To not want MIL involved in the same way as my mum

[mtrkk]

I know how this sounds, but I’m wondering if I’m being unfair.

I’m a SAHM with 3 kids. DH’s family are very wealthy, mine are ordinary. I sometimes feel MIL thinks being generous should automatically make us really close.

My mum is the person I ring if I’ve had a bad day, have something exciting to share, just fancy a chat or need advice how to wash a stubborn stain off. She’s… my mum. MIL wants that sort of relationship too, but it doesn’t feel natural because we don’t have that history.

When I had my youngest, my mum came over and cleaned the kitchen because I’d been up all night. MIL arrived with loads of expensive baby clothes (which was lovely), but kept saying she’d take the baby so I could “do something useful”. I actually just wanted to sit cuddling my newborn.

She’s also very organised. It’ll be “I’ve booked lunch for everyone on Sunday” or “We’re all going to the country house next weekend.” It feels more like an expectation than an invitation. She’s surprised if I say lunch at 1 won’t work and mumbles something about the fact that if my baby’s tired he can just nap in the pram or my middle child will learn to enjoy seafood if I expose her to it enough.

The money side makes me uncomfortable too. She paid for BIL and SIL to go on an amazing holiday last year, and now they’re at her house all the time. MIL is forever treating them to holidays, shopping trips and things for the children. She’s offered us the same sort of things, but it feels like there’s an expectation that we’ll become just as involved. The other day she actually said “Your SIL always says yes, why can’t you”. I also cringe a little at big logo t clothes and MIL asks why is my daughter rarely dressed in outfits that have DIOR written in large font on the front.

My mum sees the children more because she lives nearby and she’ll pop over if I need to take one child to the dentist or if I’ve run out of milk. It’s just everyday life.

MIL gets upset that she’s not included in those sorts of things too, but I don’t know how to explain that you can’t recreate the relationship I have with my own mum. Also MIL wants to come over as often as my mum but for things that’ll be fun for her rather than useful to me (ie she’d like to come over and play with our toddler for only as long as the toddler is in a good mood, in case of tantrum I should swoop in or if anyone gets dirty I clean them up, my mum is happy to come over for 2hrs whilst I pop to the hairdressers and she’ll handle all the tantrums, snack requests in the meantime)

It’s not that I don’t like her. We see her regularly, she’s involved with birthdays, Christmas and school events.

DH thinks I’m being unfair because if my mum can come and go as she pleases, why shouldn’t his?

To me they’re completely different relationships.

She is criticising the OP's parenting though - a lot of different comments about food and criticising how they are fed are mentioned specifically.

OP, I can see this isn't ideal for you, you would prefer MIL to be a bit more hands on (like your mum).

But, can you recognise that this is still a LOT better than some MILs (or FILs / mums / dads) who aren't really interested in their grandchildren at all?

I think you should try to facilitate the relationship between MIL and your DC. It's ok to wish that she was a bit more helpful, while also accepting that this is how it is and doing your best to make it work.

That’s a bit bitchy. OP doesn’t have to enjoy or support situations in shich she is reduced to the status of the help so her MIL can have a fake grandmother experience just like she had a fake mother experience.

I completely understand where you’re coming from, OP. Your own mother is someone around whom you can relax, act naturally, and get the help you need. Being around your MIL creates more work for you, and there’s also a sense that she has expectations she thinks you should meet.

This is a really common phenomenon that researchers call “maternal grandparent advantage.”

Op said those comments are said to her husband. Also nothing worse than fussy children and I say that as a parent of fussy bloody children.

I wish I’d given them so many more foods while young rather than sticking to safe easier foods.

I don’t really like my mil so I’m not even a mil lover and I have daughters as well as a son so not a worried boy only mum. I just think op has a bit of a chip on her shoulder about the wealth difference between the two families and how that translates into how children are often raised.

Richer children are more in restaurants expected to behave better and have a wide love of food it’s normal because they have been raised from a young age in that environment.

and I still stand by if the parent is there it’s on them to parent not the grannies regarding wipes and noses and spillages and so on.

