Questing my marriage over my husband cheating on me at his stag do

[Flossiecrab]

Hi everyone,I’d like to first preface this by saying I am not here to argue or go back and fourth I’m just merely here to rant as I am very confused at the minute, my sister has been very supportive and I’ll work out how to navigate this in due course. I am in absolute shock and just need some perspective, because my head is completely spinning.

DH and I just celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary. We have been together over 20 years, we met on the first day of university and have pretty much been together ever since. We have 3 wonderful children together (DC2 is 10, DC3 is 8 and DC4 is 5) By all accounts, we have a very happy, solid marriage. I love him dearly, and I have never once doubted his love for me. Until last night.

We were looking through old photo albums and looking at photos on our his old camera from around our wedding time to celebrate the anniversary. A photo came up from his stag do of a woman I didn’t recognise. When I asked who she was, DH completely froze and started acting weird he wasn’t expecting that photo.

After pressing, he admitted that his friends had hired an ‘high end escort’ for the stag do. Apparently, his mates all chipped in around £20k altogether as a "laugh" for him. I pushed further, and he finally confessed that he did sleep with her.

His justification? It was 15 years ago, it was a "one and done" thing, and he claims he doesn't even properly remember it because he was off his face on coke. He says he only knows it happened because his friends told him the next day, and that it "meant absolutely nothing."

I honestly don't even know what I'm feeling right now. I'm numb, confused, and sick to my stomach. On one hand, it was 15 years ago, we have a beautiful life and kids, and he has been a wonderful husband. On the other hand, he cheated on me right before we said our vows, used illegal drugs, and kept this massive secret instead of just telling me back then. He said he wanted to but we were always busy with something or just generally happy and he didn’t want to ruin our moments.

I accidentally posted it on a different thread will try to get that deleted.

I’m sure she knows what the ‘k’ means 😂🤦‍♀️

I would assume their first child isn't with us any more.
But could be wrong.

This is marriage ending IMO. Time isn’t a defence. I can already tell you won’t leave him though. Sorry this happened.

This, you are correct. I have asked AI, and then checked the citations. 20k 15 years ago - probably means it was one hooker each.

what’s the bet it’s a, what happens on the stag stays on the stag? And it’s a regular thing for these blokes.

In the highly unlikely event that it was that much- then it was definitely more than 24 hours and wtaf was she offering.

it doesn’t bear thinking about.

I feel sad for OP, but maybe she has a really strong mind and won’t let the thoughts of what the fuck do these c*s get up to when they are together? How do you trust someone like that? Am off to the pub with my mates - I mean really? Away for work - that old chestnut.

I’d assume these are the ages of the children. That’s how it’s normally used on MN, eg DC5, DC9 and DC 13 (aged 5, 9 and 13)

So what does it mean in the context of the OP?

absolute pig h could have given you a disease go and get tested whatever you do

Ahh I see…apologies, I just read the PPs post that asked what DC2,3 and 4 meant. I didn’t actually scroll back to read the OP. Yeah…that’s weird! A typo maybe…finger in the wrong initial digit? No idea 😂

So you are devastated and he feels great because he got it off his chest.
All those men would have been at your wedding smirking about this prostitute they hired right in front of you while you stood at the altar making your vows to each other. They all knew. Laughing at you.
You can be damned sure that if he did it once he could do it again and probably did at every subsequent stag do because you can be damned sure he can't say no to his "friends" and crumbles under peer pressure.
If it was me our future as a couple would mean he never speaks to or sees any of these men again or that's your marriage over.
He could at least have kept his mouth shut.

So that's £19,900 of that £20k went on cocaine, I guess 🤔

He risked your health and your fertility and made a fool of you.

It’s not a boarding school thing, it’s a type of bloke thing.

The boarding school blokes can afford a higher class of hooker and drugs, cf, say your squaddie or labourer.

I'd leave him. A man who gets wasted on cocaine and has sex with a prostitute is not a man I'd want to be married to. Clearly, while you've thought he's a good man, he's not, because a good man would never do that.

Also, £20k?! What on earth did she do for him, for that insane price?

Maybe wants it in the Daily Mail?

I'd leave him.

Also, I wouldn't be able to get my head round men wasting £20,000 on anything (let alone a prostitute) or giving £5,000 as a gift. It sounds like they're in a sort of cult!

As someone who in my youth did a lot of coke - I have never heard of being so off one’s face on coke that you are capable of having sex and also not remembering.

I think he’s lying and also his friends raised £20k for a sex worker? I am sure there are sex workers that would charge that much for politicans and film stars. Greg from down the road? None of that sounds true. He probably picked her up himself on his stag do. I am not offering advice as you said you did not want it but I would probably assume that is not the first time he cheated.

You’re very laid back out this, I’m interested to know why you posted as from your responses you seem ok with it.

Personally I’d never be able to look at him the same way again. He slept with a prostitute before your wedding… gross. I wouldn’t want him anywhere near me!
He then lied about it… treating you with no respect whatsoever.
He and his friends have known about it all this time and it’s never once came out… I would put money on there being other incidents you are unaware of.

You can doubt his fidelity to you, because you have proof it, but sleeping with a prostitute just before your wedding, no doubt out of drunkenness and bravado and being egged on by his mates, is in no way proof that he does not love you.

Men (and women) can have sex with people they don't give two hoots about, and do it all the time.

Only you can decide what you can live with. If you can't stay in the marriage knowing he did this, nobody can say you're wrong. All I can say is, if it was me, and my DH had otherwise been a loving and loyal parter and a good father, I would overlook a stupid mistake he made 15 years ago. However, not everyone can do this, and if you can't, you don't have to.

If he’s serious about £20k then he had that prostiture for 20 hours. Nobody is charging £20k for a quick shag. I’d feel like my whole married life was a lie if I were you.

What did you chip in £5k for? Who the hell chips £5k in for anyone, £5 maybe or at the most £50 not £5k

Sorry, I am not quite sure I believe this post is real. It’s the type of fantasy scenario set up in an old episode of Morse or CSI Vegas because I have NEVER come across this in real life - despite 15 years in the city myself (investment banking) or my DH and his friends being ‘wealthy’. Morality aspect aside (because, despite what MN would have you believe, most men do actually like and respect their wives and love their kids) they stand to lose too much if their wives ever got wind and took them to the cleaners in a divorce settlement.

Even high-end escorts did not cost 20K 15 years ago.

Yeah. This is the bit that just sounds untrue. Unless it was a Hollywood style famous escort being paid for her silence. There is clearly an extra zero or likely a group booking with loads of escorts.

I agree with this - a cheater is a cheater and someone who can lie about this could lie about anything.

I feel so sorry for you tho I’d be feeling exactly the same as clearly if you’d found out about this directly after the event you wouldn’t have gone ahead and married him!

id personally be done after this revelation, but i guess the question is can you draw a line under it and forgive him (also bearing in mind this gives the green light for him to cheat again as he’ll see this as “oh she’ll forgive me anyway”) or is it going to eat away at you and ruin your life?

sending big hugs tho this is horrendous and the fact that his so called friends encouraged it too?????

Just to add to this my friend found out her husband cheated on her she bought a VERY expensive watch on his credit card before she chucked him out

he said why did you do that?

her reply - are you ready girls (this is genious!)

the symbolise the TIME I wasted on you!!
still makes me laugh years later