AIBU to speak to his parents after these messages to my daughter?

[ittakesalongtimr]

Can’t believe I’m writing this but desperate for some advice. DD14 was in a very brief relationship with a boy of 15. About a month. He came to our house a few times and seemed nice, we had a few chats and the same happened when DD when to his house. They go to school together. I don’t know the family at all.
They split up about 3 weeks ago, I’m still not sure why as DD didn’t tell me details but she was very upset for a few days. Hadn’t heard anything about the boy (I’ll call him Matt here) until today when her phone simply didn’t stop buzzing and she looked increasingly worried. She eventually told me tonight he has been messaging her telling her to jump off a bridge and kill herself, and added in messages about how old I am to be a mum of a teenager (not untrue but ouch) and that I’m cheating on my husband with (and then named a dad of someone in DD year). It’s nonsense but I’m upset this rumour has been started and more worryingly I’m upset that my DD received such vitriolic messages about killing herself. DD is adamant she doesn’t want me to speak to police, but I simply don’t feel comfortable doing nothing given I am also being brought into whatever vendetta this boy has. I wondered about going there tomorrow morning, calmly, to speak to his parents and let them know my concerns about the serious nature of the messages he’s sent. I would want to know if my daughter had sent the same kind of message as it feels a bridge too far from normal teenage tiff language.
I do not want to walk into an argument about our children or to try and involve them, but I do feel I need to do something, as it’s so serious that doing nothing feels like letting a bully walk away scot free.

Any advice? Am I being completely naive and this is the worst idea in the world?

Sorry OP I know she's the victim here but you need to be having stern talks with your dd. She's a child and as such can't always make the adult decisions around social media use. This isn't just about her it's about the many other women who he's going to spend a lifetime abusing if it isn't nipped in the bud. I don't think you or she really have a choice. You need to take her phone, screenshot the messages and report them to the police. There isn't really an alternative when such a line has been crossed.

No offence but this is why I 100% support the proposed social media ban. It won't stop kids using social media but it will hold them and their parents more accountable and give authorities more power to intervene when shit like this happens and nobody safeguards the children in the middle of it

Schools have a safeguarding email address which is monitored throughout weekends and holidays. At my daughter’s school it’s safeguarding@…

Make the police report and email school. Safeguarding is everyone’s duty as I’m sure you know.

This is the kind of thing that someone at school would do if your child still there? Has term ended?

Speak to your child's HOY and ask them to give the other parent the nod and that means you stay out of it

Yes, I can tell you though from not inconsiderable experience. This has the lowest success rate of anything.!!

So she must have a full fat Snapchat account and not a teen one then, as he wouldn’t be able to contact her from new accounts if she did. There’s a reason the teen accounts exist, and they also have parental controls. I know they can’t change their DOB in a teen account (my 15 year old has one) but not sure if they can to create one. Worth exploring.

Former teacher. I would advise the police. It’s very rare that little Jordan’s parents will say, oh, he’s awful, we are going to decide on how to deal with this so he knows he’s done wrong. And give sincere apologies to your daughter.
They usually double down or go on the attack. It’s been very rare in my experience for parents to take immediate responsibility.

Exactly this. She can beg all she likes and refuse to speak to the Police but she can't stop the Police talking to her and telling her you have the responsibility.keep her safe and that's what you are doing by reporting to them.
Take her phone so she can't delete.
Do not contact him or his parents.

Leave any contact with the parents to the Police

School should have given out a safeguarding contact number for the school holidays ours does. I would contact them. Block him on everything.

The DSL will be someone in leadership and definitely SHOULD be picking up emails.

But police first.

