AIBU to speak to his parents after these messages to my daughter?

[ittakesalongtimr]

Can’t believe I’m writing this but desperate for some advice. DD14 was in a very brief relationship with a boy of 15. About a month. He came to our house a few times and seemed nice, we had a few chats and the same happened when DD when to his house. They go to school together. I don’t know the family at all.
They split up about 3 weeks ago, I’m still not sure why as DD didn’t tell me details but she was very upset for a few days. Hadn’t heard anything about the boy (I’ll call him Matt here) until today when her phone simply didn’t stop buzzing and she looked increasingly worried. She eventually told me tonight he has been messaging her telling her to jump off a bridge and kill herself, and added in messages about how old I am to be a mum of a teenager (not untrue but ouch) and that I’m cheating on my husband with (and then named a dad of someone in DD year). It’s nonsense but I’m upset this rumour has been started and more worryingly I’m upset that my DD received such vitriolic messages about killing herself. DD is adamant she doesn’t want me to speak to police, but I simply don’t feel comfortable doing nothing given I am also being brought into whatever vendetta this boy has. I wondered about going there tomorrow morning, calmly, to speak to his parents and let them know my concerns about the serious nature of the messages he’s sent. I would want to know if my daughter had sent the same kind of message as it feels a bridge too far from normal teenage tiff language.
I do not want to walk into an argument about our children or to try and involve them, but I do feel I need to do something, as it’s so serious that doing nothing feels like letting a bully walk away scot free.

Any advice? Am I being completely naive and this is the worst idea in the world?

It's not about "keeping her DDs trust", it's about keeping her safe from an online abuser.
Sometimes you have to step up and be the adult/parent.

I am not condoning it-i have said it is a horrible expression, but that's what it is - an expression now broadly with the same strength as your very eloquent use of "fuck off"

I would contact the police. Let them.contact the parents.

What makes you think that??? Of course you can name him when you contact the school otherwise what would be the point in contacting them? Do you think schools getting messages saying "my kid is being bullied/abused but i cant say who by"??

OP, if you do decide to contact school, their Safeguarding Lead will be picking messages up in the holidays. Maybe not immediately, but they have a duty to check.... there should be something on their website to explain the protocol for contacting them

Yes, I understand that. I think that our priorities are all the same as parents.

But this is what I would do initially. I feel that my daughter would be more likely to continue to confide in me if we handled the situation together initially.

We don’t all have to be the same in our initial reactions, but we can be working towards the same outcome.

You have no idea what the parents are like, or what his home situation is- report it, any urging to suicide needds reporting.

I’m so sorry this has happened. Please please ring the Police this morning. I do not want to frighten you but 2 young girls have been murdered in my very local area in the past year, one definitely by her ex boyfriend.
It is not about how she is feeling at the moment, as her mum it’s about keeping her safe.

Obviously I speak from experience when I say you can tell them how something has impacted your child but they will immediately say, do not say who it is. Unless the incident happened in school, of course. But anyway, best to log with 101 and let the police deal with it, school included.

@ittakesalongtimr your poor DD.

Absolutely go to the police.

It's great you are such a supportive mum, and I can see why your DD might not want you going to the police, but what if he does it again to someone more vulnerable with less parent support? What if they act on these messages?

At 15 he knows the consequences of sending such messages. They are taught this in school. A visit from the police should hopefully prevent him doing it again, or if he does do it again then the consequences will be more severe.

No she may not speak to police, thats her right, but you have seen the messages so thats verbatim from you. Report it to 101 online, write what you have written here.

If he is doing it to her, he may well be doing it to others in different formats.

Yes I agree with this.
The problem with ex boyfriends parents is their reaction towards you. They could turn around and call the police against you for harassment, for going to their house. Even though that wouldn't be true, you don't know what they are like.

Well the school has massively failed in its safeguarding responsibilities then. I cant think of a single school I know where they would actively tell you to not name the perpetrator...mind boggling

Yes but the police will tell his family and they’re more likely to pay attention to them. I think there’s a strong chance they’ll minimise it, defend him if you go directly to them which is why he’s the way he is because he hasn’t experienced consequences. If nothing else the police talking to him may stop him doing it again.

