To not want MIL involved in the same way as my mum

[mtrkk]

I know how this sounds, but I’m wondering if I’m being unfair.

I’m a SAHM with 3 kids. DH’s family are very wealthy, mine are ordinary. I sometimes feel MIL thinks being generous should automatically make us really close.

My mum is the person I ring if I’ve had a bad day, have something exciting to share, just fancy a chat or need advice how to wash a stubborn stain off. She’s… my mum. MIL wants that sort of relationship too, but it doesn’t feel natural because we don’t have that history.

When I had my youngest, my mum came over and cleaned the kitchen because I’d been up all night. MIL arrived with loads of expensive baby clothes (which was lovely), but kept saying she’d take the baby so I could “do something useful”. I actually just wanted to sit cuddling my newborn.

She’s also very organised. It’ll be “I’ve booked lunch for everyone on Sunday” or “We’re all going to the country house next weekend.” It feels more like an expectation than an invitation. She’s surprised if I say lunch at 1 won’t work and mumbles something about the fact that if my baby’s tired he can just nap in the pram or my middle child will learn to enjoy seafood if I expose her to it enough.

The money side makes me uncomfortable too. She paid for BIL and SIL to go on an amazing holiday last year, and now they’re at her house all the time. MIL is forever treating them to holidays, shopping trips and things for the children. She’s offered us the same sort of things, but it feels like there’s an expectation that we’ll become just as involved. The other day she actually said “Your SIL always says yes, why can’t you”. I also cringe a little at big logo t clothes and MIL asks why is my daughter rarely dressed in outfits that have DIOR written in large font on the front.

My mum sees the children more because she lives nearby and she’ll pop over if I need to take one child to the dentist or if I’ve run out of milk. It’s just everyday life.

MIL gets upset that she’s not included in those sorts of things too, but I don’t know how to explain that you can’t recreate the relationship I have with my own mum. Also MIL wants to come over as often as my mum but for things that’ll be fun for her rather than useful to me (ie she’d like to come over and play with our toddler for only as long as the toddler is in a good mood, in case of tantrum I should swoop in or if anyone gets dirty I clean them up, my mum is happy to come over for 2hrs whilst I pop to the hairdressers and she’ll handle all the tantrums, snack requests in the meantime)

It’s not that I don’t like her. We see her regularly, she’s involved with birthdays, Christmas and school events.

DH thinks I’m being unfair because if my mum can come and go as she pleases, why shouldn’t his?

To me they’re completely different relationships.

Your MIL is not being generous or organized. She is being controlling.

Using expensive gifts as leverage is a form of control. Making plans and assuming that you will be free for them is controlling.

She is not your mother and of course you are closer with your own mother.

I'd be curious to know what her relationship with her own MIL was like.

As for your DH saying it isn't fair that you should spend more time with your OWN mother over his, I'd ask him how he would feel if your father was demanding to be treated with equal attention as his own father. Wow, that's truly out of line for your husband.

It doesn't sound like the MIL is at all denied access to your children. In fact, it sounds like she is very involved, especially in the fun stuff.

You have the right to spend more time with your own mother. Ask yourself this: If you didn't have the grandchildren, would it be "acceptable" for you to spend more time with your own mother than with your MIL? You are still your own person with your own relationships.

DH and his family are being absolutely unreasonable.

If she's that rich and her life experience is nannies get her to employ one for you. Then when she comes round and only wants the fun parts the nanny can do some actual childcare.

I think that’s just life with children unfortunately. Your own mum goes above and beyond, you’re really lucky there, but it’s not unusual to have full responsibility over your children when a family member comes to visit or you’re on holiday with extended family.

She’s never going to be the same as your own mother. But she sounds like she’s making a lot of effort. And she’s the childrens granny too. Put yourself in her shoes. Imagine your son grown up and married to a woman who is saying what you’re saying.

