AIBU to speak to his parents after these messages to my daughter?

[ittakesalongtimr]

Can’t believe I’m writing this but desperate for some advice. DD14 was in a very brief relationship with a boy of 15. About a month. He came to our house a few times and seemed nice, we had a few chats and the same happened when DD when to his house. They go to school together. I don’t know the family at all.
They split up about 3 weeks ago, I’m still not sure why as DD didn’t tell me details but she was very upset for a few days. Hadn’t heard anything about the boy (I’ll call him Matt here) until today when her phone simply didn’t stop buzzing and she looked increasingly worried. She eventually told me tonight he has been messaging her telling her to jump off a bridge and kill herself, and added in messages about how old I am to be a mum of a teenager (not untrue but ouch) and that I’m cheating on my husband with (and then named a dad of someone in DD year). It’s nonsense but I’m upset this rumour has been started and more worryingly I’m upset that my DD received such vitriolic messages about killing herself. DD is adamant she doesn’t want me to speak to police, but I simply don’t feel comfortable doing nothing given I am also being brought into whatever vendetta this boy has. I wondered about going there tomorrow morning, calmly, to speak to his parents and let them know my concerns about the serious nature of the messages he’s sent. I would want to know if my daughter had sent the same kind of message as it feels a bridge too far from normal teenage tiff language.
I do not want to walk into an argument about our children or to try and involve them, but I do feel I need to do something, as it’s so serious that doing nothing feels like letting a bully walk away scot free.

Any advice? Am I being completely naive and this is the worst idea in the world?

You really need to read the post before adding something like this. Not helpful to muddy the waters on an issue this serious because you didn't read OP's post.

Please don’t speak to the boy’s parents OP, especially as you have no screenshots or proof of the messages - if the boy denies it and says your daughter is lying, that will make things a lot more distressing for her.

Please advocate for your daughter and inform the school and the police - she may be upset now but with time she’ll understand. Having you believe her and stand up for her is huge.

Sorry that your daughter is going through this. This boy needs to be stopped.

Yes, it's possible. But it's not done as a routine action. They have to have grounds to do this, it's an extensive process and only done where they are looking for evidence of a serious crime that they are already investigating and therefore have grounds to believe there is evidence on the phone that they need to access. There is no possible way to take your phone to the police, tell them there are abusive deleted messages and get the police to recover those messages based on your account. Just not possible.

Ex teacher and safeguarding lead here.
Inform the police. The parents are unlikely to help and this is serious.

Police

Absolutely not the case that schools should tell you not to name the child involved; if a school has said that to you then someone is massively failing in their role.

If this boy is not reported to the police he may be the next teenager in court for killing an ex girlfriend when the next girl rejects him.

Your daughter is very scared of him, he has some hold over her. I think you need to take this to the police against her wishes. I know that's what you've decided to do. I hope you go through with it.

Don’t interact with the parents . Tell the school and the police. It’s very concerning behaviour .

If he’s acting like this at 15 imagine what he’ll be doing at 30. Police.

14-year old 'in a relationship' - this is the problem, created by you. The boy and his antics and whatever your reaction to it will be, are a corollary.

OP, you don't know the parents of this boy. In theory they should be mortified, apologise profoundly and deal with their son. Most parents would behave like this, given the situation. However, because you don't know them, you have no idea how they will react. They could put the blame firmly on your daughter, and refuse to accept their son is to blame, especially as you have no proof to show them.

You can email the safeguarding lead at your daughter's school. In theory this should be monitored over the holidays. If not, it will be seen come September, and steps can be put in place to keep your daughter safe in school. In the meantime, yes you do need to speak to the police, and get their advice. This lad's behaviour is unacceptable, and he needs to be given the fright of his life, with the police being involved, so he understands the seriousness of his behaviour and the fact he has no right to behave towards another person in this manner.

The police can and will retrieve messages from Snapchat. It just has to go through the correct channels. Before it gets disputed, I've been through a court case of a child where the police retrieved the information needed.

Speak to parents

They will be on a rota, well we are at our school. They will just tell the OP to contact the police. And with the best will in the world, I can’t see them doing much. Unless it’s sustained contact, then they might.

Kids telling other kids to kill themselves is rife in schools. Sad but true.

Also, can’t you set the account to only receive messages from friends, then it won’t matter if he keeps setting up new accounts.

So sorry for your daughter and you.
Haven't read all, but has it been suggested to contact either social services or NSPCC?
https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/reporting-abuse/report/
They will be able to advise you. I have found them very helpful in the past. I don't see any point contacting the boys parents and giving them the heads up. You just need to know how to keep your daughter safe.

Unfortunately OP, you are the adult here regardless of your daughter’s wishes. Confiscate her phone if you havnt already and ensure you can access it so that you can screenshot any new messages that come in today.

Call the police. This boy is dangerous. He remains a danger to your daughter.

your daughter can refuse to speak to them if she wants to. The allegations can still be investigated. You have no idea what evidence is in his phone.

You need to instill to your daughter why what he is doing is a crime and must not be tolerated.

And if you don’t have screenshots and go to the parents. You have no evidence, and give him opportunity to clean his devices.

confiscate her phone now. Police today.

you are enabling his behaviour if you don’t do this.

Safeguarding team at school.

I have a teen son and I would absolutely want to be told if he was sending messages like that!
I would be horrified and would make absolute sure he would never send anything like that again!

From Snapchat itself:

While it's true that we value ephemerality in our Snaps and Chats, some information may be retrieved by law enforcement through proper legal process.

We work with law enforcement and governmental agencies to promote safety on our platform. Snap is committed to assisting law enforcement while respecting the privacy and rights of our users. Once we have received and established the validity of a legal request for Snapchat account records, we respond in compliance with applicable law and privacy requirements.

We regularly support law enforcement investigations, so if you ever feel that a crime has been committed, we encourage you to contact your local law enforcement immediately.

@ittakesalongtimr

Police ASAP - regardless of how your daughter feels, I’m afraid.
Also, definitely email the school & tell them the full details & what you’re doing about it. Update with a crime no. when you have one. Someone will be checking in - they have a duty of care & there are all sorts of safeguarding measures in place to protect students during times they’re not in school so while you might not get a response, it will be flagged. (I work in a school) Also, if needs be, when it gets to the end of the holidays, ask them to contact you to let you know what they are going to do to make sure your daughter is safe from this boy whilst on school property.

What a ridiculous and useless post.

Of course OP needs to inform the police. It may well not blow over and the next girl the boy tells to kill herself may do so.

After going to the police, I think it would be wise to discuss the freedom programme or therapy with your daughter. All too often people seem to repeat a pattern of entering abusive relationships and I'd want to minimise the chances of that happening.

Don’t speak to his parents. They won’t believe you. I think as other posters have said, school and Police. I’m so sorry your daughter is goimg through this.

I was originally reticent about involving the police but this boy has set up a new account to harass your daughter, after she blocked him. That is a worrying escalation in his behaviour. Your daughter may not want to involve the police but she is 14! They don't make the best decisions. Even if Snapchat messages dissapear, you have witnessed them, so the police have eye witness evidence. Take this to the police, for the boys sake as much as your daughters, as his behaviour could well escalate further.

What an absolutely horrible thing for your DD to have to go through.

I'm sending your daughter, you and your family big hugs.