AIBU to rethink a friendship after comments about weight being a choice?

[MyCherryPiee]

I met with a friend last night and she has said something which is can’t stop thinking about and is making me quite mad.

She said being fat is a choice most of the time. She agreed that in certain cases like PCOS and medical conditions it isn’t a choice but in most cases it is a choice.

Friend is very health conscious, fit and active. She is usually quite upfront with her words but not hateful with it. I’ve never witnessed her say anything like this before. I am just appalled at this thinking from a full grown woman.

AIBU to think the comment is more complicated than she says and also in thinking I don’t want to be friends anymore?

Exactly. Eating healthy foods isn't the same as eating the right amount of those foods.

Sorry op but you come across as having a victim mentality.
You don't agree with your friend, and you paint yourself as a victim to that.
You don't agree with perspectives on weight and weight loss, and you paint yourself as a victim to that too.

Perhaps it's a symptom of a wider issue that you lack a sense of agency in your life generally. You are not the sort of person to say "I want x, y and z, therefore I'm going to do everything I can yo get x, y and z*, whereas your friend quite possibly thinks this way about her life generally.
Sorry for the pop psychology, but that's just how you come across. You are a passenger in life, rather than steering your own ship.

I’m not overweight so I highly doubt she’s concerned about my weight.

I would think she's more stupid than evil. She doesn't understand the socio economic reasons for obesity, the role of industry and legislation, etc. So she thinks it's down to the individual. Being thick and not having a systemic understanding of the world is a choice? If you think like her, you'll think it is 😉 (see what I did here?)

I am hugely overweight. 18 stone 4 if you are interested. Do I want to be like this? No. Is it my own fault? Yes. No one force fed me. It's my own fault.

Oh OP. You really gonna choose this hill to lose a friendship on?

'Mumsnet friendships' are different to normal friendships.

They normally involve an OP slagging their 'friend' off repeatedly and telling us they're considering dumping them for the slightest little reason.

Calling people stupid is very popular on the internet, isn’t it. Are you thinking it makes you seem intelligent? At least to yourself, I guess.

When I’m not tracking but still eating healthily

that's where you are wrong, or doing it wrong if you prefer. You are not consistent.

healthy food does not mean low calorie food . It has nothing to do with anything. Obviously you want to eat healthy food, but check out John Cisna to name just one.

If you don't stick to a strict calorie intake, and your macro, CONSISTENTLY, of course you are not going to maintain. Once you have been doing it for a while, you don't need to track, you know . But if you don't know how to stick to it, keep tracking.

Anyone can eat "healthy" food and become overweight. It's not just about bacon and crips.

I think it would depend who she said it to.
I am struggling more since hitting menopause. I'm having to work harder and still struggling despite eating like rabbit.
If she'd said that to me with the way my hormones are today I probably would have drenched her with my glass of water.

I have been obese and slim and now in between so need to lose about 2 stone. Yes I think it’s a choice. I get food noise but when I choose to prioritise exercise and good nutritious food and less alcohol I lose weight. Sometimes in my life I choose not to and gain weight. Everyone’s weight is very personal but it doesn’t mean it’s not a choice on what is more important to focus on.

I do feel the message that it is not in your control is not a good one. I have a family member who loves to tell us that it’s so so easy for us to lose weight but it’s really different for her. Well it isn’t and I know I am accountable for why I have piled on the pounds recently.

If I’m being completely honest, OP, I think in some cases being overweight is a choice.

I’ve been slim all my life, however there’s been times when my weight has crept up to 9 1/2 stone, which is around a stone higher than my comfortable weight. And I do at that point make a choice to rein things back in again. Being slim is a big part of my identity, I make no apologies for that. I would absolutely hate to be overweight. For myself, I feel comfortable Slim, I feel like I can move well slim. And therefore if there’s a choice I can make which means I stay slim, then I’m going to make it. I also Think that some people do not make a choice to be overweight. That is absolute fact.

However, it doesn’t diminish my choice to stay slim.

You clearly don't like her then.

So why does maintaining the friendship even bother you in the first place?

There is a huge difference between a bit overweight after holiday season and obesity. Loosing a stone or two that’s crept on over a year is easy. That is entirely different from lifelong obesity. People are getting the two muddled up imo.

At the end of the day, now that we have medications, it is a choice.

It’s not hateful, I’m the same. Sometimes I just want to eat crisps all day and I know I can put on weight easily. So I chose to exercise and eat well most of the time instead. It’s not being hateful at all.

@chocoluv sounds like you’re looking for an excuse. Keep telling yourself that.

Well she sounds a bit self absorbed and tactless, but unless she was having a not very subtle poke at you I wouldn’t end a friendship over it.

This is a good example of the basic choice.

My BIL is like your DH, fit & healthy. Except he likes to lecture about it. Like the OP’s friend. Clean eating bores are no different to overweight diet talkers. I have a friend who complains about her weight non-stop, but she thinks nothing of ordering take away Friday, Saturday & Sunday. Then does Slimming World. Rinse & repeat.

calypso outlines the choice here. It’s a daily thing. And some days you might want cake. Of course there are reasons we make our choices & of course bodies come in all different shapes & sizes. But ask any doctor, lifestyle factors are a major part of weight control.

As long as you can afford it.

Sorry, but speaking as a fat person, it is entirely my fault. Obviously, we can discuss potential mental health issues, physical illness or negative self-worth etc., but, ultimately, it is me who eats too much and doesn’t move enough.
In the last year, I have lost six stone by counting calories and trying to exercise more. It works but it took me nearly fifty years to get my head round it.
The use of the word ‘choice’ is unfortunate, but it’s accurate.

Expensive medications, a lot of people are living pay check to pay check and simply cannot afford them.

And before you say being overweight is expensive, for a lot of people it isn’t. It doesn’t mean they are gorging on loads of food.

My maintenance calories is 1500, anything over and I gain weight. It would only take a bigger portion of pasta a few times a week for the weight to creep up. That’s pennies.

There’s a lot of people on Mumsnet who don’t seem to like their friends, and drop them if they put a foot wrong. Bit disconcerting really.

I'm sorry but I don't agree. Weight loss drugs are popular because it makes it easier. I am a bit overwight and is my fault. I agree not everyone but your rationale is wrong. Health issues? Yes, this might be a reson. Then it is not a choice. Staying slim and fit takes a lot of willpower and good habits which is not easy to maintain. The choice is between having to work hard for it or not. Most people are to exhausted from day to day life to make the hard choice. Which I understand. But is still up to us.

In order to gain a pound of fat you need to eat 3500 calories over your maintenance.

That’s not a portion of pasta every week. That’s sustained over eating. I say this as a previous 26 stone, size 34 person. It is a choice. You actively make the choice to eat like shit, not help yourself, and not exercise. It’s your own choice to make, but I can’t stand it when people complain.

She's not wrong but if that's something you don't want to hear it's up to you if you want to stay friends.