DP sexual punishment or am I boring?

[diabolicalbanana]

Long term DP relationship is good and we’re planning to buy a house together soon. He’s been away dog sitting for the last 2 weeks which has made me feel a bit distant from him and I’m not the best with messaging. But basically he came over yesterday after seeing me on Friday.

I was naked in a towel when he came as I was out the shower and he was on the bed wanting a cuddle which I wasn’t keen for (wanted to get dressed) he playfully pulled me onto him which was fine and we were laughing he was touching me but then my towel was slipping too much and he was getting a good look at my body but I felt self conscious so started to struggle he then grabbed under my legs so I panicked and twisted but the way he held me meant I had to twist so my bottom half went straight to his face!!! You can imagine my panic as was stark naked and I saw him get a good look.

I felt really embarrassed and upset especially because about a week or 2 ago a similar thing happened where I’d been without underwear under my dress (hot day) and all fine playing joking but then he ended up tipping me onto a chair and lifting my legs up so again when I panicked and tried to get free I twisted off the chair and ended up him holding me legs akimbo naked!! I had told
him I’m not ok with this.

so I said to him quite clearly do not do that again if you do then we’re done which I was a bit rash saying but I was upset and felt humiliated to be honest. I said I’m not cuddling you for the rest of the day (half joking but I didn’t want him to touch me) Well he then went into a bit of a strop with me and said I’d annoyed him. We had a nice day but he refused to cuddle or kiss me - he said as punishment for what I’d said, which I did want as I’ve hardly seen him and wanted to feel close.

when he went back to dog sitting he messaged saying how I’d turned him down and lost out today on sex as well. He’s meant to be coming back to mine today and I didn’t want it hanging over us so I said well I can make up for it. He said how? I was busy and don’t like sexting (didn’t have any ideas tbh!) so I tried to be vague sort of we’ll see.

he then said I would have to make up for what I’d done before he would come back! I said I hope you’re not being serious and he said deadly serious! I said well you’re not giving any ideas he then sent me a list of options including a video of how much I love him and saying sorry for being silly, various nudes, a voice note all the reasons I love him or the special option which was a video of me undressing! He said if I did that he’d come and sleep with me and be forgiven.

1. he is well aware ive neves been comfortable sending nudes.
2. I didn’t even want sex at that point.

I said im not comfortable doing that and he said what any of it? He said he just wanted a bit of fun and I said it’s not fun for me being pressured into doing things I don’t want to do. His last message was that he never pressured me.

situation now is neither of us have messaged each other. I’m worried am I boring and have I been unfair? Should I have tried to be a bit fun? But also I feel like the ‘punishment’ was options of further humiliation for me and I would not have enjoyed them I don’t like sending nudes certainly not videos I find it degrading.

How has he not given you the ick?
Hes given me the ick!
I totally understand your feelings about him seeing your bits close up - I used to be exactly like this. That was my boundary and if it wasn’t to a man’s liking -then I waved them goodbye,
This man has made you feel so uncomfortable you have posted on here asking for advice.
What is your gut feeling about this and him? Listen to it!!

He’s punishing you for having boundaries. That’s not ok

He’s really dangerous for you, pushing you outside your comfort zone then punishing you for resisting.

Please don’t say, ‘If we ever end…’! It must be over.

Wow. Who does he think he is. What a turn off.
Why would you consider setting up home with him even for a minute.
To add. Don’t ever say sorry for feeling uncomfortable.

He is a domineering twat.

Don't apologise for being your own woman!

He want you to send a video of you apologising!!??!!

No no no. Do not do this.

Dump and run!

Of course it's completely reasonable to feel how you do even if other women would not mind their partner seeing from whatever angle. The point is: you were not ok with it and you said so.
Do not move in with this man.
Get out asap. He could turn very very unpleasant and you could send up suffering for years. Believe your gut, these things are so far from ok.

You’re asking others if they would feel comfortable with their partners seeing them naked from that angle. The question is really whether they feel safe in their relationships. If you feel safe and respected and loved in a relationship, you’re more likely to feel comfortable to allow your partner to see a little more of you. I get the sense that you don’t feel safe and your nervous system panics, because it knows this better than your conscious brain does. Please, please leave this man. Don’t worry about what other people would or wouldn’t do. You are not boring. Listen to your body, listen to the alarm bells. You deserve to feel safe and respected.

Run as fast as you can! It starts as “a bit of fun” and before you know it it’s degrading and abuse! Leave him now! Do not buy a house with him.

You started to struggle and your sex pest bf's response was to grab you in a vulnerable area.

And it's not the first time you've struggled against him.

Dump immediately. He thinks he's entitled to your body and he's rapey. Do not buy a home with him. He thinks your body auto omy is something he can punish you for and he doesn't respect your no or your boundaries.

Do a Clare's Law request on this guy.

Any man that doesn't let a woman go when she is struggling to get away is a walking giant red flag and not worth a moment of your time.