I had an abusive boyfriend and my parents not sticking up for me made me think it was normal and didn’t help in future relationships. I might have been mortified if my parents had e.g. told the school (it wasn’t as bad as your daughter’s messages so the police wouldn’t have been appropriate) but it would’ve sent me a really important message that I was important enough to be backed and to have someone stand up for me and that I shouldn’t have to put up with abusive men.

100% go to police first. Ideally to a station if you still have one near you. They will talk to the parents. You can then also contact the school if they don’t.

No way would I approach the parents first or instead of the police. Their ‘need to know’ is not the top priority and could escalate everything. Let the police tell them.

Agree you need to hang onto DD’s phone for a while.

Please don’t let your upset DD dissuade you from doing the right thing.

No you do not speak to a child's parents first where there is suspicion that a crime has been committed.

Firstly the police may have to gather evidence and if they dont want their kid to get in trouble, they might sabotage this with prior warning

Secondly, the parents may have to act as appropriate adult if it got as far as a police interview and the parents already knowing about a situation may again sabotage tht

Thirdly and rarely, there are parents in this world who think that sort of messaging is 'just desserts' for someone that has apparently upset their little darling. You have no idea whether they are laughing along at some of the messages or encouraging it.

Lastly, there is a high risk of him being an abused child himself and this is how this is being shown in his behaviour.

You do not talk to the parents first. Its a criminal matter.

Report to police and school pronto. Do not go to the parents, they will try to protect and defend their son, brush it under the carpet or even reverse blame.

None of this has been handled sensibly so far. Yes messages on Snapchat disappear but if you hold them, you can save them and then screenshot. My DD had to do this when a former friend was bullying and threatening her. Most teens use Snapchat but this is how you get around that. If you have no proof of any awful messages as it stands, the police can’t really do much. They might have a word with him but they’d need your DD to make a statement first and it sounds like she won’t cooperate.

The number needs blocking on all apps obviously and she might benefit from time away from the phone.

Oh and contacting the parents first tips off this little shit that the police may be speaking to him and reviewing his tech, giving him/them time to delete what they choose and concoct excuses.

Just so you know the DSL is always contactable over the holidays

Good luck.. go police

I’ve read the thread and some of the minimisation is shocking.
OP you must report to the Police.
Do not go to the family - you have no idea what you’d be walking into and they will 100% have their son’s back. Pointless and will almost certainly not make you feel any better about the situation, indeed you could make it much worse.
It doesn’t matter that your daughter said no to Police - it’s simply not her choice because you are the adult/parent.

It is your parental duty to go to the police no matter what your daughter says. I know she is frightened but she is not an adult.
I would not go near the parents. Chances are they will double down or start attacking you. Don’t give them a chance.
This is serious harassment. Don’t let this boy get away with it.

I agree you should speak to the police, I’d also be telling the school. Of course his behaviour is completely unacceptable and more.

i think it’s a bit mad that she’s only 14 and him 15 and you’ve never met the parents.. if she has a boyfriend again I think you should insist on at least speaking to his parents on the phone and introducing yourself. It would be a deal breaker for me and I’d be absolutely insistent on it. I’d preferably meet them in person and have a friendly chat; also to discuss things like whether you’re ok with the child being out past XX or not in bedrooms or staying overnight etc. It’s a risky age. It’s better for both children that the parents are watching and communicating.

A lot of people telling you not to tell the parents and get the school and police involved but I’m with you OP - I would absolutely tell the parents. They need to know what their son is like, I would want to. Your daughter is adamant she doesn’t want police involved and I think it would make things worse if she is that against it, school will do nothing (as you said they’ve broken up). Maybe down the line inform them but yes I would absolutely approach it (gently) with the parents

I would speak to school in the first instance. They will know the right course if action. I wouldn’t get involved with the parents - they might be awful and it might flare things up. Put it in the hands of professionals. School can involve the police if that it appropriate.