AIBU to rethink a friendship after comments about weight being a choice?

[MyCherryPiee]

I met with a friend last night and she has said something which is can’t stop thinking about and is making me quite mad.

She said being fat is a choice most of the time. She agreed that in certain cases like PCOS and medical conditions it isn’t a choice but in most cases it is a choice.

Friend is very health conscious, fit and active. She is usually quite upfront with her words but not hateful with it. I’ve never witnessed her say anything like this before. I am just appalled at this thinking from a full grown woman.

AIBU to think the comment is more complicated than she says and also in thinking I don’t want to be friends anymore?

I am not saying they don't know or that's it not hard,

I just ask if they have stuck with simple things for a year, before dismissing it or finding any other reason?

What happens when they stick with discipline and strict calories/ macro for a year?

Once again, not one thing you wrote indicates no choice. It is always a choice, no matter how hard a choice, how difficult.

to pretend putting the food or drink in our mouth is some form of involutunary action is either a lie or midguided.

it is always a choice, we maybe driven by different factors, the alternate maybe unacceptable to us, enduring the hunger, deprivation etc required.

but at its core, it is a choice, and reverting to its a disease does not change this.

but isn't that exactly what the friend was saying? That's it's daily choice, it's a daily decision, consistently and sticking to a daily routine.

Why is the OP finding that so hateful? It's true. No one said it was "easy"

Yes people are pretending because obesity is a disease,( ignoring that it is simply classified as a disease as the fat is an abnormal state for our bodies), or that various factors, ie poverty, or metabolic issues. Someone even pretending it maybe a form of ocd , means it’s not it’s a choice.

it is a choice. Every single thing we put in our mouth is a choice we make. Every single thing. We have free will. It is not involuntary, it is a choice.

Yes it’s a choice, people are giving lots of reasons for those choices, but not one person has said one thing to show that it is not a choice and what we consume is an involuntary act.

I'm 50 years old
My weight has not been under 20 stone in 30 years .
Attitudes like it's a disease, it's not the persons fault ,just removes personal responsibility for their weight.
No one gains weight eating a calorie controlled balanced diet with a side of exercise

Yes that’s what we are seeing, it’s not the persons fault. They didn’t do it. They are not responsible for it.

but we all are. As unpalatable as that is to hear. The only person who chooses what to consume is us, we put it in our mouths, it is not involuntary.

I think those saying it is hateful forget that a lot of us have been overweight or obese. I know when I was obese for a long time I had all the excuses to hand. It’s not that easy, it’s my metabolism blah blah blah. I see that on here but if you are honest with yourself then you know that you can’t just keep having that extra bit of food, or not exercise or have a glass of wine all the time. It’s hard to lose weight and harder to be consistent and keep it off. I struggle to do that but saying it isn’t a choice just absolves me of the fact that I might choose to have a slice of cake rather than fruit or a full bowl of cereal rather than something like an egg which fills you up.

I think saying it is hard and a battle is correct. But saying it isn’t a choice isn’t correct because ultimately no one force feeds you food.

Your story is valid, but it’s your story.

What you describe is one pattern of overeating, not a universal explanation for a global obesity explosion. For many people, obesity involves biology, hormones, medication, trauma, genetics and disrupted hunger signalling. It isn’t always “crisps and secret eating”.

I tell you something else as well
Doctors are to scared to tell people to sort their weight out
Not once did any doctor even bring the subject up to me
I was 27 stone and it was the elephant in the room .. nothing was ever said in 50 years .
Now I've got them on my back because I'm loosing weight.they want regular blood pressure readings and regular weights of me ..never mentioned either at my heaviest
Madness

She sounds awful OP and smug!!

Yes this seems to be often the case. No one can ever mention weight even if it’s the cause of your aching knees, high blood pressure etc.

why do you think someone acknowledging that it require them a lot of effort and discipline to achieve something is "smug"?

If the main reason for becoming overweight or obese wasn't down to the amount eaten or type of food, mounjaro wouldn't have the incredible results it was. Mounjaro is the medical equivalent of mental discipline and willpower.

Struggling with discipline and willpower doesn't make the person lazy forcibly. This is where the many factors comes into it. Denying that the overweight or obese person has no power over it is just that, denial.

