AIBU to rethink a friendship after comments about weight being a choice?

[MyCherryPiee]

I met with a friend last night and she has said something which is can’t stop thinking about and is making me quite mad.

She said being fat is a choice most of the time. She agreed that in certain cases like PCOS and medical conditions it isn’t a choice but in most cases it is a choice.

Friend is very health conscious, fit and active. She is usually quite upfront with her words but not hateful with it. I’ve never witnessed her say anything like this before. I am just appalled at this thinking from a full grown woman.

AIBU to think the comment is more complicated than she says and also in thinking I don’t want to be friends anymore?

Weight loss drugs are a choice.

This, no one says I think I’d like to be obese.

the choices are a series that lead to obesity. The extra large portion of food, the bag of crisps. The extra slice of toast. The glass of wine. They are all micro choices we make. And the outcome is obesity if we repeatedly make them.

We can argue about food noise, metabolic issues, whatever till the cows come home, it does not snd will never change the fact it is a series of choices that make us overweight and keep us overweight.

If your friend wakes up every morning and her first thought is "I choose to be slim today" then it sounds like she is unhealthily obsessed with weight. I suffered myself from an anxiety-rekated eating disorder a few years ago, and it was literally all I could think about.

So if she is in that kind of headspace, I feel sorry for her.

If she is just a bit of a dick who likes to feel superior to others, then cut her loose OP. I don't understand why you need the permission of Mumsnet to do so?

This thread feels unhealthy. It feels like it's giving a lot of people with an unhealthy obsession with weight loss, the chance to discuss their obsession and validate each other. We all know (don't we?) that this is a common issue among those with disordered eating. I used to love to join groups on here and similar places and share how few calories I had managed to consume each day. Made me feel great. Wasn't very good for me. I look back at pictures of myself now and realise that, yeah I looked great in my clothes - but my skin and my hair were horribly unhealthy - basically I looked famished. But I loved watching myself disappear in the mirror...

OP, your friend may be unwell. If so, give her your compassion. Or she may just be nasty and smug - if so, swerve her going forwards.

But why the need to argue about her views on here with others who feel similar? What is anyone gaining from this thread?

Yes. And they're very much akin to 'reformed' smokers.

Preachy. Smug. And judgemental af.

I said are fat. Not were fat.

She doesn't sound like she'd be fun at a party.

Lordy, she’s made a valid comment, she makes healthy choices, this doesn’t mean she’s an eating disorder nor does it mean if someone agrees with her they also do.

I don’t think it’s a simplistic as a “choice” beyond choosing not to go on a diet/exercise at a particular time in one’s life. Never mind medication and/or disability. Genetics play a factor too - how many people can eat absolute crap even drink like fish yet stay slim. I know loads like that.

Weight gain for some is much faster than others. Weight loss is harder for some than others. One person’s slightly restricted diet is another person’s virtual starvation if they’re going to see any results. And then they’ve got to maintain it. Same with exercise - types, intensity, frequency, accessibility, timing etc. Tons of variables, because people are variable.

Meanwhile life and kids and family and home and work and dressing appropriately must go on. The truth is, if it were as simple as the word “choice” we’d all be at the ideal weight for our height/build (there’s those genetics again…!) 🤷‍♀️

But all of that is a choice, all you’ve said is some times life gets in the way of those choices, or they are hard, not they are not choices.

no one is saying it’s easy, what’s being said is it is a choice. No one force feeds us. We chose to consume what we consume. No matter how hard it is not to.

It's a bit reductive- there are all sorts of factors that make it easier or harder to lose weight and maintain that loss- but she's not wrong and in relation to being slim she's clearly right, in that staying slim is the result of a series of choices. More complicated in relation to be overweight/obese, where there is growing evidence that once someone has gained the weight various biological systems then kick in to make it harder to lose it (although it is still possible).

She sounds tedious and annoying though.

I've had periods of anorexia in my life. I didn't want to be fat. Societal judgement was part of the problem. I guess I was also making a 'choice'. I chose not to put food in my mouth.

She is right to be honest. I've been up and down with weight in my life and when I've gained weight it's because I've eaten terribly and not exercised. Since the start of the year, I've been regimented in my eating and worked out several times a week and got in good shape. That was my choice and it worked.

