AIBU to tell my family about our separation by text now?

[UncannyGhostie]

Awkward one but AIBU?

My family (apart from my parents) don’t know that DH and I are now separated (don’t ask!) I really want to tell them now, my mum refuses and wants to tell everyone face to face. It’s been a year 😱

I really want to text my family now and tell them, my mum says it’s very rude and insists on individually speaking to everyone face to face which means many individual meetings 🙈 God knows what she will say or how long this will take.

DS birthday recently and my cousin sent Amazon parcels to the old family home. One for DS and one for both children to share which arrived late.

Ex sent me a picture of the opened package today, do you think he should have handed it to me as it was from my family? Or waited til both children were together? The one whose birthday it was is with me today.

I would have handed it to him if something had been delivered to mine as it wouldn’t be my place to open it. Also shame the youngest didn’t have the chance to open it with his sibling?

or am I being silly? It was a chocolate hamper 😋

Yes, I know the bigger issue is the fact my family have no clue that we have separated 😱

The situation has absolutely nothing to do with your Mum. I'm shocked that you have gone along with this whole charade to be honest. Your Mum is responsible for her own feelings; if she feels ashamed or that somehow she's failed as a parent, because you've split from your husband, that's on her, not you. She's entitled to feel how she wants, but she doesn't have a right to dictate the narrative.

The fact no one knows, and parcels are being sent to your former home, by relatives, is now causing an issue. So, yes you absolutely do need to tell the rest of your family. There's no need for face-to-face meetings with your family at all; your Mum has said this simply to delay you telling people.

I would be honest with your family. 'A message to let you all know that James and I split up on X (insert date). Myself and the children have moved out of the family home and are now living at X (insert address). James is still living in our former home for the time being'. If you do have any relatives asking why you have waited so long to tell people, I'd be honest....'Mum is highly embarrassed that my marriage has ended, and wanted me to keep it from the extended family'.

If your Mum complains say 'Mum, it's not your marriage, and therefore not your choice when I tell the rest of the family. It's gone on long enough. If the situation has embarrassed you, and you view me as some kind of failure, that's your right to feel that way but it's not my responsibility to manage your emotions'.

Your mum is a drama llama and frankly she's being a dick. Cut those apron strings now, tell her to mind her own bloody business, and tell everyone you want to about the separation.

'Hi mum, i've text the rest of the family to let them know about me and Ex separating, just letting you know. Looking forward to seeing you xx (subject change)'

If she texts back 'how could you do this, you should be sitting down with everyone in person'

You say 'Thats not what people expect nowadays mum and it would be upsetting for me to have that conversation in person over and over again, people will not be thinking of themselves they will just want to know that me and the kids are okay and this way they arent in the dark. Its done now, we dont need to discuss it any more.'

If she sends more messages:

'Its done now, we dont need to discuss it any more' dont say ANYTHING other than that sentence every time she brings it up.

'You're auntie Zoe is upset you didnt tell her in person'
'Its done now, we dont need to discuss it any more'

'You need to be more sensitive to how much shame this brings to the family'
'Its done now, we dont need to discuss it any more'

'You have hurt me so much, how could you???'
'Its done now, we dont need to discuss it any more'

Just got home, gonna text everyone now. Big girl pants etc. She’s also obsessed with the why questions, I’ve told her people don’t need to know the gory details and we can be vague, she said people need to know why, I said alright, tell him he was a controlling, nasty you know what, she said but they are bound to ask “what did YOU do to make him behave that way” 🙄

Mum sounds annoying. Best of luck.

She sounds exhausting people don't need to know! No wonder you are hesitant your mother has probably put you on edge your whole life,

OP

I've a mother like yours, it's so inappropriate for her to be getting involved in your business. I was shamed too, told that I wasn't thinking of my kids, what a lovely man my DH was, you don't just walk out of a marriage etc. I backed away completely from my mum and will not discuss it anymore, we now have a superficial relationship which is fine by me as she has no respect for me a grown woman and a mother. She was the opposite of supportive to me when I separated. To be fair this incident was the last in a long line of her crossing appropriate boundaries with me.