When he’s off work, but as the op doesn’t work then she could and should do more in the time she has. My now ex husband and I both worked and at times I did the longer hours ans at other times he did. I would never have dreamed of excluding my mother in law from her grandchildren just because we were going through a period of him being at work more than me.

Is she willing to learn? Is your DH keeping her sweet for the financial gains? If not, you should say to him wgat you've said on here and he tells her. I've had to help my Sister to be more responsible around my grandchildren. She was hurt that she wasn't asked to be more involved, but it was because of the same reasons as your's. If she is willing to learn then her and your Mum needs to babysit together while you go to the hairdressers etc. Within two years this will solve itself. If you are going to be in anyway, invite her. You can stand up for your children re food choices. Many adults don't eat seafood.

Surely the lesson is to be a practical, helpful grandparent and not Lady Muck though.

I have both sons and daughters, some grown up but no grandchildren yet. I will actively make sure I'm like my MIL not like my own mother, because my MIL was the genuine, practical grandmother and my own mother a lot like the OP's MIL.

How to behave as a grandparent is a choice.

Right.. but they’re your children..

I don’t get why you think doing the dirty work is anyone else’s responsibility.

I still can't see anything in your post that is so awful about your MIL. And I really don't get these posts that it's only your DHs responsibility to facilitate your contact with his mother. Unless there is some awful abusive behaviour, I think if you have kids with someone you accept you're one family and your kids should have equal relationships with both grandparents regardless on your feelings on who is more useful to you. And if you're at home most, I dont see any reason why you can't invite your MIL round. I did it with mine, because I realise the importance of family relationships.

And this is it. Your MILs role is a grandparent. She's there for your kids and to be there for them. She isn't an unpaid skivvy or there to do your housework. If she's there playing with your kids then that's how it SHOULD be. She sounds like she loves them and wants to be involved, yet you're standing in the way of this because she's not as useful to you. I think your attitude is appalling and selfish.

You may have grandkids one day. Would you not be hurt to be treated how you treat your MIL.

Of course, she wouldn't be able to replace the relationship you have with your mother, and it makes it difficult because you're the one who stays at home.

I have a son and a daughter, and I am in fear of the day that I may get pushed away as the paternal grandma.

It must be hard when one set of grandparents has a lot of money and quite difficult for your mum, who isn't able to flourish with all these expensive gifts and holidays, etc.

Why don't you ask Grandma if she could take the children to a mother and toddler group a few times a month? Maybe she craves some one-on-one time with the little ones. Xx

My friend and l were having a very similar conversation just this morning, doesn't seem to work both ways!

It's more difficult for your MIL to offer to do things in your house, your mum can just walk in and do the washing up or make the beds because she is so at home in your house. MIL is probably worried about offending you if she did those sorts of things. It's a thin line between being a helpful MIL and an interfering MIL.

She sounds lovely and also generous. Count yourself lucky. My FIL is worth a few million and never treats us to anything, ever.

I think you should just say it aloud. You said “MIL gets upset that she’s not included” you can say “MIL im happy for your to babysit the kids but that means you’ll be by yourself and if one of the kids needs a snack, pukes, falls over or needs a nappy change you’ll have to fix the situation. You seem very happy to cuddle and play but have never changed a nappy so I thought that’s the type of relationship you wanted? We are happy to have you here but I didn’t think babysitting was how you wanted it?”

or when she says SIL says yes
”running around after 3 kids when no one else is willing to help feed them or wipe up spills or change them is just extra work for me!” With a tone of ‘)’ha ha you’re so funny!’

@beeble347@OriginalUsername2 that’s the thing - I can’t leave (even 1) with her whilst I head out. Which is fine. But it will breed different relationships, if in one granny‘s presence you relax whilst in the other you feel like you’ve gained another “something” to manage.

OP isn’t saying that. She’s saying that MIL can’t expect to be the one who gets called when she needs a hand with the kids because she won’t actually help. OPs own mother does therefore she’s the one who gets asked to help.

