AIBU to rethink a friendship after comments about weight being a choice?

[MyCherryPiee]

I met with a friend last night and she has said something which is can’t stop thinking about and is making me quite mad.

She said being fat is a choice most of the time. She agreed that in certain cases like PCOS and medical conditions it isn’t a choice but in most cases it is a choice.

Friend is very health conscious, fit and active. She is usually quite upfront with her words but not hateful with it. I’ve never witnessed her say anything like this before. I am just appalled at this thinking from a full grown woman.

AIBU to think the comment is more complicated than she says and also in thinking I don’t want to be friends anymore?

The facts are that being overweight is not healthy and as a nation we are becoming more overweight. Why are the government so concerned if it isnt an issue and a drain on NHS. Why are people concerned about obesity in children if it wasnt a problem. We need to stop pussy footing around this issue and see it for what it is.

What is she referring to? At medically obese levels, then of course the general consensus is that it would be unfair to label it as choice, although technically some number will have got there by not caring over the years then found themselves trapped even if only a small number.

But just fat to mean a bit overweight and not in great shape? I don't think it's impossible the vast majority in that group could cut out or swap some food, and do 10 minutes exercise a day and be much healthier but don't care enough to choose that.

Exactly. Too many people have decided that it’s just a person being greedy lazy or lacking discipline and they won’t be convinced otherwise . Waste of time arguing with them.

You certainly see it on here in a way thats meant as malicious.

Its the phrase 'most people'. The arrogant person saying this has no idea about other people's health, which can also include mental health.
I have a friend who overeats as a defence mechanism because she was abused as a child.
If only it was so easy to just 'chose' to eat less.

but how do you know that its 'most'?
How do you know what percentage of people have medical conditions. Its assumptions.

Thats for you though. you dont speak for everybody and every situation, thats the point.

at the same time when people having discipline and consistency are called "boring" and "obsessed".

Why not try the discipline and food choices for a year, and come back and say that it has nothing to do with discipline and food choice?

I called it food chatter or my food voice. But a quick google tells us that in the medical field they called it ‘Persistent food cue reactivity’ or ‘obsessive food rumination’. So there has been an official medical term for it for many years. The medical and scientific world recognised it a long time ago.

I disagree that your friend doesn’t see far people as equals (I’m also struggling to see how you deduced this from your conversation if what you’ve reported is accurate). Your friend is saying fat people equally have the ability to make the same choices slim people do. She acknowledges that there are health conditions that make it more difficult.

Surely it’s more empowering to say to people that they have the ability to change something they don’t like. What’s the alternative? “Sorry friend, you’re just going to have to stay overweight and struggle all your life?”
I’d much rather someone said to me, “You know what, it’s not going to be easy and you’re going to have to work at this, but you can do it. Losing weight is possible with good choices daily, consistently, over time. Change your lifestyle and don’t just diet for a few weeks…etc etc”

Encouraging people to not take responsibility is not a helpful approach.

I agree with a poster a few pages back who pointed out a victim mentality in you OP. If you REALLY want something enough, you will do anything to make it happen.

And the medical exclusions apply to everything I’ve said in my post.

I have been trying all my adult life thanks and have successfully lost weight in the past. As I’ve said several times now, keeping it off for the rest of a person’s lifetime is the hard part particularly for those people with low levels of the key hunger and satiety hormones. Genetics play a part whether people like it or not they do. Just as they do with many other conditions. Science has proven this.

Her comments triggered you because you are overweight and feeling judged.

It IS a choice.

Every day you make a choice whether you eat a small portion or gorge. You choose whether you eat healthily or fill up on crap. You choose whether you have an active or sedentary lifestyle.

I gained 2.5st after a shit breakup because I chose to comfort eat and vegetate all day. Nobody else made me gain weight, it was solely down to my choices.

Now I’m 112lbs, size 6 again because I chose to stop eating like a pig and sort my shit out.

The excuses that people come out with on here blow my mind sometimes.

