To not want MIL involved in the same way as my mum

[mtrkk]

I know how this sounds, but I’m wondering if I’m being unfair.

I’m a SAHM with 3 kids. DH’s family are very wealthy, mine are ordinary. I sometimes feel MIL thinks being generous should automatically make us really close.

My mum is the person I ring if I’ve had a bad day, have something exciting to share, just fancy a chat or need advice how to wash a stubborn stain off. She’s… my mum. MIL wants that sort of relationship too, but it doesn’t feel natural because we don’t have that history.

When I had my youngest, my mum came over and cleaned the kitchen because I’d been up all night. MIL arrived with loads of expensive baby clothes (which was lovely), but kept saying she’d take the baby so I could “do something useful”. I actually just wanted to sit cuddling my newborn.

She’s also very organised. It’ll be “I’ve booked lunch for everyone on Sunday” or “We’re all going to the country house next weekend.” It feels more like an expectation than an invitation. She’s surprised if I say lunch at 1 won’t work and mumbles something about the fact that if my baby’s tired he can just nap in the pram or my middle child will learn to enjoy seafood if I expose her to it enough.

The money side makes me uncomfortable too. She paid for BIL and SIL to go on an amazing holiday last year, and now they’re at her house all the time. MIL is forever treating them to holidays, shopping trips and things for the children. She’s offered us the same sort of things, but it feels like there’s an expectation that we’ll become just as involved. The other day she actually said “Your SIL always says yes, why can’t you”. I also cringe a little at big logo t clothes and MIL asks why is my daughter rarely dressed in outfits that have DIOR written in large font on the front.

My mum sees the children more because she lives nearby and she’ll pop over if I need to take one child to the dentist or if I’ve run out of milk. It’s just everyday life.

MIL gets upset that she’s not included in those sorts of things too, but I don’t know how to explain that you can’t recreate the relationship I have with my own mum. Also MIL wants to come over as often as my mum but for things that’ll be fun for her rather than useful to me (ie she’d like to come over and play with our toddler for only as long as the toddler is in a good mood, in case of tantrum I should swoop in or if anyone gets dirty I clean them up, my mum is happy to come over for 2hrs whilst I pop to the hairdressers and she’ll handle all the tantrums, snack requests in the meantime)

It’s not that I don’t like her. We see her regularly, she’s involved with birthdays, Christmas and school events.

DH thinks I’m being unfair because if my mum can come and go as she pleases, why shouldn’t his?

To me they’re completely different relationships.

that makes no sense at all, the OP is not asking the MIL for favour, why should she hide away, out or in an office, to avoid her?

100%!

op clearly IS spending a lot of time with her MIL and not cutting her out in any way shape or form.

I swear people on here don’t even try to read what’s being written

there are two things going on here

1. your mum is your mum. That relationship has nothing to do with anyone else. Your mum is doing stuff to help and support you because she is your mum. Of course she is going to be closer when you have a baby. Your husband needs to understand that and have a relationship with his own mother. ( and father)
2. MIL and your mum are both the baby's grandparents. Your husband also needs to facilitate that grandparent relationship with his own parents (its more on him than you) but he also needs to understand that your mum and your MIL are different roles and he needs to shut up about what is fair. You need to support the grand parent relationship but also recognise that its going to be different for you, so stop comparing them so closely. Some grandparents are better when the kids are different ages, eg older or teens. Now you need your own mum more but Mil might come into her own later, given the chance. Give her a place but be clear to your other half that she might never be as close to you as your own mum and that is nothing to do with being fair, and everything to do with being your mum. Does your husband spend as much time/effort with your dad as his own? I think he is not really thinking and just trying to get his mum off his back.

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@ThisSereneGoose Because the husband has to work very long hours in order for his wife to be a SAHm. He does not have the opportunity to see his mother during the week. If the OP shared the financial responsibility for the household, the husband might be able to drop down to 4 or 3 days a week and see his parents then.

@Tangit
I honestly don’t think she’d let me. If I said “I’m just popping to the hairdresser, see you in a couple of hours,” she’d immediately say, “Oh no, don’t worry, I’ll come another day”. If I tried to nip to the supermarket, she’d probably suggest we all go together or, more likely, I take the kids with me and she returns after we’re done.

@namechangedasexpected
The same response as to @ThisSereneGoose . When does the husband get the time to see his parents? His wife the OP, doesn't work. If she did work, he could drop a day and see his parents then.
See also my post about the young male relative who worked from home but whose wife worked up in the city. He made an effort to not just use his (local) mother for childcare but made an effort to include his MIL who lived further away. Of course, he likes his own mother being there looking after the grandkids, but he is a nice man. A kind man . He understands that his wife is not at home during the week and tries to involve his MIL anyway. But he is a nice man, a kind man. Hooray for him.

Actually we don't know that he "has to work very long hours in order for his wife to be a SAHM"

It's entirely probable that the reverse is true - the DH was already a workaholic/ very career driven before he got married, and can only combine this with fatherhood if his spouse is a SAHM.

Plenty of men who work long hours and have children can only do both because their wife does everything domestic and child related. As the OP and her husband have three children including a baby and a small toddler (going from the comment about asking MIL to spoon feed a child while op sees to the baby) it's hardly surprising they've decided as a couple that for now one parent is at home given the other works long hours.

It is a little unfair. Sadly it’s the way it is when a DS has a child.
She sounds like a generous person.
Can you give her a little extra? Ask DH to bring the children to her at times.
She is a grandmother too and she will be in second place to the maternal grandmother.

I get so irritated with my other half/the grandparents when they ask my children to do things that they should be telling them to do, and I think you're making the same mistake with your MIL!

