AIBU to rethink a friendship after comments about weight being a choice?

[MyCherryPiee]

I met with a friend last night and she has said something which is can’t stop thinking about and is making me quite mad.

She said being fat is a choice most of the time. She agreed that in certain cases like PCOS and medical conditions it isn’t a choice but in most cases it is a choice.

Friend is very health conscious, fit and active. She is usually quite upfront with her words but not hateful with it. I’ve never witnessed her say anything like this before. I am just appalled at this thinking from a full grown woman.

AIBU to think the comment is more complicated than she says and also in thinking I don’t want to be friends anymore?

Nobody has said this or even implied this.

How is it abuse? it's merely stating fact.

You're right in that it's more complicated, but she's also right. People choose to overeat, for whatever reason.

What do you mean 'flex'? I'm merely pointing out the poster's thinking is outdated and quite frankly hugely embarrassing for them. The scientific evidence is overwhelming and speaks for itself.

Yabu. Maybe just say next time you don't want to speak about weight.

I do partly agree with your friend. Some people are naturally slim and others have to work at it. Im like that recently I have started to cut bread out and watch what I eat. Im a size 12...

As long as your friend isn't going out of her way to be unkind. Sometimes its needed to be told you've put on weight its easy to put on but difficult to lose.

If you say so. Maybe Google determinants of overweight and obesity. It’s not always straighforward.

It’s always the same on these threads.

YANBU I’m overweight and would distance her over this.

Yes it’s my CHOICE but it’s more nuanced than that. The times in my life I’ve been very slim I’ve had a lot of time to dedicate to meal planning, eating healthily and exercising. Now as a single parent I don’t have the same luxury of time.

I’m in full agreement with the poster you deem ignorant and poorly educated. Their posts aren’t embarrassing - they are considered and sensible. And I’m not sure I’ve been privy to this research you keep mentioning. I would like to see some.
I have, however, seen masses of research into the complexities of our relationship with food, have had first hand experience of evidence based treatment for my relationship with food that empowered me to take responsibility and make different choices. I have worked with people with disordered eating and fundamentally, taking responsibility is at the heart of it. It’s not easy. Not everyone recovers from undereating or overeating issues. I’ve also been involved in projects involving nutrition and poverty in schools.
I will admit that my reading of evidence for weight issues surrounding hormones, physical ailments (such as thyroid function), disability etc is limited. But I don’t think anyone on here has denied that there are situations exempt from ‘choices’.

How do you come to those conclusions?

@Brightlittlecanary I think the difference is two people could eat the same and have 2 totally different dress sizes. So yes there are choices but some people do put it on easier than others to be fair about it.

However there's a big difference between a size 12/14 and being a size 18/20 plus. Its all relative.

@MyCherryPiee if you’re not overweight but you say you would be a stone over a healthy BMI if you didn’t track your calories, then presumably you do track your calories. That’s you choosing not to be fat. So is it just your friend actually verbalising it you object to?

Nobody has said that though, have they 🙄

Bollocks.

I've been very slim my whole life and it's clear to me that obesity is a complex disease with lots of different drivers. Being thin doesn't make you ignorant 🙄

I think that's too far. Maybe its hit a nerve for OP and she has taken it to heart.

I think it depends on whether you yourself are overweight. I think weight is a choice to some degree (no one is force feeding you twice the amount I eat) but I would never, ever express this view to dear friends who struggle with their weight because it would be insensitive and rude, I value their friendship greatly and it is not my business.

As I’ve got older I’ve accepted that although I find it hard to resist food, it must be even harder for them or they would be able to.

i think this thread gets the heart of what is it to be human.

Either you believe you are doomed forever to be a prisoner of your appetite, and are powerless to do anything about, and you absolve yourself of any responsibility, and convince yourself that you have NO CHOICES….living a life of despair and the certainty of failure…

Or you realise that, whatever your predicament, you have agency to make a difference in your life, you take responsibility, and you do your best to improve, day by day, recognising that you do have CHOICES… living a life of hope and the potential for success.