Whilst you have explained how she behaves with you and DH around, I am not sure you have explained why you could not leave your kids with her whilst you nip to shops or get a haircut etc. Do you think they would not be safe? I think, in a family group, it is perfectly normal for parents to take full responsibility for their kids. With joint family holidays etc, my parents may have babysat when all kids settled in bed but would not have expected to manage bed time etc.
Why not ask her to do a couple of hours here and there so she feels more needed.

What part of sitting back expecting to be waiting on hand and foot and treating her grandkids like a pay per view entertainment centre she expects to be able to turn on and off at her convenience whilst god forbid she changes a nappy or wipes up a spill, criticising OPs parenting and expecting her dil to wait onnher hand and foot "doing right" exactly?

What..there’s nothing bitchy in my comment at all!

Can I be her daughter-in-law? She sounds great. And btw, seems to me that you've got the best of both worlds in your children's grandmothers. You're very lucky!

Yanbu at all.
If your husband is at work so much, have you considered a home help for a few hours every day or a few days a week?
Well worth it.

Your MIL visiting is more work for you, thats it.

I suggest you stop talki g to your husband and at the weekend when she visits, head out and leave them to it.

If you do it enough, he might get it.
Although she might help him with the children in a practical way if they are on their own, but she won't for you.

She's his mum, that is the difference.

I wouldn't be dreaming on going on holiday with her as you describe the dynamic.

Childrens clothes covered in branding as you describe, are tacky, no wonder you don't like them.
Clearly more money than taste.

Her MIL wants to be involved in the same way as her mum but doesn't want to do what her mum does, that's the crux of it.

Her MIL is already involved in the grandchildren's lives, but prefers to be hosted and have everything on her terms when she sees them. This is fine up to a point, but she can't then complain about not being called on additionally to help the way the OP 's mother is.

My comment to you was because you said you'd rather have a MIL who didn't interfere, but she is interfering by criticising even without doing hands on help.

But a grandparent who expects the kids to always be in a good mood or to just go along with what the adults want is exhausting.

She is trying to buy a relationship. Some people are happy with that. Not everyone is as it comes with expectations

I'm really surprised that no-one seems to have picked up on how controlling and passive-aggressive the MIL seems.

Telling everyone a plan, rather than compromising and finding what suits, is very overbearing (ie. The "I've booked lunch for Sunday" is quite the like it or lump it mentality?)

It's also incredibly manipulative to have said SIL always says yes, why can't you.

Could you maybe suggest your own things to involve MIL when it suits you better?
ie. I'm taking the children to the park tomorrow late morning, if you fancy joining us?

It's difficult. My MIL was never happy for me either and frequently made underhand spiteful comments, so I understand how frustrating it is to try and keep the peace whilst putting the kids first.

OP in your latest posts it seems that there's more to it than her sitting there just enjoying the kids. Do you actively feel that she is expecting you to "host" her? If so then I think you can start laying down some markers.
If you need to nip upstairs, turn you can say that to her.
"So glad you're here, can you just keep an eye while I pop the washing upstairs/nip to the loo/run out the back door screaming? Thanks, won't be a tick."
Then go before she has a chance to say no.
It's time to make YOUR requirements clear.
If she wants to see the GC more often, then she can expect to pick up some slack.
"Could you just grab the little one while I make the tea/how about you make the tea while I change baby's nappy."

I completely agree with this. I feel sorry for the MI too. Sounds like she's trying to do her best and she keeps being pushed away. My MIL was OK but I'd have loved one like the OP's MIL who clearly wants to be involved and help out, if only her daughter in law would let her.

No, doesn’t include my husband.

90% of the time she wouldn’t help even if asked. If one of the children has grubby hands and I say “Do you mind giving them a quick wipe? The wipes are there” she’ll laugh and say something like, “Oh no, you’re much better at that than I am.”
If I’m feeding one child and another asks for their food cutting up, I’ll say, “Would you mind cutting that up for them?” and she’ll joke, “I’ll cut it all wrong.”
Or if I say, “Do you want to feed them a few spoonfuls while I sort the baby?” she’ll smile and say, “No, I think you’re the expert!”
It’s always said in a light hearted way, so it would feel awkward to push it, but the end result is that I still end up doing all the practical jobs

Smile back and say "now's the time to learn - go on, I dare you" and plonk the wet wipes in front of her.

