AIBU to rethink a friendship after comments about weight being a choice?

[MyCherryPiee]

I met with a friend last night and she has said something which is can’t stop thinking about and is making me quite mad.

She said being fat is a choice most of the time. She agreed that in certain cases like PCOS and medical conditions it isn’t a choice but in most cases it is a choice.

Friend is very health conscious, fit and active. She is usually quite upfront with her words but not hateful with it. I’ve never witnessed her say anything like this before. I am just appalled at this thinking from a full grown woman.

AIBU to think the comment is more complicated than she says and also in thinking I don’t want to be friends anymore?

Oh I used to be that smug person too...then I hit my 40s and gained at least 3st and I am really really struggling to shift it. It isn't easy. I know OP.

Your friend shares the view of many. You might not agree, and that’s fine. Not worth ending up a friendship over.

But it always is consuming more than you burn off and it is always a choice to do that, again you’re into thr factors that drive that, but it doesn’t mean it is not a choice and a forced involuntary act.

I have always believed that food has an emotional link to it, it can be the one thing that some but not all people turn to to feel better. I respect people have a choice.

Other people, like the person you described in your post engage their big mouths before they engage their brains and are insensitive and callous in their remarks, so in other words she does not understand.

This woman has not understood that she can cause offence with her inability to accept that people can choose to make changes in their own time and that the choice is theirs and they should never, ever be pressured, ridiculed or miss treated.

But again how does this make it not a choice, it is still a choice,

dveryone disputing it, is giving reasons why it’s hard, why people struggle , what drives it, what you and not one other person have said is anything to say it is not a choice,

Yes, but the consequence of it is being fat, everyone knows this, so by definition we chose fat. No one thinks the fat just magically appears, everyone knows it’s a consequence of our consumption choices.

352 comments and no one has made any reference to the hunger and satiety hormones apart from me. What don’t others understand about the part hormones play in our decision making or our choice’s as people like you keep saying.

But it is mostly a choice, medical conditions aside. It’s complex and often linked to poor mental health of course which isn’t a choice but we do have autonomy over the foods we choose ultimately.

I was fat years ago. I had 3 successive pregnancies in 2.5 years and gained a lot of weight throughout. I was a few lbs short of 18 stone at my heaviest so pretty huge, even at 5 ft 7. I hated it, barely left the house, I was so embarrassed. But I acknowledged it was my fault, I didn’t exercise and I comfort ate junk food constantly. I’d try to lose weight half heartedly but my portions would still be huge.

Eventually something snapped in me and I decided to fix it, I lost 7 stone in a year and felt great. This was way before ozempic or anything so I had to put a lot of effort in but I was determined and it paid off. Gained 4 stone back when I was pregnant twice again in 2 years so pregnancy is a real trigger for me. I lost it all and have kept it off though. I’m a long distance runner, some days I really don’t want to run or workout but it’s a choice to force myself to because I wouldn’t want to be fat and full of self hatred ever again.

I think everyone understands the drivers, but again it doesn’t mean it’s not a choice. It simply is. Yes hunger, deprivations, satiety, mean we want to eat it, it doesn’t mean it’s an involuntary act.

I’m an exsmoker. I did it so why can’t everyone else in the world ‘just get on and do it’ 🤷🏻‍♀️why do some people find it incredibly difficult or impossible to give up and stay an exsmoker for life and not replace it with another ‘habit’ ? Same with drugs and alcohol’ just use discipline and willpower.

@MyCherryPiee - come on now. You are annoyed you can't lose the stone that you have over your BMI and hence being completely OTT.
I'd find your exhausting in real life.

Complicated as things may be - she is not wrong. For people without medical conditions - extra weight is there because they consume more than their body needs. And yes - that IS a choice. Not a choice to eat to maintain extra weight - but more often a choice to use food as comfort, or to not make an effort that is difficult - by eating less.

Yes - metabolism slows down with age. Mine in peri is such that I barely eat - if I want to maintain my weight that I had in my 40s. Now in my 50s - that means - very low carbs and in general, being a little hungry often. It is A CHOICE.
During the week - I have a small breakfast, and fruit or salad for dinner and lunch. On weekend - I can go out and enjoy a meal with friends. So - it's very much a choice. I do not want to be a stone over what I have been in my 40s.