Biology,.....my dad was 28 stone
Hormones.... I ate more week before period
Medication......i have been on strong antidepressants that side effects were weight gain
Trauma ....I had an an abusive childhood ,and abusive marriage
Genetics...my dad's side of the family were all super morbid obese
Disrupted......hunger signaling..I have autism..I don't recognise hunger or anxiety as different from each other
Plus crisps and over eating ..
I still lost weight.
Even with everything you suggested makes a difference..yes I agree it does make a difference..but we are still responsible for what we put in our mouths
We might have reasons why we put the food in our mouths..but our body is our responsibility.
It's helps no one trying to pretend overeating is not personal responsibility
Weight can still be lost ,with hurdles to over come

Can I ask given this, why you have chosen to be over 20 stone for the last 30 years?

Being 50 doesn’t automatically make everyone equally wise, and being obese doesn’t automatically mean everyone’s obesity works the same way. Age gives you your individual experience, not universal truth. Obesity is exactly the same, your story is yours, but it doesn’t map onto everyone else’s biology.

Using “personal responsibility” as the whole explanation is like saying every woman should breeze through menopause because some do. Menopause affects women completely differently, same age, same stages, different hormonal environments. Obesity varies just as much with hunger signalling, metabolism, medication, genetics and hormones don’t behave the same in every body.

Kept ignoring it
Hoped it would go away
Couldn't face it
Made excuses
There was lots of shops catering for fat people so I always had nice clothes,
No one ever said anything,no one made me feel bad
It didn't stop me swimming or going to the gym
I was lazy
I had a busy life and didn't prioritize myself
I wanted to eat what I wanted
I used food to comfort me
I ate in secret
I was married and he loved me as I was
I made more excuses
I really wish I had lost weight years ago
Life is so much better thinner

Look, it’s definitely a choice to be fat in the vast, vast majority of cases. It’s absurd to suggest otherwise.

Where I think the point of disagreement actually lies, between you and your friend, is what we mean by “choose”. I agree with you that obese people don’t wake up and think “today I am going to do things or avoid doing certain things which will keep me obese”, so in that sense rarely is obesity an active choice. But the decision to, over time, eat the wrong type of food, not control portion size, and not do a sufficient amount of exercise is most certainly a choice.

It is about habits and lots of small choices day to day, rather than big sweeping ‘life decisions’ in the way choosing to move country or choosing to change career are.

What the whole debate highlights though is the importance of small changes and building good habits. So much better than crash dieting and relying on WLIs, over time.

Look, it’s definitely a choice to be fat in the vast
Being fat is not a choice. Not doing what would prevent getting fat or doing what it takes to lose the weight and keep it down is what is the choice.

And I say that as someone who has
yo yo'd up and down all my life. I am either on a diet, thinking about going on a diet or not a diet and eating like a swarm of locusts.

You at not like it her opinion but to end a friendship over it - come on.

And ..most of all
It felt like such a massive mountain to climb ,that I couldn't even take the first step on to it
Because I knew it wasn't a diet ,I knew once I started I could never go back to my old ways ,as the weight would go back on .I knew It would have to be massive changes for my whole life
So I kept putting of starting,I think I was scared of failure as well

You did it despite huge hurdles. Great, well done.

But your story proves only one thing, your biology didn’t stop you….. your biology. Other peoples bodies don’t work exactly like yours, and acting like everyone has the same setup simply isn’t true. Peoples bodies work differently when they encounter disease.

Your success doesn’t magically mean everyone’s hurdles are the same height or equally manageable.

I understand where you are coming from in some ways, I’m an ex‑smoker and sometimes I can’t understand why people can’t just stop as I did especially when the health risks are so well known. But then I give my head a wobble and remember my experience isn’t everyones reality, and addiction can hit harder in some people.

I read something when I started trying to change
It went along the lines of
Choose your hard
It's hard being fat and carrying extra weight around
It's hard exercising daily and saying no to high calorie foods you want to eat
So choose your hard .
It went something like that ...
And I guess that was the thing that got through to me .
And actually both are about the same hard ..
But I choose weighing less every day

I know
But don't write people of ,by making them think they can't do it
It's the hardest thing I've had to in my entire life
And the first step was the hardest
If I'd had some telling me it's not my fault,it's a disease,I might not of bothered to start , because change is hard ..and we use any excuse to stay the same