AIBU to tell my family about our separation by text now?

[UncannyGhostie]

Awkward one but AIBU?

My family (apart from my parents) don’t know that DH and I are now separated (don’t ask!) I really want to tell them now, my mum refuses and wants to tell everyone face to face. It’s been a year 😱

I really want to text my family now and tell them, my mum says it’s very rude and insists on individually speaking to everyone face to face which means many individual meetings 🙈 God knows what she will say or how long this will take.

DS birthday recently and my cousin sent Amazon parcels to the old family home. One for DS and one for both children to share which arrived late.

Ex sent me a picture of the opened package today, do you think he should have handed it to me as it was from my family? Or waited til both children were together? The one whose birthday it was is with me today.

I would have handed it to him if something had been delivered to mine as it wouldn’t be my place to open it. Also shame the youngest didn’t have the chance to open it with his sibling?

or am I being silly? It was a chocolate hamper 😋

Yes, I know the bigger issue is the fact my family have no clue that we have separated 😱

You’re scared? Of your mums reaction? You know this needs addressing right?

She sounds like a horrible bully.

Good for you. Your mum is worrying what people will think. But it’s no one’s business! No one knows what goes on in someone’s relationship.

I would message or email, it will give them time to digest it. Doing it individually face to face is going to be a series of small disasters where no one knows what to say or says too much. You could say it's been on and off for a year to avoid saying you haven't told them for a year. Also they will all get the news simultaneously rather than some knowing earlier than others and potentially talking to other people who you should have told

Well done OP. Unless there are very specific cultural issues at play, divorce is hardly unusual or scandalous these days.

If you genuinely feel scared for her reaction that is something you should step back and reflect on, perhaps with a therapist as that isn’t a healthy adult response.

Glad you've done it OP but don't be scared.

You're not 16 anymore.

I’m glad you did it. I think it’s weird your mum has this level of control over your life as a fully grown adult.

Well done. Your dm sounds quite controlling too.

Everyone loves a good marital break down for a bit of family gossip ! but underneath it is real concern and care, and people aren’t generally unkind and will hope you and the kids are ok and feel sad that you must be going through a tough time.

I can GUARANTEE that everyone’s first thought will not be what did YOU do but what did HE do.

If yous are in seperate houses, how do people not know? Have you not had anyone visit in a year? Or are you uk and they are not??

I think it's sad that you are more worried about what your Mum might say, than the actual news itself. She seems to have a real hold over you.

Omg good luck OP. You did the right thing.

No cultural issues, we are from the UK, she’s got a very odd, dated opinion on divorce, her and my dad don’t see many people or travel and are quite insular. I keep telling her it’s not the big scandal she thinks it is. People won’t be as shocked as she thinks. She keeps saying how devastated she is, how ashamed and how much she must have failed me and my brother and talks about other kids who are “thriving”

This is mental. What would she have done if your ex popped up with a new girlfriend (which is entirely reasonable and possible after a year of separation)? How would she have explained that to family?

Well done on getting it done.

Glad to hear that you messaged OP. Apart from anything else, it’s awkward for the people who don’t know. I remember sending Christmas cards to a friend of my husband’s and then getting a message from her boyfriend (who was a nice guy) to say that she’d left him months ago.

Well done OP. Your mum sounds like how my parents reacted when I did an en masse message.
Funnily enough, it is not all about them but they saw it that way. Like it is a reflection of them plus the apparently thriving idea of social stigma - a woman leaving a man?! Heavens!

Christ OP. I double down on what I said about boundaries.

She sounds horribly unhelpful and not at all supportive, is she like this with other things or is just particularly horrified at the concept of divorce?

Good for you! Have you had any responses or fall out?

Yes tell them. Why is she telling them for you? She can be as embarrassed as she wants. It's weird but if that's how she feels you can't stop how she feels. Just like she can't stop how you share YOUR news!

So I only text two family members-one is a cousin on my mothers side who replied saying thanks for letting me know and thanks for your new address, she sent love to us all 💕

Another was a cousin on my Dads side who I asked to pass on the news to everyone. She read it a few hours ago but no response yet!

My mum - radio silence 😱

You’ve probably “made her ill” OP.

Ignore her ridiculous behaviour. It’s time to grow a backbone.