For me though, it does take a lot of discipline, I absolutely love takeaways/fast food as well as chocolate, cakes, biscuits etc. so it takes a lot a willpower to resist these when shopping and only have healthy options in the house.

Also, because it's a choice, I wouldn't dream of ever saying this to anyone or judging them unless I thought their health was in danger. Much like all choices, they're free to make theirs and I'm free to make mine and their choices have no impact on me.

But you're assuming the word choice means "it's easy". It doesn't.

An example of choice is this, today is Sunday, many people will have a roast dinner.

the choice is

chicken with skin on, some roasties, gravy, butter on the veg,
or

a small portion of lean breast meat, veg with no butter, no gravy, boiled potatoes with no butter or cream.

no oen forces us to eat the first choice. Sure the second maybe miserable, but it’s a choice we make. As is the portion size. We can chose to eat too much, instead of just sitting with the feeling of want, hunger or deprivation

an easy choice no, but pretending it’s not a choice and we are forced to eat option one is ludicrous.

same as this.

choice 1, a small bowl of porridge for breakfast, made with water, wirh a few berries,

choice 2, 2 bits of sourdough, eggs and avocado.

we are not forced to chose option 2.

or this,

a bowl of soup and a ham sandwich to go with it,
or

a bowl of soup

we are not forced to eat the sandwich too, we chose to do so, because we want it, we feel hungry, we don’t feel satiated.

but this doesn’t mean it’s not a choice.it is. And it’s all these choices that lead to us being overweight,

Anorexia is a mental illness and a seperate subject, most people who are overwieght are not suffering from mental illness that caused it.

It’s not nice of her to be so judgmental of people. I’m surprised the vote has gone the way it has. I voted that you are not being unreasonable. All sorts of things come into play and medical conditions, health and social inequalities pay a big part. She sounds joyless and smug and I’d give her a wide berth. At some point (soon) keep mentioning (if you do choose to see her) how being judgmental is truly awful. Not a nice trait to have.
Good luck with losing your few pounds. It’s hard especially as we get older. I’ve taken mounjaro and it’s been amazing. I bet your ‘friend’ is judgemental about that too!!!

This isn't the kind of argument where one of you is right and one wrong, it's different opinions and ways of phrasing things. She probably thought you were close enough and secure enough to handle being challenged and having a discussion on a complex topic.

You are not uncomfortable because she thinks a certain way, you are grumpy that you don't feel you won the argument and want people here to put you back in your comfort zone by agreeing with you and essentially bitching about your friend.

Grow up OP, you won't have many friends left if you fall out with people this easily.

Is it possible she clumsily articulated an approach to life, for her it is to prioritise her health, exercise regularly and eat healthily. In her mind they are choices other people can make, but may not choose to.

This makes no sense. Nothing you said says it’s not a choice, all yo7 said was different factors influence our choices.

youve then hurled some abuse at the friend. Nothing sounds smug, joylpus or judgmental, she made a valid comment. The judgmental is from the op.

I completely agree with her.

I am a slim size 10 but have very strong family history of type 2 diabetes and also had gestational diabetes when I was pregnant.

It would be very very easy for me to pile on the pounds if I woke up one day and ate whatever I wanted and never exercised.

I choose to make healthy choices so I don't get fat. Some don't make that choice and that's up to them but most of the time it is a choice.

and obesity, as defined by those qualified to do so, is a recurring chronic disease impacted by many complex factors beyond choice

Addiction is also a recognised mental illness.

most people who are overwieght are not suffering from mental illness

In terms of obesity who are you to determine the cause? Overeating can be as complex an issue as undereating. And as challenging to control.

Why do you feel so strongly that you'd end the friendship?
People who actively choose to eat well/ work out etc in order in keep a healthy weight... That's their choice.
People who are over weight in general (not medication related) eat too much and don't burn off as many calories as they eat. That too is a choice.

I’d drop her myself, she sounds like a crashing bore.

My Dutch friend is like this! She told me I should get a tummy tuck. Not wrong, in fact but funds don’t allow. I quite enjoyed her lack of filter.