You're in a difficult position op.
Informing the police is of course what you should do but I think the impact of doing this (when your daughter is hysterical about you not doing so) is being minimised here. It could be pretty damaging to your relationship and your dd might choose not to tell you things in the future. You don't want that.
I'd keep talking to her for now. Suggest that she openly screen shots any snap chat messages from him. Snap chat will alert the sender that the messages have been screenshot. He'll wonder why she's doing that ( and will probably know it's so she has the evidence) and it may just prompt him to stop sending messages. Meanwhile, you can continue to talk to her about why informing the police is necessary.
I wouldn't approach the parents.

Don’t confront the parents yourself. Save every message, contact the school - website should have the safeguarding leads name and email and also her head of year and head. Despite the holidays the safeguarding leads and head will definitely be checking emails. If she were my daughter I would 100% making a police report. Speak to your daughter and explain that the ‘kill yourself’ messages take this is well beyond ordinary teenage drama and serious and he needs to know this - hearing it from a police officer rather than you or his own parents os likely to hit home better.

School, in writing. It's a safguarding issue.

@ittakesalongtimr do you know the parents at all OP? What type of family are they?

If you think they will be approachable then I would personally speak to them first but if they are scruffs and likely to do absolutely nothing or start hurling abuse at you, then go to the police.

the school does need to know about this though. Most schools will have staff in for a couple of days at the end of term or beginning of the new school year in September. I think it would be wise to inform them via email just in case things continue into the new school year. You can always go back to them and say that it was resolved by yourself/the police if needed.

Don't go to the parents, you don't know them and you don't know how they will react ( they might turn the tables call the police on you for going to their home to 'harass' them) Let the school and police deal with this as they are impartial.

I think this place is the worst place for advice. Tell the police seriously??? You will end up creating a load of drama for your daughter. This site is absolutely insane. They're kids it will blow over but not with you sticking your oar in making it 1000 times worse!!

I regret not doing it back when my own DD was being bullied but frankly if it was nowadays I’d go straight to the source if you can ever find him alone.

I didn’t as I was worried about legal consequences and the adults in the bullies lives did nothing to help. All cut from the same cloth probably.

It depends. It might blow over or it might cause permanent damage to OP’s DD.

@ittakesalongtimr first port of call would be for DD to block him everywhere, why is he even getting an inch? He shouldn’t be able to contact her.

Report to the school and police.

@ittakesalongtimr Something similar happened to DD when she was that age. This was on Messenger. We printed it out and took it to the boy's parents house.

At first the dad was in denial, but when we arrived home (after stopping at a shop for some milk) the dad and the boy were waiting for us at our house. The dad was furious with his son and said that he was embarrassed at his behaviour and made him apologise.

Ignore the posters saying you are making this about you. It is clear that you aren't.

Ah yes, let’s believe information found on Google, instead of someone that does this for a job 5 days a week for years on end 😂.

As I said, depends on the recipient as well doesn’t it. Someone going through mental health issues may take it more seriously. It’s also clear from op’s description of the incident that what you describe is not what is going on. I stand by what i said.

I've worked in a pastoral role in a secondary school. The school may decide not to take any immediate action (especially as they have now broken up) but they should definitely still be told. They will have a child protection monitoring system, and this will be added to any previous/future concerns and will help to build up a picture of the boy's behaviour.

I appreciate that this doesn't sound all that helpful for the op's daughter atm, but it could be massively helpful in the future. (They may also decide to act on the info straight away, of course; just because you don't see them doing anything doesn't mean that nothing is being done).

What do you mean you can’t name the child? Of course you can! The school won’t name the child to you if something happens there but as a parent you can go and tell them, otherwise how does anything ever get sorted out?

I had an issue with a kid at school using incredibly foul language around my 5 year old son (racist and swearing). I went to the school and said little jimmy has been using this type of language and it needs to stop. They said okay thanks for letting us know, it stopped.

I'd contact the Police for advice, & theschool to let them know what he's doing. At15 years old he's aware of his actions, & he's trying to manipulate her. Talk to your daughter about how you need to deal with this toxic behaviour seriously, involving the authorities for her & his sake.
Good luck in sorting this out.