To not want MIL involved in the same way as my mum

[mtrkk]

I know how this sounds, but I’m wondering if I’m being unfair.

I’m a SAHM with 3 kids. DH’s family are very wealthy, mine are ordinary. I sometimes feel MIL thinks being generous should automatically make us really close.

My mum is the person I ring if I’ve had a bad day, have something exciting to share, just fancy a chat or need advice how to wash a stubborn stain off. She’s… my mum. MIL wants that sort of relationship too, but it doesn’t feel natural because we don’t have that history.

When I had my youngest, my mum came over and cleaned the kitchen because I’d been up all night. MIL arrived with loads of expensive baby clothes (which was lovely), but kept saying she’d take the baby so I could “do something useful”. I actually just wanted to sit cuddling my newborn.

She’s also very organised. It’ll be “I’ve booked lunch for everyone on Sunday” or “We’re all going to the country house next weekend.” It feels more like an expectation than an invitation. She’s surprised if I say lunch at 1 won’t work and mumbles something about the fact that if my baby’s tired he can just nap in the pram or my middle child will learn to enjoy seafood if I expose her to it enough.

The money side makes me uncomfortable too. She paid for BIL and SIL to go on an amazing holiday last year, and now they’re at her house all the time. MIL is forever treating them to holidays, shopping trips and things for the children. She’s offered us the same sort of things, but it feels like there’s an expectation that we’ll become just as involved. The other day she actually said “Your SIL always says yes, why can’t you”. I also cringe a little at big logo t clothes and MIL asks why is my daughter rarely dressed in outfits that have DIOR written in large font on the front.

My mum sees the children more because she lives nearby and she’ll pop over if I need to take one child to the dentist or if I’ve run out of milk. It’s just everyday life.

MIL gets upset that she’s not included in those sorts of things too, but I don’t know how to explain that you can’t recreate the relationship I have with my own mum. Also MIL wants to come over as often as my mum but for things that’ll be fun for her rather than useful to me (ie she’d like to come over and play with our toddler for only as long as the toddler is in a good mood, in case of tantrum I should swoop in or if anyone gets dirty I clean them up, my mum is happy to come over for 2hrs whilst I pop to the hairdressers and she’ll handle all the tantrums, snack requests in the meantime)

It’s not that I don’t like her. We see her regularly, she’s involved with birthdays, Christmas and school events.

DH thinks I’m being unfair because if my mum can come and go as she pleases, why shouldn’t his?

To me they’re completely different relationships.

Agree with this too also OP I think you need to be a little more assertive in what you need from her. No harm in being a bit more blunt if she can take it.

I do think as well if she was a bit more hands that often backfires as well because some people don’t like their MILs doing anything that isn’t their way!

I adored all 4 of my grandparents and had a lovely relationship with them all. My mums parents had lots of grandchildren but my dad’s parents only had my sister and I, so things with each were very different and the vibe was different, neither was ‘better’. Since I’ve been a mother myself, I have appreciated my own mums input into this, I have thanked her for making the effort with her ILs to such a degree I never made a distinction. Now I’m older, I can clearly see I’m more like my paternal grandparents and love that I was close to them too. You don’t have to have the same relationship with your mil as you do with your mum, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be close at all, being close with her doesn’t take anything away from your mum.

I agree with this as well and think you do need to play on her strengths even if they’re different to your mums.

For example, my MIL is full of energy and will happily take the kids out and about, visiting family or to the shops, days out etc. My mum finds that kind of thing stressful but loves to have the DC over to play in their large garden, invites the neighbours kids round so they can all play together, has loads of water toys, has planted vegetables with the DC etc.

You do seem to have a bit of a chip on your shoulder about the wealth as well, sorry OP.

It sounds like you see your own mum more because your mum helps you. Whereas your MIL expects you to put yourself out to help her be entertained by your children. Seeing her makes your life more difficult rather than easier. She is not respectful of you and treats you like a nanny or babysitter who should serve her, rather than as a family member where service should be reciprocal. She uses her wealth as a tool to manipulate you by buying concert tickets without asking you if it's convenient for you, and then attempting to guilt-trip you or control you by saying you are ungrateful for not using them.