What a waffle. You’re clearly not compatible.

So he assaulted you (after you had already told him not to do this).
Now he is insisting that you apologise?
And to do this you have to do something else you're not comfortable with?

This is the first time I've said this on mumsnet, but LTB

Oh god don't buy a house with him. Get as far away as possible while you have no ties to him.

He's absolutely repulsive. Eroding your boundaries is bad enough on its own (no means no but he tries to physically force you and emotionally coerce you) but as an additional layer of vileness, the things he does or tries to do seem to be things that will humiliate and demean you. Using his strength to force you to expose yourself when you've said no, not once but twice. Trying to insist on coming on your face when you said NO and then sulking about it because HE'S upset because its "not thoughtful" to not let him ... words fail me.

He treats you like an object to use and finds it amusing to put you in situations that make you feel embarrassed and devalued. Why on earth do you want to be with him?

If he told me "I won't come back and have sex with you" I'd just say thank god for that, fuck off then.

Wtf!!!! He assaulted her and then made her out to be the one with a problem.

Wtf is wrong with you!?

Op it doesnt matter whether other posters would be ok with this. Its completely irrelevant information.

Youre not ok with it. You told him and he did it again and left you feeling powerless. That is really really not ok. You'd be crazy to move in with him.

His behaviour toward you is not normal or loving or caring. It sounds like he doesn't even like you really, he certainly doesn't respect you. He's happy to manhandle you whenever he wants.

Honestly, I can't see why you think any of this is ok. Just break up. Call it sexual incompatibility if it makes you feel better. Just dump this freak.

It's not about comparing you feel with others or even how you may have felt on a different day, it is about the fact you said no and he did not respect that. You have the perfect right to do that. You being naked in your own home is not an invitation to sex and groping and no means no.

He doesn’t respect your boundaries. He’s actively trying to erode them with ‘punishment’. This is vile. It’s a distressing read. You’re living it. He’s not going to change. This one is not a keeper.

This is true. If he can be like this after nine months with your finances still separate, just imagine what he'll be coercing you into once you're tied together.

Omg the amount of people on here that think what he did is OK because he's her partner and has seen her naked before is really really concerning. It sounds like he was being aggressive/overpowering her. She said no! Stop! He should have stopped immediately. No means no guys

You have given 3 examples where you have stated boundaries and he has tried to ignore them. The 2 when he held you and forced you to be looked are are such massive red flags, I'd not wait for him to do anything like that again - he's done it twice, and both times he ignored the fact that you were struggling and trying to stop him or get away.

It doesn't matter why you didn't want him to look at your body - you felt uncomfortable that your towel was slipping. Those feelings are valid.

Then he gaslit you by turning it round to be your fault.

I'd worry that his behaviour will escalate. How long before he decides he wants sex when you don't want it? How long before he decides you need 'punished' for some other perceived misdemeanour? Even the word 'punishment' is a red flag in itself - and all the punishment WERE design to humiliate you, things he knows you do not like or want to do. Please think seriously about leaving now, or at least talk to a professional counsellor who can reassure you that this is not on. And please do not buy a property with him.

This isn't really the point. OP doesn't like her partner looking close up, some people just don't. But even if she was someone who didn't mind "in the moment" this is totally different. If you're having sex then you've (hopefully) consented, become mutually aroused and are intimately close at that time.

Completely different to being tipped upside down or having your legs grabbed and held akimbo against your will so he can force a full frontal exposure for his sole amusement, like being opened up like a porn mag. (I know the mags aren't a thing any more but just an example of an inanimate object used for titillation. )

he’s made me feel like I was out of order for threatening to end it if he does that again

Never make a threat you are not prepared to carry out.

If you stay will him, he will continue to abuse you.
Sooner or later he will rape you, then get sulky and punish you when you get upset over it. He is already pushing boundaries - doing things or trying to do things you already told him not to do, and holding you while you struggle to get free.

You need to end it for good, now.

What a weird man. Wouldn’t put it past him to become more abusive if you move in together or get married. Yuk. Get out while you can or you’ll spend much longer regretting staying.

Dump him, it will only get worse.

This is coercive control. Break it off. Just think what he would be like in three years time. Just no.

For those commenting on OP not wanting to be seen naked. Remember, sex is like a cup of tea. Sometimes it's ok to be naked, drink a cup of tea. Sometimes we don't want a cup of tea when we've just got out of the shower. Often we don't want a cup of tea in a position we are not comfortable with.

It is never ok to send a video apologising for not wanting a cup of tea. Think about it. Who would? Why would you? The same applies regarding sex. Its also a bit strange to send a video of yourself drinking a cup of tea.

It's perfectly acceptable to refuse a cup of tea and not acceptable for someone to pour tea over you after you've accepted but said you just wanted to drink it out of a cup.

And, because we have a good idea where this is going, it is not acceptable for someone to restrain you and force you to drink a cup of tea.