As to exercise - it doesn't make as much difference on the weight, so no quitting a job is necessary. Food is really 90% of weight loss. And taking responsibility for that is important.

As to WLI - again, OP you are being precious. Yes - not everybody can afford it. But why deny that they help people? Those who can wither get it on NHS, or pay for it themselves - make an active choice, which is their right. And the result is positive - so why put them down???

I hope you get that particular chip off your shoulder and realise that your weight is really only down to you. And no one else is responsible, or is hating you by stating just that.

Your friend is right though. She’s not being hateful at all. She recognises that for some people it is not a choice and that there are reasons why people put on weight or find it hard to lose weight against their will so she is not being small minded.

This may be one of those situations where being confronted with the truth hurts.

In what way is it hateful?

She is waking up every morning and choosing not to be fat. Choosing not to abuse her body.

Obesity cost the NHS a fortune. £Billion! If more people were like her and made more of an effort to respect their body then the NHS wouldn't have to spend so much money.

So yes, she is correct, that most (always exceptions) people choose to be fat, because you choose how much you eat and what you eat.

I also choose not to be fat. I do my best to make healthy decisions with the food I eat, and if I do eat more junk than I ought to, I make sure I increase my exercise to compensate.

It may not be easy to stay slim, and it will be easier for some people than others, and it will be easier or harder for each of us as our circumstances change…. But none of that means it’s not a choice…Choosing isn’t always easy!

Of course there will be some people for whom it’s extremely diffocult, or close to impossible, due to their condition.

You see I dont think everyone does understand the drivers. I bet quite a few couldn’t even name the hormones or what they do or how they vary from person to person or how they change during puberty pregnancy and the menopause. This all needs to be taken into account before just saying ‘it’s a choice’ and therefore if you’re obese you’ve made bad choices. It really isn’t that simple in SOME people.

What don’t others understand about the part hormones play in our decision making or our choice’s as people like you keep saying
What are you implying though? That fat people are affected more by hormones and that's why they are fat?

Does this also imply that slim people are just lucky not to ever feel desperately hungry like fat peopl do?

It is a choice though. I have PCOS and hypothyroidism but when I cut sugar, eat whole foods and move more I lose weight. It’s my choice to eat chocolate that keeps me fat.

For me, being far isn’t a character failure… but choosing not to take responsibility for our actions definitely is.

This is ridiculous. Hormones make it harder, but what you put in your mouth, and how much of it, how often is always a choice.

Agree

Before wli, I used to go into what I called a kitchen trance where I'd just eat and eat...I didn't even enjoy it. I actually hated it but felt powerless to stop. It really was tortuous. Wli just make me think like a normal person so I eat a biscuit or a piece of chocolate and think well that was nice but I'm absolutely fine to not have any more. If you feel like that naturally then lucky you.

Thinking about it a bit more
I can see how poverty would increase weight
Like because all the offers on food are always on junk foods
Hardly any nice fruit is ever on offer
And trying to feed my family healthy food ,is definitely more expensive than junk because they need more fruit to fill them up than junk .
I buy huge bags of oats and massive frozen bags of berries to go in it.
I'm literally buying salad and fruit every day

Yes exactly that. The hunger and satiety hormones vary vastly in every person so a slimmer person with a naturally small appetite is eating what they want to be satisfied and full. Just as a person who has much lower levels of those hormones do but THEIR satiety levels taken more calories to achieve, this is the biology of it. lifestyle, age, trauma, education, income & gender all play their part but underneath all of that is the hormone function that drives us.

but it's the same with everything.

Some will ignore the "hunger" signal, and get used to them. You don't need to eat every time you feel peckish, but others will refuse to feel uncomfortable.

Some will ignore the pain, or at least discomfort of exercise. Others will use it as an excuse for not doing anything. If everyone stopped doing anything the minute they get a bit tired, a bit sweaty, a bit in pain, sport wouldn't even exist.

It's all a choice.

I mean this gently, as I’ve been there, but you were not in a trance, that’s just a way to excuse our selves for our own behaviour. Simply you wanted the food, all the food and you had it,

but you were not in a trance and powerless. You just wanted the food more than you wanted to stop.