AIBU to speak to his parents after these messages to my daughter?

[ittakesalongtimr]

Can’t believe I’m writing this but desperate for some advice. DD14 was in a very brief relationship with a boy of 15. About a month. He came to our house a few times and seemed nice, we had a few chats and the same happened when DD when to his house. They go to school together. I don’t know the family at all.
They split up about 3 weeks ago, I’m still not sure why as DD didn’t tell me details but she was very upset for a few days. Hadn’t heard anything about the boy (I’ll call him Matt here) until today when her phone simply didn’t stop buzzing and she looked increasingly worried. She eventually told me tonight he has been messaging her telling her to jump off a bridge and kill herself, and added in messages about how old I am to be a mum of a teenager (not untrue but ouch) and that I’m cheating on my husband with (and then named a dad of someone in DD year). It’s nonsense but I’m upset this rumour has been started and more worryingly I’m upset that my DD received such vitriolic messages about killing herself. DD is adamant she doesn’t want me to speak to police, but I simply don’t feel comfortable doing nothing given I am also being brought into whatever vendetta this boy has. I wondered about going there tomorrow morning, calmly, to speak to his parents and let them know my concerns about the serious nature of the messages he’s sent. I would want to know if my daughter had sent the same kind of message as it feels a bridge too far from normal teenage tiff language.
I do not want to walk into an argument about our children or to try and involve them, but I do feel I need to do something, as it’s so serious that doing nothing feels like letting a bully walk away scot free.

Any advice? Am I being completely naive and this is the worst idea in the world?

I would tell the police. It is serious enough to warrant that. He needs to stop and I would worry he is unpredictable and unchecked may escalate his behaviour. You have no idea what the parents are like, the police is the safer bet in my view.

sidenote - years ago as a young adult I was stalked by a man at university - messages, letters, and standing outside my flat. I didn’t go to the police, I just told the uni. He was publically told to stop and did, which I was grateful for. But I do wonder what he has done since to others and wish I’d gone to the police. I can’t believe he just realised this behaviour was inappropriate.

To your situation. OP I think this boys behaviour needs to be seen by someone in authority and called out as wrong. I hope it will make your DD feel protected.

I voted yabu because you need to protect your daughter and go to the police.

You’re misunderstanding what they’re saying.

Snap saves certain info - account details like IP addresses, phone numbers registered to the account, metadata like location, time stamps, message type (photo vs vid vs message), and other info like that which can be really helpful in criminal cases, memories, saved conversations are also kept and they and will keep unopened messages for 30 days, but once a message is viewed by everyone and deleted, it’s gone. It isn’t backed up or saved on their servers anymore.

If Snap was actually secretly backing up deleted messages they’d be in flagrant breach of privacy laws across the world for storing data in contradiction with their own policies which say their servers auto delete after viewing, and the fines that would be imposed on them would be astronomical. It doesn’t matter if they’re only using them to aid with law enforcement, the data subjects still need to be informed of how long the data is retained. They can’t legally say one thing and do another.

The police can only retrieve what exists, which is messages the users save, or messages snap saves because they have a court order telling them to save messages associated with a certain account.

There is sometimes a chance that additional info can be retrieved a short while after through forensic analysis because some temporary data is saved in the phones cache but that’s overwritten frequently and not always that helpful so it definitely isn’t a given.

No! Police will intervene if this is reported.

Victim-blaming much? In any event, the Freedom programme is not suitable for teens.

This happened to my DD during lockdown. It was going into lockdown that gave her the space to break up with the boy. It culminated in her agreeing to meet him and he attacked her. It all came out about how abusive he was and was sending similar messages to the ones you describe. She was 15 at the time as was the boy. Police were involved and he got a caution (another story). We knew nothing until the attack. We were totally blindsided. My advice is to go the police now don’t put it off.

Good idea I second this. Different situation but I contacted them, had a talk and they took notes. It’s a very unusual situation and I wasn’t sure how seriously they’d take it. They said they would review the details and someone would be in contact 7-10 days. Less than two hours later I had a phone call back and they’re taking it very seriously.

Please, please report to police. I know you DD doesn’t want you to, but you have to be the adult here. What he’s done is illegal. The next girl he says this to might actually kill herself. It happens. He needs stopping.

Forget all the noise around whether the messages can be retrieved on Snapchat, that’s for the powers that be to sort out.

You don’t have an option, and your daughter who is a child certainly doesn’t have an option. You HAVE to report this to the police today. If you do not report this and he tells another girl to kill herself and she does, you could have prevented it.

Not even up for debate.