Under these circumstances, it makes sense that you see your own mother more. I wouldn't change anything unless you want to ask your DH to sit down with his mother and tell her that if she wants to see more of the children she needs to stop treating you like the children's nanny, accept that she doesn't have authority over you, and accept that it is not acceptable to make MORE WORK for you while pretending she's just being a generous MIL. I doubt she would listen if he said that - more likely she would be very offended. But her hearing that and acting on it, is the only approach that I think is likely to change things in the way she wants.

I had a MIL like that (well, maybe worse) and it was hell. My ex used to be away for extended periods and she really, really tried hard to encroach in every aspect possible.

All her good deeds came at a cost. She threw a fit when we didn’t agree to the nursery she wanted (far from ours, close to hers), then nagged me to pay for the one we chose, eventually we gave in to shut her up… then she’d frequently show up there unannounced. Honestly, just awkward all around.

Of course it’s a different relationship than with your own mother. It’s not as relaxed or informal.

Now that would be my MIL & it really would be that she has so little confidence that she would be afraid of doing it wrong!

There were no nannies either!

I think she takes not wanting to overstep to the absolute extreme!

I feel for your MIL. She just wants a relationship with her DGC. My DGPs had very different income levels but I had the same relationship with them both.

I think you are fortunate you've got the support from both sides.

She does make an effort! Just not a 100% equal one! And that’s perfectly fine, and normal.

It’s a different relationship. My mum could pop over whenever, and I didn’t care if I was in a state of undress, the house was a mess….the kids were ratty…I was in the middle of dinner. But I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else around. I expect my SIL eels the same way about her mum (my Mil) as I do mine. It’s not that controversial is it?

OP, I completely understand where you’re coming from. The thing about husbands is that they never have to field their MIL on their own, whereas it’s taken for granted that because the wife’s MIL wants to see the DGC, her DIL will make herself and DC available when DH isn’t there. I understand that your MIL wants to be involved - but very clearly on her own terms. If she had nannies, she probably thinks child-rearing is a piece of cake because she never had to do the hard yards. And she is clearly not a hands-on Grandmother, if she can’t even wipe a few sticky fingers with a babywipe, or cut up a child’s dinner. It’s very unrealistic of her, thinking she can drop in during the week like your own DM - as you say, you simply don’t have that relationship. As for “DH thinks I’m being unfair because if my mum can come and go as she pleases, why shouldn’t his?”, tell him: she can come and go as she pleases when he’s at home, and only when he’s at home. That, really, is the crux of the matter - MIL wants to see the DC and she sees you because you are there with them. It’s not even a bit the same as having your own DM there, which is why I am at pains only to visit my own DS and family when he’s at home. My DIL is lovely, and she’s also very close to her own mother, who lives a lot closer than I do. I don’t understand why on earth your DH would think that you should have the same relationship with your MIL as with your own mother.

Mil sounds not confident around young children. Rather than rude from that update.

She had Nannie’s do everything and just thinks she’s going to fail and publicly if it’s in front of people.

Id try asking her to babysit at her house for half an hour here and there. She will have to chop up some food and burp a baby. Drop them off and just drive to a coffee shop and enjoy a coffee then pop back.

This. She sounds pretty nice.

Have a look at the thread about the MIL being cold after her son and DIL spilt. Honestly it's not worth making the extra effort, she's not your family.

From experience - there is a huge difference between a MIL who won't change a nappy or make their own cup of tea versus anyone else who comes round to see the baby/children and give you a break so makes their own tea and looks after the child not just has a cuddle while they're happy and then hands them straight back the minute they need changing, feeding or entertaining.

Sometimes it's the other way round - the MIL is the 'takes it all in their stride' great company and the Mum is the one that comes round and expects to be waited on.

Whichever way round, one is helping and is great company and the other is making demands and has conditions attached to everything which is exhausting and full of entitlement. YANBU. DH should help navigate this and have more contact with his Mother.

Your mum is your mum you can’t recreate that with anyone else. However if she can come and go to be fair to DH when he’s home his mum should be able to too. MIL doesn’t really sound like that’s what she actually wants to do though. She sounds mainly ok to me tbf. A nice MIL but not your Mum just as your mum will never replace your DH’s mum.

