Questing my marriage over my husband cheating on me at his stag do

[Flossiecrab]

Hi everyone,I’d like to first preface this by saying I am not here to argue or go back and fourth I’m just merely here to rant as I am very confused at the minute, my sister has been very supportive and I’ll work out how to navigate this in due course. I am in absolute shock and just need some perspective, because my head is completely spinning.

DH and I just celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary. We have been together over 20 years, we met on the first day of university and have pretty much been together ever since. We have 3 wonderful children together (DC2 is 10, DC3 is 8 and DC4 is 5) By all accounts, we have a very happy, solid marriage. I love him dearly, and I have never once doubted his love for me. Until last night.

We were looking through old photo albums and looking at photos on our his old camera from around our wedding time to celebrate the anniversary. A photo came up from his stag do of a woman I didn’t recognise. When I asked who she was, DH completely froze and started acting weird he wasn’t expecting that photo.

After pressing, he admitted that his friends had hired an ‘high end escort’ for the stag do. Apparently, his mates all chipped in around £20k altogether as a "laugh" for him. I pushed further, and he finally confessed that he did sleep with her.

His justification? It was 15 years ago, it was a "one and done" thing, and he claims he doesn't even properly remember it because he was off his face on coke. He says he only knows it happened because his friends told him the next day, and that it "meant absolutely nothing."

I honestly don't even know what I'm feeling right now. I'm numb, confused, and sick to my stomach. On one hand, it was 15 years ago, we have a beautiful life and kids, and he has been a wonderful husband. On the other hand, he cheated on me right before we said our vows, used illegal drugs, and kept this massive secret instead of just telling me back then. He said he wanted to but we were always busy with something or just generally happy and he didn’t want to ruin our moments.

I accidentally posted it on a different thread will try to get that deleted.

He chose to get off his tits on coke and stuck his penis in a prostitute. Then he hid it for 15 years.

That is his character.

I'd rather stick sharp pins in my backside than let a whoremonger come near me with his manky cock. Nobody normal could ever forget where it had been. The absolute and total degradation of letting him near you knowing what he chose to do. Nope.

And of course, a whoremonger who has hidden his disgusting choices from you for 15 years has been unfaithful again.

If he'd come to her and begged forgiveness, seen a counsellor, done everything he could to fix it 15 years ago they might have stood a chance.

But she'd have to have brain damage to ever even want to trust him again. Her marriage is over, it's just a question of time now.

I'm probably 6 pages too late to point this out, but the stag do would have been 13 years ago as they've (allegedly) just had their 13th anniversary, so assuming this bunch of toffs all had top of the range mobiles at that time it's easily possible the photo was taken on a phone. The first iPhone came out in 2007.

Your whole marriage has been a lie. It’s the end.

She did understand what k meant and was not asking for that to be explained.

Her "question" was more a reflection on her incredulity and disbelief that £20k could be spent on a prostitute for a night.

Oh, and I forbid you replying to me 😂🤣

If everything else is really good and you have no suspicions about other cheating I would probably let him know how deeply hurt you are and see if you can repair it. What are your current feelings?

Oh for god's sake! As only one other poster has pointed out, DC1 was probably miscarried, stillborn or died very young. Some people have no lateral thinking skills!

I mean, that's if anything about this thread is true, of course.

In which case you’d count the loss both times, no?you wouldn’t say 3 children and then list them in a way that includes the 4th.
You would include them always.
it would always be 4.

I read the "we have 3 children" as there could have been a fourth taking the list of ages and numbers in the OP. I would have expected her to say "we have had 4 children" if she were to include a lost one. My cousin lost an infant daughter and has two sons - she's never said she's got three. She does say "I've had three children" though.

We don't know in OP's case, but I was bugged by posters being SO bewildered by it when it seemed an obvious theory. But as I said, this whole thing leans towards bollocks anyway.

I don’t believe this thread is real. No woman would allow themselves to be treated like this and be so okay about it!

No, they have been married 13 years so a photo from his stag do would be 13 years old so probably was a quick mobile snap.

Either way, a cheat, a coke head and has awful friends. All red flags from the start.

Some women do, particularly when there is a lot of money in the marriage, or in the many instances of women having terribly low self-esteem.

eta But that doesn't mean the thread is real!