No one will be devastated, disappointed maybe but everyone has their own unseen stuff going on and are more focused on that.

This is causing an issue for you now, tell people and seriously consider some healthier boundaries with your mum. Your priority is being a mother to your own kids, not placating someone who is living in the last century and taking your energy.

Sympathies, my Mother would be the same. Very undermining!

Oh lordie, absolutely not your mother is insane that’s by far the worst way to do it.

DB separated from his wife last year. After he told my parents, me and my sibling he was done having the awkward conversation. With his permission, my parents rang the aunties and uncles in their generation and I WhatsApped all the cousins and said he doesn’t want a fuss or to drag over it again but I’m just letting you know and that was that. Much cleaner and everyone knew within a couple of weeks.

If she says people (her) want to know WHY I would tell her 'He said I was becoming like you and he couldn't stand it'.

Does she want people to hear that?

People won’t ask why - they know it’s none of their business.
your mum is being really silly.

@UncannyGhostie I'd be inclined to say

To the family "after a year of living separately, we have made the decision our marriage is over and this is final. Please don't pick the scab and ask for more info and be reassured it has taken a lot of thought".

To mum "I know you didn't want me to do a family announcement but I felt worse about keeping such a huge life change from people I love. I have told them and I have asked for understanding not judgement and suggestions!"

Because someone asks a question doesn't mean you have to answer it. Might be an idea to apply that policy to your mum as well as the rest of them; she sounds like the type to give them her own narrative, regardless of the facts. Keep it need-to-know and tell her you won't be discussing it. You've shown you can get rid of a controlling man; it's the perfect moment to stop being controlled by your mother.

You shouldn't have to tell anyone "why" and your mother is spectacularly out of order for suggesting you are to blame. But to be honest I wouldn't want to be (presumably) lying to relatives on my daughter's behalf in this situation. Certainly not for this length of time anyway.

‘Hello family member, just to let you know that DH and I have separated and my new address is XX. All very amicable and we’re co-parenting well. It’s been a year now and mum was keen to tell everyone face to face but we haven’t caught up in a while so I didn’t want to keep you in the dark.

Any ‘why’ questions will not be directed at you so good luck with that mum!

This! It’s almost exactly the same post.

Perfect opportunity, thank her for the gift tell her you have moved and that you separated she’s welcome to tell anyone else her parent’s siblings because you just haven’t been able to face it! That’s not rude.

but they are bound to ask “what did YOU do to make him behave that way”

Wow. Tell your mother to tell them that question doesn't deserve an answer. In fact, she should be reevaluating her relationship with anyone who expresses anything vaguely similar to that sentiment.

Tell everyone not to mention it to your mum as she is too judgemental so she doesn’t know.

Did you survive @UncannyGhostie?!

Your mom is not supportive or respectful of your autonomy - I have a similar dynamic with my mother, and it is deeply damaging long-term. You might even want to consider how similar the underlying dynamic was with your ex - did he second-guess you all the time, show less respect for your autonomy/authenticity? And, then ask yourself if the dynamic with your mother and the role/importance you continue to let her have in your life is something you should work on. Please create some distance from your mother - this constant undermining of you is likely to have had and will continue to have long-term consequences, even if you can't see it now.

Your marriage, your decision but there is another option, phone them, so much better than a text

This
do a blanket message for everyone who needs to know! Sod your mother it’s not her life it’s yours!

Update - I’ve done it!! Text the family and told them that my mum has found it very difficult and not to contact her, my dad has been in poor health so I’ve said she would rather not have to discuss it.

Ive text my mum saying I’ve told everyone now and how this has gone on too long and how the family needed to know now. I’ve tried to reassure her that she won’t be contacted by them. She’s going to be pissed but there you go! I’m scared 🙈😱😆