You really don't sound very nice. Do you have sons? How would you feel if you were treated the same way. Mother-in-laws can't do right for wrong sometimes. Having a good relationship with your mum doesn't mean you can't have an equally (if not different) good relationship with your MiL.

I'm really glad I dont have the same expectations and demands on parents and in-laws as some people do on here. Neither my mum nor my MIL would come into my house and start doing my housework for me. They might offer to do dishes if we've had tea and that's about the most of it. And why on earth would they, it's my house!

I can't ever imagine being so transactional in my relationship, I would moan or begrudge a grandparent from holding their own grandchild and instead think that their main purpose should be to clean my house rather than be with their own grandchild. A child that spends most of the day with me.

A grandparent that wants to spend and spoil their grandchild is a wonderful thing. A relationship between a grandparents and grandchild is so important, one of the most important for a child and that's how it is built on spending time together building memories and sharing experiences.

It seems though that many people, OP included have completely lost sight of this and the most important thing to her is how the relationship benefits her and what unpaid domestic labour she can get our her MIL rather than what is important for her children.

Trying to say something constructive rather than just sympathising... You have repeated several times in the thread that you don't want and can't create the same relationship you have with your mum. Your MIL may be picking up this train of thought as 'You're not my mum. I don't love you. I can't trust you in the same way with the children. You don't look for me properly. You can't see what I need'. Which probably feels quite rejecting.
If you want to improve things, you might try being a bit more open about what you need, eg 'I'm so tired after walking round with the baby all morning and my legs are aching. Would you mind taking Susie to the loo for me/putting on the dishwasher/making us both a cup of tea so that I can sit down for a few minutes?'. It might change the dynamic.

Exactly.

There are a lot of posters who are ignoring this - the main issue - and projecting their own issues with being mothers of sons.

Several of us have pointed out our MILs were more involved because they were more hands on than our own mothers, but this is ignored by the "woe is me, for my offspring has a penis" crowd.

I understand the ‘Invisible nanny’ comment. My MIL was similar.
I think that with the weekends away type scenarios, she’s not yet got used to no longer being head of ‘his’ family. So forgets to factor in his commitments to his wife and DC.
That’s fixable with careful communication. But you absolutely can’t replicate the relationship with your own mum.
She sounds like she wants to help but needs a bit of gentle guidance maybe? Good luck.

I can’t say when I’ve been with my mum or my mother in law that I didn’t still expect to be the parent. So I still did snotty noses and cleaned up spills because they were still my children under my care.

The only times they would be responsible for that would be if they were actually babysitting otherwise they are just guests there for the fun stuff really.

So what mil had Nanny’s id rather a slightly more hands off than an over bearing stepping over me to parent my child grandparent.

Stop looking at grandparent visits as breaks they anit they are just that visits. Also when out for dinner it’s your dh’s job to step in and help parent not your mum or his mum. Maybe nice if they would but they are literally your children. It’s the stuff you genuinely signed up for 🤷🏻‍♀️

Who are these MIL so ridiculously entitled and making such a competition and why?

WHY comparing the relation someone has with their own mother and the relationship YOU have with someone you've known for a couple of year?

How petty and stupid: if her mum is doing this, I MUST be entitled to do the same! ahem..no.

Concentrate on your own relationship instead of being so ridiculously jealous.

Less competition will improve the situation enormously. The MIL IS involved with the kids. She's just not the OP's mum. So?

You and your mum clearly have a fantastic relationship and that is great and should be nurtured. No one expects you to buddy up in
the same way with MIL.

A grandchild’s relationship with their grandmothers is different. Just because your mum helps you more doesn’t mean it’s acceptable to cut out MIL.

Your MIL clearly wants to spend time with the children, loves them and enjoys spoiling them. Sacking her off because she doesn’t do enough chores says more about you than her.

For example, if we’re out for lunch. MIL is happily sitting with the children, chatting and laughing. Once she’s finished her meal she’ll sit back, take a photo, scroll on her phone etc.

Would she help if asked?

I'm hoping that "we" doesn't include your husband!