Don't ask her if she wants to wipe your child's hands, say "MIL, please wipe X's hands whilst I deal with Y". Then it's a clear instruction. Obviously accompanied by a polite tone and smile!

Have you had an honest conversation with her about all this and explained the differences between what it's like when your mum is with you vs. her? If not, I think you should be brave and explain it all to her and then ask if she wants to step up to the same level of care as your mum (gently, of course) and if she doesn't that's fair enough! But in that case you'd prefer to keep to seeing her on weekends with your DH present so you do have that extra pair of hands around, especially when out and about at restaurants etc. No parent would choose to go alone to a restaurant with their 3 kids, which is essentially what you're doing if you go out with her!

My Mum was similarly useless at first with my kids whereas my MIL is the super grandma - my Mum has got much better as I've been braver in telling her how to do things for the kids and what would really help me out / what is just a hindrance.

ETA: I full on cringed at the bit about the Dior logo tops OP! I strongly disagree with people saying you should be grateful for being gifted awful clothes for your children. It's so awkward being given clothes you know you're never going to dress your kids in - they just clutter up your house until you can reasonably say they've outgrown them and get rid.

I'd make it clear to your DH that you are too busy to entertain his mother more than you already do, but if she wants to roll up her sleeves and actually help out as your own mother does, then of course she could be over more. Really, if she is complaining she doesn't get enough time with the kids, that is on her. She isn't willing to babysit, help out, or do anything other than sit and enjoy the perks. So how can she complain? She wants more time? She can babysit!

For those taking pity on this woman, please read the posts and see how much time she does get, and how little she helps versus OP's mother. She has nothing to complain about!

It reads as if you are fully on while your MIL visits, and that you quite rightly feel your week is busy enough without it.

Tell your husband that you don't try and dictate his working day, and likewise you won't have him dictate yours.

Does your husband do much sole caring for the children?
If not, perhaps it's time he did.

@Cherrytree86
my husband earns far more than I could, so it would make no sense to financially. It would also mean he can’t work any hours he likes as we’d have to share childcare and juggle pick ups and drop offs. It would also make me unhappier as I’d spend less time with my kids and him unhappier as he wouldn’t be able to do as much for his career.

so because of an entitled MIL, you want an entire family to change their schedule and lifestyle, only to please a woman jealous that someone has a relationship with their own mother

Are you serious? 😂

the husband might be able to drop down to 4 or 3 days a week
and back in the real world, no it doesn't work like that either 😂

I don’t understand how you feel like a nanny when the children are yours. And you are a sahm.

@B206
See the OP's latest post. She doesn't want to work because it would make her unhappy to spend less time with their children.

This. 👍

That is a very controlling attitude.

which is perfectly reasonable and a decision between you and your husband. He decided to have 3 kids too didn't he? How the home life is organised is up to you 2.

It's not the problem of you not seeing your MIL,
it's the MIL being jealous that the mum has a more casual relationship. 😂
She's ridiculous and you are doing nothing wrong

and that's wrong because...?

Well if she's not used to looking after 3(?) young kids then a couple of hours or nipping to the supermarket could seem like too long.

Er @ThisSereneGoose Yes it does. There is more pressure for men to be able to share childcare . This is the 21st century not the 1950s. If the husband is working long hours so the OP is not unhappy from having to share financial responsibility, perhaps she might be kind and involve his mother more. See the story about my lovely nephew who works from home but makes a big effort to involve his MIL even though his Mum, my sister, is just round the corner. But he is a nice man, a kind man.

@ThisSereneGoose . Because it makes the OP's husband unhappy that his mother is not involved.
'DH thinks I’m being unfair because if my mum can come and go as she pleases, why shouldn’t his?'
See also the lovely story about my nephew who is a kind man making a big effort to involve his MIL in childcare even though his mother is local. He is a good man and would hate to make his wife and MIL unhappy though.

hold on, what's wrong with a mother WANTING to spend time with her own children?

Yes, it's the 21st century, and being a SAHM is a perfectly valid choice.

The MIL is involved! Read the OP. She is just jealous the OP's mum is closer to her own daughter and more present. Where does the OP not seem kind?

Why doesn't MIL concentrate on her own relationship instead of making stupid comparisons?

It's the 21st century, women have learnt they don't lose their identity when they become a mother, and they can put healthy boundaries with MIL from hell, because they matter. It's how it should be.

Have you read the whole of the short post you are directing me to? He would be unhappy if he weren't able to focus on his career.

The OP will be the one in a precarious position in years to come, with very little in her own pension, diminished career opportunities and possibly no actual personal savings. Being a SAHM long term is not in a woman's best interests and tends to benefit the spouse who is able to accelerate his career, earnings and pension pot.

I wouldn't encourage anyone to be a SAHP long term, but her youngest is still a baby and it's clearly a decision her husband has at least as much to gain from and one they've agreed on.

I'm not sure why you loathe SAHMs, but I think you're barking up the wrong tree thinking she's forcing her poor little husband to slave away so she and the children can spend their days frittering away "his" money with her mum...

Your mum is your mum - enough said. Of course your relationship with your mother-in-law won't be the same. However they are both your children's grandmothers and I'm sure you would want the children to have good relationships with both?

You sound a bit 'chippy' about the wealth side of it and I don't understand why. How lovely that you have a mother-in-law who wants to treat everyone. She sounds very generous and also is trying to do the right thing. It wouldn't hurt to say 'yes' to some treats. Maybe try and lighten up a bit with your mother-in-law - remember the only person who can make you feel inferior is actually yourself.

You're in a fortunate position that you don't need to work, but I would suggest when the children are older you at least do some voluntary work or maybe something part time, which would definitely improve your self esteem.

Don't see problems where there aren't any. Try giving mother-in-law the benefit of the doubt.