I’m sorry you and your daughter are experiencing this, and I hope she is ok this morning.

We had a slightly different scenario a couple of years ago but based on that I’d recommend calling the NSPCC for advice - they were incredibly supportive, talked us through options and then they referred us to the relevant agencies (I think this included them contacting the police initially on our behalf). Unfortunately their helpline isn’t open over weekends. Your daughter can also call Childline for independent advice. I was really open with my teenager that we needed advice first to make good decisions to support & protect them, as initially we didn’t know what to do.

The police were also brilliant, as were the safeguarding team at school, and I was grateful for the expertise, support & advice they stepped in quickly to give us as a family.

OP listen to this expert.

GO to the police immediately.

Everything in this. So well surmised. Your dd feelings are understandable but those feelings are the ones that perpetuate boys and men doing these harmful things. There is a good lesson for all that could come from this is you choose to take that path. Difficult I know but OP please do it.

If you haven't done so already, get her phone and screenshot or forward the messages to your phone, before she gets a chance to delete them. Block him on her phone.

Send an email to school. I am sure someone will pick up the email. He will likely do this again and school need to keep an eye.Speak to your daughter again when things are calmer. This is how as women we start to normalise domestic abuse.

exactly.......

Report to police. If any more messages come in, use your phone to film yourself opening them and show what they say. I'd also speak to his parents if they seem the reasonable sort.

DEFINITELY report to police!

I'm not familiar with Snapchat so don’t know if it would work but could you use another device eg iPad to take a photo of the message (rather than screenshot it) ?

Police non-urgent number and safeguarding lead at school. This kind of behaviour at 15 could lead to much worse later. Tell your DD that she is helping other girls as well as herself.

OP this is a very serious matter. A 15-year-old encouraging a 14-year-old to end her life is potentially a criminal offence in the UK, and your daughter's safety comes before her preferences about how you handle it.

You need to take charge and confiscate her phone while you act - explain that this isn’t punishment, as she has done nothing wrong, but it’s to protect her. This is not negotiable - you are the adult, she is the child and you are acting to protect her. Ideally you should screenshot or photograph the messages and see if they’re on auto-backup to cloud services, as screenshots may be there even if she deletes them. You should also make notes of dates and times, of what you've seen yourself - it counts as witness testimony.

If you think she’s in immediate danger ring 999 - that would be my go to if the messages are ongoing - alternatively 101 to report. Tell police she's being coerced into silence and may try to delete the evidence. They can usually forensically recover deleted items so at this point reporting is the main concern and worry about evidence later.

As for your daughter refusing to talk to police, it really doesn’t matter. The boy can be investigated and potentially prosecuted for encouraging or assisting suicide, and also for malicious communications - the police don't need her statement to build a case if other evidence exists, and se may not be his only victim. But you really do need to act quickly if these messages are flooding in.

Her refusal to talk to police is a red flag and it suggests he's controlling her or she's frightened of consequences for him. As difficult as it may be, you need to tell her first and foremost that she hasn’t done anything wrong and none of this is her fault - that she won’t get in trouble for anything, but she is in danger if this continues, and that his behaviour is a crime against her, not a secret between them. She is not responsible for the consequences to him of the choices he made.

You can also ring childline 0800 1111, or NSPCC 0800 800 5000 for advice on safeguarding and reporting without her consent - and how to protect her while you act. Ideally you should also contact the school , but at this point they may have already started the summer holidays.

I wouldn’t approach the parents. You have no idea how they will react and if they suspect you will involve the police they may try to destroy evidence. Your priority is your daughter’s protection, so l would let the police deal with that side of things.

OP, it sounds like you are not about to speak to the police. Everyone is advising you that this is the best course of action, and whilst I understand you’re reluctant to go against your daughter’s wishes when she’s already upset, this is a serious situation and you need to parent. That means you need to take the decision away from her. She is too young and too upset to make the right call. She is thinking about the consequences of further escalation from the boy if she reports him, and to her that is the most frightening and realistic outcome.

So I echo everybody and saying you should report this to the police.

Having said all of that if you are not going to, then you must report to the school and yes, I would report to his parents The parents may be useless or worse aggressive themselves, but equally they may be reasonable people who are absolutely horrified by what he’s done. In a way, it doesn’t matter Once the boy knows his actions are not a secret and that an adult is aware and in control of the narrative, he may just stop. If he doesn’t, you have no choice but police

No-one knows really what the parents are like.

I would not approach them

Any decent parent would feel this way. However, chances are this boy hasn’t become like this out of nowhere….

There is also the possibility that once alerted they will anticipate police involvement and try to destroy evidence.