Shes not wrong is she though , medical issues apart , people can lose weight and eat healthy if they want to .

Your thinking seems a bit muddled on this issue. What exactly do you find "hateful" about your friend's opinion? In what way is she suggesting that she doesn't view overweight people as "equal"?

For many people, becoming overweight is the consequence of many choices, remaining overweight is also the consequence of choices. Those are neutral facts.

She was definitely referring to very obese people. People whose BMI would qualify them for WLI on the NHS etc.

Not a stone overweight.

I think most people who look after their health would think the same thing. Staying fit isn’t easy, in fact it’s hard work. I think I can understand what she’s saying.

Flipping heck! I don’t think her friend is the anxious one…

Of course it's a choice..
Your friend said out loud what a lot of people think .
I've recently lost a large amount of weight,and it was bloody hard work.
It was my choice to not make the effort years ago
I expect your friend works very hard at exercise and restricted diet to maintain her shape,she probably gets fed up of people telling her how lucky she is to be slim.
Even I get people saying to me I was lucky I was able to loose weight, because they can't ...
Pisses me of
My stomach rumbles day and night ,I am permanently hungry and I make the choice to exercise daily.
Pisses me of people suggesting I find dieting easier than them

Trouble with that approach is that the obesity isn't helping with the child abuse memories. Yes it is a coping mechanism, but like smoking heroin, it isn't a very healthy one and it would be better, when a survivor is able to, to get all of the coping mechanisms out on the table and assess which ones are helpful and healthy and ditch the rest.

So to say, 'I am obese because I am using weight to protect myself against unwanted sexual advances because I am a survivor of sexual trauma' is a half way house towards healing, and is causing issues in and of itself.

If you haven’t experienced obesity as a chronic disease you won’t understand.

For some people, weight gain may begin with lifestyle factors or choices - sometimes starting in childhood - obesity itself is not simply a matter of calorie deficit and discipline. Once the disease develops, biological changes make longterm success extremely difficult. Hormones that regulate hunger and fullness, changes in brain reward pathways, metabolism, and other physiological factors all work hard against sustained weight loss.

Discipline and healthy habits still play an important role, but for many people living with obesity, it is a complex medical condition that requires support, and often treatment which is thankfully now available (for those who can afford it).

Do not assume people with obesity are thick and don’t know about discipline and food choices, most have been struggling with them their entire lives, not understanding why they couldn’t do it, alongside the shame and judgement from others.

Until now when it has finally been recognised it is a recurring chronic disease and treatments are available.

You just don’t have a clue. Enjoy your privilege.

The majority of people think this, including those who are overweight.

Thanks for explaining!

Is it a tendency toward rumination that fixates on food but can move, like become a hand washing fixation or ruminative thoughts about grievances or work, I wonder. like a form of OCD.

I used to think this ,when I weighed 25 / 26 / 27 stone ..
I used to think it wasn't my fault,my body was working against me .
But it was the huge amount of crisps I was eating, the secret eating ,the sandwich while I cooked dinner, the late night chocolate,the binge every Christmas, because that's what's Christmas is about,the eating what I want on a meal out , because it's a treat ,the extra food on holiday, because everyone overeats on holiday ,the handful of nuts each time I nipped in the kitchen.
All little things on their own ,that couldn't possibly be the reason I was 27 stone ,it must be a disease or something wrong with me.
It wasn't
I was eating more calories than I was working of .
Once I massively cut down and started doing regular exercise,I lost the weight

Pisses me of people suggesting I find dieting easier than them

People say things like this because they don’t actually understand, or acknowledge, obesity as a disease.

Just because someone can diet doesn’t mean it’s equally manageable for everyone. Obesity changes appetite, metabolism and hunger signalling in ways that vary hugely between individuals, it’s not a universal experience and it’s not a willpower contest.

That’s why it’s so irritating when someone assumes their success should automatically translate to yours. No one would get competitive about how someone manages asthma or diabetes. But with obesity, people suddenly think biology doesn’t count.