AIBU to rethink a friendship after comments about weight being a choice?

[MyCherryPiee]

I met with a friend last night and she has said something which is can’t stop thinking about and is making me quite mad.

She said being fat is a choice most of the time. She agreed that in certain cases like PCOS and medical conditions it isn’t a choice but in most cases it is a choice.

Friend is very health conscious, fit and active. She is usually quite upfront with her words but not hateful with it. I’ve never witnessed her say anything like this before. I am just appalled at this thinking from a full grown woman.

AIBU to think the comment is more complicated than she says and also in thinking I don’t want to be friends anymore?

You're right that people who are super morbidly obese tend to have mental health issues but that's not the same as obesity being a mental illness.

If you watch shows like My 600lb Life, the participants have other issues that make them turn to food. When they make the choice to engage in therapy and address those issues, they're better able to control their eating and can change their lives and diets.

Well, I'm fat and I don't think she's wrong.

I don't find it easy to be disciplined enough to lose weight...my life is difficult and eating crap in the evenings brings me joy. But that is still my choice. I could make a different choice

I have experienced this both from a sister and a friend. It's tactless rather than hateful I think. I really tried to unpack the issue a couple of times, pointing out how nuanced it can be and how genetics can be a factor. There are so many issues that affect weight gain and loss, but those who find it easy, will never get it.

When I pointed out that in order to lose weight I am having to stick to 800 to 900 calories a day five days a week, with a 12 hour fast window, she replied 'Well surely you feel better for it.'

Broadly she's right though - most people are fat because they over-consume calories.

Watch this, it shows quite clearly how being overweight is directly linked to having a larger appetite, and underestimating calorie consumption:

If you're talking insulin resistance (as everyone likes to bandy about as the latest excuse), then fat people have made themselves that way by continually choosing to reach for the sugary, processed shite. The key word here is continually. Everyone likes the odd treat, but equally everyone knows that stuff is bad for them.

I wonder if those claiming that they have no choice to eat and become obese due to hormones and circumstances, would have similar sympathy for men who say their raging hormones and urges meant they had no.choice but to commit sexual assault?! I suspect not!

cringe away nutritionists or dietitiaMe are not going to tell an overweight person to not worry about what they eat or don’t bother to exercise

eating too many calories, eating unhealthy food, leading a sedentary life will more often than not lead to weight gain regardless of genetics or underlying health issues

it’s not rocket science there is a reason why so many people are overweight now compared to the past our genetics have not so radically changed within a few generations

But it’s still a choice even it’s not easy-peasy!

The lack of resilience and personal responsibility of those who refuse to accept that anything other than an easy choice is no choice at all is a massive personal failing on their part in my opinion.

I had two Grandmothers born in the 1900's Both starved to feed their children during the war years. Both were extremely active, never still. Both cooked from scratch and convenience foods were not widely available. One was as thin as a rake and ate like a horse, the other ate normally and was obese. Genetics have always been a factor and women have always typically put on weight in the menopause.

This is a health reason. It’s a mental health issues. Just as binge eating is a mental health issue! However….at the base of it (and I say this as someone who battled anorexia for 18 years) is a choice. I did have to choose to put more food in my mouth. The reasons I chose not to were complex and a lot of therapy was needed. Ultimately responsibility lay with me to take action and make choices to engage with support and move towards recovery. It was HARD. Every day was a battle. But ultimately I did the work and am for the most part very well recovered. I had to make choices. Hard choices.

And, I think knowing I had choices was an empowering thing. If I’d have been told I was doomed and that was just going to be how I was for the rest of my life. I’d probably be dead. All the way through my fight I had to take responsibility.
People tend to make excuses when things are hard. Some people feel powerless and fall into the role of victim. People need to be empowered to take control of the things they can to improve their health.

So? They both consumed enough cals to maintain their body weights, both had different metabolisms. What’s your point,

The great thing is that we now have WLIs so people can lose weight quickly and improve their health outcomes. Hopefully the new health secretary will make changes so the NHS can offer these fantastic drugs to more people for free - I'd happily pay higher taxes for this.

Op, I guess it is time to assess the friendship as a whole. If she is generally supportive and it is a friendship that you value, perhaps you can move past this.

There is a lot of judgement and assumptions around weight these days and I tend to tune ignorant comments and people out these days.

But most obese people choose to keep eating the wrong foods, they choose to not get enough exercise. Your friend is correct here, you are not

But she’s absolutely spot on. Claiming that those who struggle with eating are doomed and have zero control or agency over what they do as though they have been demon-possessed is cruel and utterly dehumanising

Hurling abuse doesn’t lend you credibility. The opposite.

I no longer talk to a "friend" who posted the meme about having an old age like Arnold Schwarzenegger, or being stuck in a wheelchair-implying that it's a matter of choice!
Wonder if it's the same friend! There are many complicated reasons why people are as they are, and some real friends who are now overweight/unable to move much, despite eating all the right things and doing all the right things, get hurt by people like these. And would probably be upset if I chose to stay friends with people who are either cruel or thoughtless.

I agree with you. It is so much more nuanced than it being a choice. There are so many variables and although you can do things to optimise your health, your actions have very little impact on health outcomes. The same for weight, although some would argue that’s easier to manipulate when it isn’t.

I don’t know if I’d end the friendship though..it would depend on how it was overall and how long you’ve been friends etc - and whether you could not talk about this again. If she continued and wouldn’t let it go, then I’d reconsider.

It’s not the same for weight, Absolutely your actions impact your weight, it is ludicrous to suggest otherwise

I don’t disagree though. And I am overweight. It doesn’t mean it’s an easy choice. But no one else is putting too much food in my mouth. No one else is keeping me from the gym. It’s my choice whether I eat a an omelette and smoked salmon for breakfast or a fry up. For lunch salad and chicken or a thick sandwich with mayo for lunch. Crisps after dinner.

What this thread proves is just how many people equate thinness with morality. If you're thin, you are a fundamentally better human.

I cannot see how this poster is ignorant or poorly educated. And you posting this isn’t the flex you think it is.

edited typos

I wake up every day and choose not to be fat. And I say this as someone who lost 5 stone to get to a healthy BMI.