AIBU to tell my family about our separation by text now?

[UncannyGhostie]

Awkward one but AIBU?

My family (apart from my parents) don’t know that DH and I are now separated (don’t ask!) I really want to tell them now, my mum refuses and wants to tell everyone face to face. It’s been a year 😱

I really want to text my family now and tell them, my mum says it’s very rude and insists on individually speaking to everyone face to face which means many individual meetings 🙈 God knows what she will say or how long this will take.

DS birthday recently and my cousin sent Amazon parcels to the old family home. One for DS and one for both children to share which arrived late.

Ex sent me a picture of the opened package today, do you think he should have handed it to me as it was from my family? Or waited til both children were together? The one whose birthday it was is with me today.

I would have handed it to him if something had been delivered to mine as it wouldn’t be my place to open it. Also shame the youngest didn’t have the chance to open it with his sibling?

or am I being silly? It was a chocolate hamper 😋

Yes, I know the bigger issue is the fact my family have no clue that we have separated 😱

You sound like you need to work on your autonomy. It's nothing to do with your mother what you choose to tell people about your situation. Be a grown up and do what you want!

Is she... alright? Its not the 60s.

My parents were the same when I divorced 32 years - I just told people because it was my news and not theirs. Funny enough it wasn't the topic of conversation for ever, they soon got used to it..

It’s your life, take back control. Make decisions for yourself, don’t hide as if you are ashamed.

I would have updated everyone with my new address last Christmas, if not before. By text or email "New contact details for Uncanny, Tarquin and Guinevere are......." Your mother has no right to dictate how or when you tell people and pandering to this just makes it more of a drama. Even the Royal Family have divorces! Re the parcel to your old address, whose name was on it? Maybe your ex was being a dick but he wouldn't know what was in the package until he opened it and you could have prevented this.

YABU but only because it’s been a year!
Why on earth are you listening to your mother?

So your whole family has no idea where you currently live?
How bizarre.

'Hi uncle Bob, me and Fred are no longer together. Very sad but getting on with it. My new address is * , , *. See you at auntie Sheila's 60th next month!' should cover it.

Do you see their other posts by clicking on their name? There are not any there or have they deleted what you are referring to?

It's your news to share however you wish. Tbh, I'd be more miffed that I hadn't known for a year.

And no, your ex shouldn't have opened a parcel not addressed to him.

Sounds like she has that old fashioned shame thing going on, my mum is a bit the same don't wash your "dirty laundry" in public !

It has been a year though your mum.will get over it your family are likely to be supportive at best or a bit taken aback at worst, but i doubt it will be spoken about forever.

This is pathetic and very unfair for your family so just send a text and be done with it

Thanks everyone! I’m gonna grow a pair and text them today! Please help me word the text to my mum that they all know now? What can I tell her? She going to be pissed off with me but there you go.

Could you frame it more that you felt bad hiding the truth from your family?

You don't have to tell her they all know! Don't text her, you don't need to.

I would say "mum ive text the family to say im now living <here> alone with the children just so that you are aware.

You don’t need to announce your separation!
Tell one family gossip and let them do it.
Bad news travels fast.

You don’t need to tell your mum you have shared YOUR news.

Is she a dreadful bully?

Just send the text. Your ex is a dickhead.

Why do you need to update your mum? I would start by asking myself that question. You have allowed your mum to dictate the way you live your life for a year now-why?

I would reply to the chocolate givers, thank them for the present and say that you and DH have split, here's me and the kids new address.

Then let them tell everyone else!

Are you from a culture where family enmeshment of this sort is par for course? If yes, you might wish to get some tailored counseling to address your boundaries, deal with guilt/obligation and develop/protect your autonomy.

Dear family, this news might come as a bit of a shock, but it feels like the right time to let everyone know that xx and I have separated. I'm now living at xxxxx while he's at our old address and we're co-parenting the children amicably. I promise you that we're all doing fine, so please don't worry. Hope to see you all in person soon! Love Ghostie.

Oh hang on, you mean the text to your mum.

Dear Mum, the wider family now knows about me and x. It's been long enough and it was getting awkward. G x

Don't tell her anything. Wait for the relatives to get in touch. She could have told them by now if she wanted to, she's had plenty of time.

Explain about the mix up and that you hate lying by ommission and so you texted and now everyone knows. Say it is your life and separation, and it really doesnt call for multiple individual meetings to break the news. I doubt they care as much as she imagines, and if they do, then theyre all drama llamas

Have you posted this exact question before? Some months ago I read an OP who had the exact same “dilemma”.

It’s not a dilemma - just get on with it.