Maybe go back to work, OP, then you wouldn’t have to see her as much? @mtrkk

You've mentioned that mil has 24/7 nannies so she actually has no idea and no confidence dealing with the everyday tasks of raising children.

These are good clear examples that your DH can use to explain why you don't invite your mil to mid week outings and the like.

He needs to explain that you both understand she didn't do these things with her DCs but you're not a perfectionist nor judging her, there's no right or wrong and nothing terrible will happen if she cuts up food differently!

She's obviously also not used to the meltdowns, tantrums, crying etc and avoids situations where this might happen, maybe because she doesn't know what to do in those situations.

It's up to her if she is willing to make an effort, or willing to learn and try and risk.

Ok OP that is super irritating.

My MIL also had Nannies for her DC but if anything that made her more determined to be more hands on with her GC. I have twins so had my hands full and she was very willing to get involved, hold and feed the babies, change nappies. She’s also a very good cook and even now frequently makes dinner for us.

The kind of weaponised incompetence your MIL is displaying would drive me mad and yes it would put me off seeing her as much. That said, she seems to be a decent person. Is there any way you could have a chat with her and express some of this, or even work out what she could reasonably do while she’s with you, and get her to do it - she might even enjoy it.

On the designer clothes thing - I think this is one of those where you thank politely, dress the DC in those clothes when you meet her, then get rid once outgrown. Kids grow out of stuff quickly. Or, you could have an honest chat and point her to stuff you do like - you could say honestly that the big logos aren’t to your taste and you’d much prefer xyz brand, could she have a look at that for you?

My PILs went so crazy the first couple of xmases after I had the twins, we had to have a calm word about the number of presents and they toned it down after that. Yes sounds ungrateful but we and the twins were overwhelmed by the quantity and in a London house had nowhere to put everything, and we barely had time to play with it all before they outgrew it.

What would happen if you just left her to it? For example, drop the children off and go to the hairdresser or she comes to your house and you say, "I'm just popping out to the supermarket, be back in half an hour".
She'd just have to cope and manage without you.

Could you try giving her some 'independence'?

I do see your point OP, but she does at least sound like she’s trying and would like to be close to you and your children. That in itself is lovely and I feel you could try a bit harder to include her, although DH should really be facilitating that more rather than it falling solely to you.

I will just say, is your baby a boy? Imagine 20/30 years into the future, and you are a MIL with a new grandchild. How would you feel? Your MIL loves your DH the way you love your baby. It would hurt to feel left out or second best. You would try everything you can to ingratiate yourself with your daughter in law, and you would want a close relationship with your grandchild.

I think you should accept some of the generosity as it seems rather churlish and stand offish to me. The thing about involving both grandmothers is, too, that you can cover all bases. If she's not the same as your mum, that's no surprise, surely? Think about where her strengths lie and try to work it in. Besides which, anything can happen in the future with your mum. Don't alienate somebody who wants to be onside.

Naturally, the relationship isn't the same as with your own mum, but your behaviour is very aloof and smacks of inverted snobbery. Best thing to do is imagine you have a married son with a child. Would you want to feel involved? And how would you feel about a stand-offish and rather cool daughter in law, when you're only wanting to be part of it all?

Have a rethink.

Right, sorry I missed that bit! As a PP suggested could you invite her over while your mum is babysitting? Then it's up to her to either come along and enjoy or not but she can't really complain either?

This tension is very normal and will ease as your children grow up and have social lives of their own. The trick is to navigate your way there without causing resentment on either side. Not always easy. Remember her heart is broadly in the right place, even if envy is unbecoming and unhelpful. But, equally, stick to your guns: your relationship with your mum is not up for negotiation.