It is a choice. Like most other things in life. During lockdown I took my foot off the pedal and made a choice to lean into having my DC and DH home all the time and the great weather. There were many meals/ice creams/cakes etc. and very little exercise. In 8 weeks I was over 10 stone! ( I'm very short..).
Then I chose to not be fat and pulled it back. 5/6 days a week I ask myself if I want to be a little hungry or a little fat - the other day I eat whatever I fancy.
I walk everywhere and only eat the calories I have already burned at that point of the day and despite being very late 50's maintain my weight.

EXACTLY!
Posters are believing that saying people have a choice is a bad thing. It isn’t. And nobody is saying it isn’t nuanced and complex. But stripped right back, it does come down to choices but choice is empowering and gives hope. The other option leaves you stuck. I don’t see the way forward if you really believe you have no power or capacity to change (and this does have the exemption of some medical issues).

Absolutely, I’m shocked how many people are deeply offended by saying what we consume is a choice and not an involuntary act;

from posters hurling abuse (now deleted I see) or being snide and accusing people of being slim so clueless.

completely ignoring most of rhe people saying it are or were fat. That not one person has said it’s an easy choice. Or that there are not driving factors behind those choices.

but believing you’ve no agency, that you’ve no control over what you put in your mouth is a tragic position to take and certainly not one I will get behind.

I for one have to get up and go to the gym multiple times a week and track every calorie I eat in order to look extremely average.
When I’m not tracking but still eating healthily my body settles at a stone heavier than my BMI would like, that’s when still eating healthy and working out. I don’t eat takeaway and junk food either.

You’re literally agreeing with your friend then? You’re making the choices necessary to avoid being overweight.

I don’t know why you keep calling her hateful, either. She sounds like she was quite matter of fact about it. It’s not like she’s calling fat people evil!

'Absolutely, I’m shocked how many people are deeply offended by saying what we consume is a choice and not an involuntary act;'

I am equally shocked at the huge amount of assumptions that are being thrown at people, regarding what they are or are not eating. Some people have agreed that they are overeating and that it is a choice. Equally, there are people who have to eat way under the recommended average amount of calories, in order to lose any weight at all. It is pretty crass to preach and judge everyone by the same narrow standards.

Regardless of any of this, it doesn't sound as if OP invited comments on her weight and probably didn't need a lecture from someone who isn't struggling in the same way.

What are you talking about, you’ve no idea on my situation, and what are you on about with recommended cals. There is no such thing. We all have different metablisisms. To lose weight we need to eat less than we burn. To gain weight eat more. There is no one number,

Sorry - this has quoted the wrong thing and now I can’t get rid of it. I’m not sure how I did that.

Nobody is preaching or holding anybody to ‘the same narrow standards’. It has been widely acknowledged that it’s a complex issue and differed from person to person.

And the average intake of calories per day is just that. An average across the population. To work out how many calories you specifically need to maintain your body weight you need to work out your basal metabolic rate and then approximately how many calories you burn from exercise. Then you can decide whether to go into a deficit if you wish to lose weight. If I took 2000 calories per day and didn’t exercise, I’d put on weight. I need 1400 (ish) per day at my current weight to maintain it and this is if I don’t exercise. I adjust based on my activity level each day. If I lose weight, I need to adjust my BMR again as my maintenance calories will be less. It’s helpful to know more specifically what your own body needs.

Sorry, but a take away a week, for me is the tipping point, and I guess it is for so many Middle aged women

You one minute say you are not over weight, the next say you are a stone over and are fighting a battle

At this minute in time Im 7lb over weight and I choose not to go higher and choose to cut back this next month to get be back to a healthy weight and BMI for my age, and one where I dont have a muffin top

Because Im so small, 4lb makes a difference between a size 8 fitting and a size 10 making me look like a sack tied with string

So every day I choose

My holiday? I chose to have a cold cider a couple of days - 3 in a week , well over my maintaining calories if I dont want to starve and feel hungry . I also chose to take the ice cream . And then I couldn't offset anywhere as I was away, and eating out , but that's fine, Ill pull it back other the following month

I made the choice 3 years ago I was never going to be fat again , so every morning I have to decide and choose

Your friend is right - we have a choice - its down to us