Of course you're being unfair-she is the grandmother just as much! As for recreating a relationship-of course you can. Some people never speak to their birth mums and have good relationships with MIL.
Some of my relatives were more helpful than others, but even the ones who came round and expected to be waited on hand and foot/got in the way were welcomed, because they're my kids' family, and I want to give them the best chance of having a good relationship when they're older. Also, I expect my husband, as a decent guy, would go mad if I excluded his mum (and it's sad when a gran is only getting to see the baby after a divorce).
I invited MIL to everything my mum was invited to-and own mum would have torn a strip off me if I'd tried to exclude her from things like wedding arrangements/antenatal classes etc. If my daughter chooses to marry when she grows up, I will expect to be treated equally to her partner's mum, and equally involved as the baby deserves both grandparents.

If your husband took the children to hers alone would she expect him to do all the ' nannying' ? Or is that just you?

@mtrkkI have a young relative with two young children. He works from home all the time, his wife works in the city( big job). She is not around much. His mother lives nearby and does a couple of days childcare a week for them. Her mother, who lives a couple of hours away got upset that she doesn’t see the children as often. The husband, who is a nice man and loves his wife suggested that his MiL came up for two days and spent the night with them so she got to see the children. Yes, he prefers having his mother around all day. She makes him lunch and does things he remembers as a child. However, he is a kind and nice man and he can see that it is important to his wife and MIL to be equally involved in childcare. He is a nice man. Hooray for the fathers who don’t feel they have to be in competition with their parents in law and are kind. Being kind is underrated on MN.

I would just relax and let my DH steer the relationship. It’s his mum, so he can organise the visits, etc. He should be an equal partner in this aspect of parenting. Let him and his mum hang out with DC and you go and have a coffee/read a book. Good habit to get into for the future and a good habit to model for your DC: i.e. it’s not women’s role to manage all the family relationships. (They’ll be subtle push back of course. These views are so entrenched.)

This!!!

Or just be honest and say something like, "Please can you just do it, I really need your help". If she still doesn't help you after essentially begging for her help, then fuck her and keep the relationship as it is. Explain clearly to your DH that she refuses to help, even when you really need it and have pleaded, and she's more of a hindrance than a help!

this I think

But it's not "support" really is it, if one Nanny can't so much as change the baby or cut a meal up.
It becomes harder would and I suspect OP feels like the company of MIL is similar to the burden of another child to manage and monitor!

I’m sorry @mtrkk but this sounds miserable. You should not be made to feel like “The Help” in your own family and in your own home. You need to decline the invitations to ‘relaxing’ days out that are actually hard work, and spend more time prioritising yourself. Don’t be a doormat. Best of luck.

I am a ML and grandma to three children under 6. I live 5 miles away from my son and DIL. I accept that I won’t have the same relationship with my DIL as she does with her own mum but it does make me sad that I miss out on a lot of the ‘fun stuff’ when it comes to my grandsons. Their other granny lives 4 hours away but visits regularly - which is great of course. She has visited Santa with the children every Christmas, been on many weekend breaks away and countless shows and events. I am not invited as a general rule. I’ll get a call if the eldest needs picking up from school or if I’m needed for babysitting duties but that’s about it.
I am not demanding and there hasn’t been a fall out between me and DIL. I was very close to my own mum but by the time my children arrived my MIL had passed away there wasn’t the need to ‘share’ the grandchildren.
I was once invited to a National Trust event (the other granny wasn’t available) but asked to keep it under my hat.

Yes absolutely! My mil only offered to have one child, the eldest for a few hours if she was in a good mood, otherwise she’d bring her back! She’d only do it if I was cleaning as the house needed it! Like you, I wanted to sit and hold her! We were never close and I always felt judged for my messy house!

Your MIL sounds super annoying. What sort of adult who has had their own children can't even wipe a child's sticky hands, feed a toddler, cut up food or change a nappy? It would drive me absolutely nuts.

I can see why you being relegated to the role of a paid nanny while your MIL enjoys all the 'fun (easy) bits' of having children or grandchildren would really get on your nerves.

Your husband sounds rather defensive because you spend more time with your mum when he is at work. You need to tell him that your mum lightens your load, while his mum doesn't. In fact, hosting her makes more work for you.