AIBU to rethink a friendship after comments about weight being a choice?

[MyCherryPiee]

I met with a friend last night and she has said something which is can’t stop thinking about and is making me quite mad.

She said being fat is a choice most of the time. She agreed that in certain cases like PCOS and medical conditions it isn’t a choice but in most cases it is a choice.

Friend is very health conscious, fit and active. She is usually quite upfront with her words but not hateful with it. I’ve never witnessed her say anything like this before. I am just appalled at this thinking from a full grown woman.

AIBU to think the comment is more complicated than she says and also in thinking I don’t want to be friends anymore?

It’s a choice for everyone. It might be harder for some people. Still a choice though

Agree 🤷‍♀️ as someone who was previously overweight.

Some people appear to think having choice is like choosing between your two favourite dresses, and is just exercising a whim….

And that if there’s any challenge or struggle involved then it’s not a choice, and that you’re somehow “forced” into it.

Why are you offended on other peoples behalf. She’s correct though. We are responsible for what we put in our mouth. I’m a petite size 10, slim and could eat whatever I want and be slim BUT my diet is so unhealthy and have some health issues.
I am responsible for that and it IS a choice i making even though it’s a bad one

Except - you are still in control of that. Just because you’re hungry, doesn’t mean you HAVE to eat. It’s okay to feel hungry.

I think you’ve nailed it. It does read like people think if you say it’s a choice it means it’s easy, that’s not what a choice means

choice simply means selecting one option over the other.

of course hormones, poverty, education, mentabolic issues, biology, make the choice incredibly difficult, of course for many it’s a choice of eat it or sit in utter misery obsessing on it, feeling hungry, deprived etc,

but that doesn’t mean it’s not a choice. It’s still a choice,we chose the food or drink.

pretending it’s involuntary and we have no input onto what goes into our mouth, our portion sizes, how often we eat or drink, is helpful to no one.

You're bang on.

Of course there are loads of factors involved in our weight - health issues, lifestyle, work, children, income, location - but ultimately it's still a choice to eat the things we do and in the amounts we do. It's just (unfortunately) an easier choice for some than it is for others.

You summarise it beautifully!

Trauma is strongly associated with obesity. And obviously there are other factors (air pollution, food environment, illness, disability, etc).

Obviously an individual is the one with the largest share of and final control over what they put in their mouths, which is literally a choice, so she's correct in that sense.

It may not be an informed choice, or an easy choice, or an equal choice though.

So rather than focusing on individuals' choices, society needs to make the right choice the default one.

Yes, for most people it IS a choice. I'm currently slowly losing weight unmedicated. I have to be very conscious of what I eat and how much I move, and I choose make myself more active and not to eat high-calorie foods. It's hard work. It's real. She's right.

For those who think obesity is a choice...do you also think anorexia is a choice? I mean all they have to do is choose to put more food in their mouths surely?

Yes exactly that. The hunger and satiety hormones vary vastly in every person so a slimmer person with a naturally small appetite is eating what they want to be satisfied and full
Except the same person ca fo from one to the other, hence why so many people yoyo diet, lose weight and put it back in.

Again, it's just denial that some people think slim people are just lucky because they never crave the foods fat people can't resist.

Some people will train their brain to say no and stick to it, others will tell their brain to ignore the good voice and listen to the tempting one.

Well, they do choose not to put food in their mouths.

Whether we like it or not, everything we do is a choice. There’s not a higher being pulling the strings.

Anorexia is a mental illness are you saying you think obesity is a mental illness???

Anorexia is a mental illness. Obesity is not. There is zero benefit in trying to compare the two.

But
I have thought in the past that obesity is a form of self harm ..
It's doing something that goes against what is good for your body and actively harms it

She said it was a choice.
She didn’t say it was a bad one.

(obviously extremes where mental illness come into play are not choices but the in between…..Surely there is an element of choice. I say this as someone overweight and I know it is my “revealed preference”)

Well the only person who puts food in your mouth is you. So yes I am of the opinion that really it is a choice. I am slim and believe me like most slim people I do have to worry about it - all the time. I have, and have always had, constant food noise. The first think I think of every day is what I am eating that day. I also have a chronic condition one of the drugs for which increases my cholesterol so I also have all that to take into consideration. Staying slim is hard work all day every day. I have two days a week of less than 800 calories a day. I cook from scratch I try and walk or swim regularly to keep my joints working so I can stay mobile. This exercise is never without some level of discomfort. I drink very little alcohol. Being slim can be difficult particularly post menopause but it is perfectly possible unless you have a medical condition that means it isn’t. It’s just hard work like most achievements are and not everyone wants to put that hard work in.

But maybe that's true for her?

People do things every single day that go against what's good for them. Not all of those choices are self-harm.

In some cases, definitely

Anorexia is always a mental illness. Obesity is far from always a mental illness, in fact it would be the minority.

Depends. Are you saying those who are super morbidly obese are mentally fine? Those who binge eat? Of course it's a mental illness in some cases..not all. You just don't want to admit to that because skinny/frail illicits sympathy...fat equals disgust and judgement.

So is drinking alcohol, smoking,eating processed foods. As humans we do many things tha harm us,

Anorexia is a mental illness, but that still doesn’t mean it effectively possesses you like a demon and literally forces you to act in a particular way. Having a mental illness doesn’t mean you have no agency… in fact, saying someone has no agency and they are completely helpless is the counsel of despair.