have posted about this before under a different name but it is my birthday next month and I suppose it is making me reflect on what I want in life.

In my early 20s I had a very good male friend with whom I had no romantic relationship at all. By my mid 20s, that had changed and after night outs we would often end up going home together, but it was all very casual and we were both single. We both would see other people too.

In our late 20s we had a pregnancy scared and got much closer. He then text me one day to say he was going on a date with someone else and I ended it. I knew I liked him, and he knew it too, and I was not interested in sharing him with anyone. We didn’t speak for a while after this.

During this time, I met someone who I thought I would end up marrying. I thought he was perfect. And then he cheated on me and finished it to be with his affair partner. Upset and drunk, I got in touch again with the first man.

We gradually started seeing each other again but it was never serious. I again met someone else, and told him about it. I gave him every opportunity to say he’d prefer we were together and I didn’t see this other man, but he was clearly not bothered so I ended things and gave it a whirl with the other man.

That lasted just a few months and I felt suffocated and unhappy. I hated how often he wanted to see me and stay at mine, and the expectations placed on me, and ended it. I went back to the first man again.

This was five years ago. We agreed a long time ago that we are monogamous. We speak all day every day, and holiday together a couple of times a year. But we only see each other every couple of weeks, despite living five minutes away from each other.

I sometimes wonder if I’m ‘settling’, and whether I want a proper relationship with the aim to be living together and marriage. But then I think about the previous relationship where I felt suffocated because he wanted exactly that and I hated it. I hated him wanting to stay over on week nights or wanting to go for dinner or to see his family.

I’m not getting any younger and I wonder whether I should be brave, call it off and look for someone with a more traditional view of a relationship. Or it it okay to stick with what I’ve got despite being relentlessly told by friends that it’s not a ‘real’ relationship.

Nah it sounds more like a familiar habit than the love of your life life
if it was meant to be be more it would of been by now

It sounds as if a casual relationship is what suits you both. It’s your life to live, not your friends.

@BeMoreSoThen It sounds like those relationships that I've read about where the couple live next door to each other but have their own separate lives. They are both content with the time they spend together and value their own space to do with as they wish. I think as long as both parties are happy with how things are then what does it matter what other people think. Maybe have check ins every so often to make sure you are both are still on the same page.

Worry about your happiness in this moment. If you’re happy, don’t ask yourself “should I be happy?” Especially if you’re asking yourself because other people are telling you you shouldn’t be. A relationship can always end, there are never absolute guarantees. If the arrangement you have makes you happy then let yourself be happy.

I think if it works for you both then it works for you. Why do you have to do what everyone else does? I think it would be cheaper to pool resources and you’d free up some money but I don’t think you should have to change the arrangement because it wouldn’t work for other people. In future you can always make changes - nothing is set in stone.

My question to you is whether he would be there in a crisis. Would he come to you now if you were ill or suffered a bereavement? Would he go to a funeral with you? If your car broke down and you were two hours away would he come and get you? Does he meet your parents and family? Those are the interesting questions to me because they show the strength of the relationship… not the numbers of nights you spend together.

OP, if you have no wish to have children then being together but apart sounds great.
You both have your own home but see each other.
If you feel he is genuine and what you want, then the status quo is working for you and fine.
Living together can kill a relationship.
It's not for everyone, especially if you love your own space.

I would be content with this kind of relationship in the future if my marriage didn’t work out (I’m 40). But I’ve had my kids and wouldn’t feel the need to live with a man again. However this wouldn’t be enough for me if I hadn’t already done the traditional relationship.

Why doesn’t he want to live together?

I don't understand why it has to be all (living together) or almost nothing (seeing each other once every few weeks)? There's so much healthy middle ground in between.

If you were genuinely keen on each other, why wouldn't you want to see each other once a week for example? If that would suffocate either of you it's suggestive of deeper attachment or commitment issues.

And look how well that turned out for Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter.

13 years is longer than many other marriages. And they're still close.

It’s a real relationship, but you need to recognise it for what it is. It’s a long term, casual relationship. And that’s fine, just stop trying to label it something that it’s not!

Are either of you neurodivergent? Are you both introverts?

I think, if you're both happy, ignore other people.

You're monogamous, see each other regularly and talk all the time. How is that not a 'proper' relationship?

You don't have to live together and you don't have to get married. If you don't want those things, you don't have to have them. Your friends are twats if they're trying to tell you you're wrong for doing things the way you want to do them.