Good point, my mistake.

except the wedding was 13 years ago, but the stag do 2 years before that. Like all good stag dos are 🙃

You now know that he lies , has cheated and doesn't respect you.

You'll never know how many times the above has happened, maybe once, maybe more

You'll never trust him again

Perhaps, if you went to couples counselling, you'd be able to sort it out?

Also? To add to my earlier post—his friends are rubbish. And they obviously also knew what happened since they are the cause of it.

No, it is absolutely not “fair enough”. It doesn’t matter when it happened. That doesn’t mean it DIDN’T happen or that no damage has been done, So far as I know, there’s no statute of limitations on being a lying, selfish dickhead. You can choose to look past it if you want to, and try (with him trying too) to rebuild trust, But if something like this is unresolved, it might as well have happened yesterday.

Sorry but decent respectful men do not go to lap dancing clubs much less get dances there. You have a very low bar.

Unfortunately you’re not just questioning your marriage, but also your whole friendship group. How can you remain friends with people who have such a lack of respect for you and who are out to humiliate you and probably laugh about it.

So no doubt this was a regular event at all of their stag dos? Absolutely vile. I couldn’t share a bed with a man like that.

I think you may need some space to process all of this and decide what to do next.

Only you can decide if you’re able to forgive over time and put it behind you. Yes he may be a great father but he’s chosen to lie to you for 15 years and it would make me doubt whatever else he may be hiding or lying about. I would also want to question any other stag parties he’s been to and if this is the norm for them all. I understand that his friends have kept this secret for him but it’s also upsetting to know they all kept this from you for such a long time.

How has he acted since he told the truth? He could have chosen to lie about the photograph so it is good that he eventually came clean.

Personally I would suggest asking him to stay at a hotel or with his parents )if he can) for a bit so you can clear your head. You need time to understand what happened and if you’re able to build the trust up again.

@Flossiecrab
This may sound totally dumb (its early) but I would ask him about the 5k "gift" recently and I'd watch him closely when he answers.

If the gang are still buying prostitutes... its conclusive no?

I think people are right he essentially committed fraud. He let you go into marriage and went 15 yrs unbothered by this....BUT its hard to walk away from that because "hes changed"...

I think if he is still doing it now (ie paying for his mate) then whatever doubts you might have are removed.

I think a lot of women tolerate a lot to stay with a wealthy man /not completely alter their lifestyle and the lifestyle of their children. And the men know it.

It's a huge privilege to earn enough/be in a sufficiently equally resourced relationship to know that you can leave without it totally altering your lifestyle.

What classist shit. Just because someone is from a certain class doesn't make them a misogynist, that's like saying all working class men are thick as shit. 🙄

OP get rid of him, this wasn't the first time and it won't be the last.

£20k won't be just to shag the groom.

How many stag dos has he been on since his own?

Well that has worked for Colleen Rooney over the years I guess.

I’ve been on probably 10 hen dos and absolutely none of them involved cheating on partners or anything of the sort….!

Can’t speak from first hand experience of stag dos but the ones I’ve heard about from people who wouldn’t have any reason to sugar coat things have sounded similar. Drinks, fancy dress and activities and probably a bit of stupidity but never escorts, sex, cheating, chasing women!!

People who think that a night out being a “stag do” gives them the green light to cheat, do drugs and spend the down payment on a flat on prostitutes are not worthy partners in my opinion!

Sorry you’re dealing with this @Flossiecrab . I couldn’t stay with him, for all the reasons you mentioned but also because it would mean he wasn’t the person I thought he was and I was therefore married to a stranger with a moral compass and character I didn’t recognise and wouldn’t have chosen.

I appreciate blowing up your family is something you’ll need to work through, but know this isn’t your fault. I would certainly never have sex with him ever again- wouldn’t be able to get the images out of my mind.

Personally it doesn’t add up to me. £20k I do not believe maybe he got confused with numbers unless it was maybe to sleep with more of them. 2ndly coke is notorious for making men not be able to perform. So I would questioning exactly how high hr really was.

in terms of forgiveness I really don’t know if I could get there myself or it will be the elephant in the room for the rest of your relationship