It really feels like you need to shut your friends down somehow from this constant goading. Even if they're right, it's unhelpful and seems to be making it hard to disentangle what you feel from what you think you should feel. It sounds like you have a level of contentedness in your relationship that many don't get in their 'real' relationships/marriages. And yes, there are also people out there who are happier too, but that doesn't mean it's a given that you can be. Can you just refuse to engage with the constant questions and say your relationship status isn't up for debate? Sometimes you just have to do this when people want to harp on about a particular topic, or even end up dropping them if they won't.

I think it would be different if you wanted children, that would be a very strong imperative to change, but as you don't it removes one of the big drivers for a conventional relationship.

I do think you have a curious and possibly romanticised vision of what living together would be like. It's not obvious if the problem in the past was too much time with the wrong person or that you're just not suited to cohabiting (lots of people aren't). I know you've said he doesn't want to live together, but would he be amenable to testing this by one of you moving in with the other for a couple of months or so to see how it goes? If it's awful, you'll still have your separate places to go back to and maybe this doubt of yours would be silenced, or maybe you really would think you wanted something different.

So he can’t find the one at the same time as this casual thing with you yet you can? Evidenced by the fact that you’re the one who keeps meeting people but going back to him? It cant be a one way street

Sounds to me like a healthy, loving relationship. You don't sound like you would enjoy living with someone tbh. You could trial living with each other and see how it goes. It's not a conventional relationship, sure. I would shut down the unsolicited comments

I don't believe from what you've said that you're a post-it in his life. A few men I know would enjoy this kind of relationship, and I would too

I have several single friends that are now doing it in their very late 50's and early 60's.

No children and have lovely homes that they simply have no interest or intention of giving up, as they have such busy independent lives and it works.

They are now in long term committed relationships but are not living together and will not move.

Two are with men with adult children that do not live with them, and they get on very well as Dad's girlfriend.
They get invited to family things regularly, but don't accept everything as they are simply too busy.
Both suspect their boundaries on this have significantly helped them to have such a warm friendship with the children.

One other friend is with a widowed man without children, whom also loves his home and space, and they enjoy all the bits without the tedium.
She is an amazing cook and he is a natural DIYer and her house and garden are now incredible, whilst she would rather cook a fabulous meal than do these things.
They are all very independent people but very much together.

Not every devoted relationship follows a traditional path.

It sounds an ideal relationship to me, but I’m in my mid 60s. I don’t have the bonding hormones that I had when I was younger, and this would now suit me fine. I have dated recently but now find men to be too needy and wanting to spend more time with me……. Er, no thank you!

Have a look at some of the resources for polyamorous people - relationships that don't look like 'standard' relationships are really common within that community. "Relationship escalator" is a good term to look up.

Am not suggesting you stop being monogamous - that's working for the two of you, but somewhere to look for books / articles etc for people doing relationships differently.

You might try setting some boundaries with your friends: this is your relationship, it isn't abusive and you don't want to hear any more judgemental comments about how you and your partner choose to structure your lives. Sometimes long running relationships do end, but at this point the longevity of your relationship is something you can point to - "yes, this has been working for us for a very long time".

If you're both happy with the set up, equally in love, and have no need or want to change things, then what other people say to you about your relationship will be water off a duck's back. But it's not, because you would like to live with him and for things to be different, but he doesn't want to.

And that is why you're wondering if you should stick with this, or find someone else. If you truly loved him and the set up was what you wanted, this wouldn't be crossing your mind.

I’ve been here. You are in love with him but he’s not in love with you. He might care for you very much but he’s not in love with you. I’m sorry. Don’t let him break your heart. Stop the madness. And stop going back to him. Like I did - it just prolongs the inevitable xx

If you are both happy with the arrangement, which you seem to be, I would start giving fairly sharp responses to anyone belittling it. Just because it is not traditional doesn't give other people the right to criticise it/you. After all, you don't want what they have but you don't go round telling them they are boring/staid/just hanging in there until their spouse has an affair or any other negative take on conventional relationships that could feasibly be made.

@BeMoreSoThen FWIW, my husband and I were both happy living alone before we moved in together, and we both agree that we could quite happily live separately again while remaining in love and happily married. (Because we may want to live in different places from time to time.)

so my answer would be that if you and he feel the same about each other, there’s no problem. And that’s something only you can answer.

Incidentally, we got married because of a medical crisis which made us think of the administration issues if we weren’t married and didn’t both have wills. Neither of us had thought of getting married until then. But we’re both equally committed to each other.

You do you, your relationship only has to satisfy you and your partner, nobody else. I wish you peace and happiness.

Id move in with each other and see how it goes.

Wow you sound needy and hard work can't you be on your own ? why the need for a man at every given opportunity bouncing between the same ones and different ones not a good look