AIBU to speak to his parents after these messages to my daughter?

[ittakesalongtimr]

Can’t believe I’m writing this but desperate for some advice. DD14 was in a very brief relationship with a boy of 15. About a month. He came to our house a few times and seemed nice, we had a few chats and the same happened when DD when to his house. They go to school together. I don’t know the family at all.
They split up about 3 weeks ago, I’m still not sure why as DD didn’t tell me details but she was very upset for a few days. Hadn’t heard anything about the boy (I’ll call him Matt here) until today when her phone simply didn’t stop buzzing and she looked increasingly worried. She eventually told me tonight he has been messaging her telling her to jump off a bridge and kill herself, and added in messages about how old I am to be a mum of a teenager (not untrue but ouch) and that I’m cheating on my husband with (and then named a dad of someone in DD year). It’s nonsense but I’m upset this rumour has been started and more worryingly I’m upset that my DD received such vitriolic messages about killing herself. DD is adamant she doesn’t want me to speak to police, but I simply don’t feel comfortable doing nothing given I am also being brought into whatever vendetta this boy has. I wondered about going there tomorrow morning, calmly, to speak to his parents and let them know my concerns about the serious nature of the messages he’s sent. I would want to know if my daughter had sent the same kind of message as it feels a bridge too far from normal teenage tiff language.
I do not want to walk into an argument about our children or to try and involve them, but I do feel I need to do something, as it’s so serious that doing nothing feels like letting a bully walk away scot free.

Any advice? Am I being completely naive and this is the worst idea in the world?

Agree. I doubt this is the first time he’s done this - there will be other victims and hopefully police can find evidence to build a case.

OP, I hope after some sleep and time to refect on these posts, that you've now abandoned any idea to go and speak to the parents and will talk to the police today. You've mentioned that you'd want to know if your child was behaving in this way- the boy's parents will find out but it shouldn't be from you. You might make things worse if you approach them.

This is serious enough to need more than a telling off from parents, a visit from the police will have much more impact and hopefully make this boy realise how harmful his behaviour is and that he can't do this to anyone, ever.

If this boy had physically hurt your daughter in any way, by hitting her or sexually assaulting her you wouldn't think about speaking to the parents in the hope it could all be resolved between you, you'd contact the police and this is also a matter for authorities to deal with- his intention is to cause psychological harm to your daughter.

Despite your DD’s wishes, this is a criminal matter.
And no matter what you do, I would definitely not speak to his parents. They could be just as vile as him, and you could be opening yourself up to a whole new world of abuse.

Police and parents. He needs consequences stat!

Not true of SnapChat messages. There will be records kept and a trail of the new accounts he created to send the messages.

This is brilliant. Thanks for sharing this. It’s important to know these things.

Further to my post about how good the NSPCC have been with my situation, I should add I started by keeping certain parties anonymous, until I felt happy that the situation was as serious as I thought it was. So OP you could do this, then have a chat with your daughter and the next step would likely be she would speak to NSPCC. I was assigned someone who my nephew could call back directly once he felt comfortable.
I would call 101 this morning and do the same with them. The reason I advised against telling school yourself yet is partly because my experience (different event) was they didn’t want the person named, but also because I think the police should be advising on next steps. This is very serious but it also happens a lot in schools sadly.

Exactly. Or he may do it in future. This is the kind of thing that could form part of a case against someone as it shows a potential pattern of abuse. For example the police may not take seriously one complaint about abusive messages but if someone is a repeat offender it is easier to prove/convince the CPS etc.

I wouldn't let my 14 year old call the shots with something like this, she simply doesn't have the life experience and understanding to make the best choices.

I would take the phone, speak to the police. Personally I didn't allow mine to have snapchat at 14.

A young teenage girl in my town was murdered by her similarly young ex boyfriend. Just because he's 15 doesn't mean he's harmless.

I think speaking to the parents is absolutely the way to go first.

Tell them what was said and how it was said i.e. snap chat. If they do not believe you, and I get that, they will want proof, I probably would too, explain you can get them proof but only if you go to the police, which you are willing to do, as you have seen the messages and you know the police can retrieve them. Or they can take your word for it and act upon it.

Decide what you need them to do, where the line is drawn for you, and if they do not take it seriously, then go to the police. Set your stall out clearly on this so they know where the line is drawn.

I am a firm believer that parents should be told first. I would however send the school an email, explaining the situation and outlining your actions, not with the intention of them taking action unless things escalate, but because they need to know in case this rears its head again, that its not his first offence.

The thing with young relationships now is that lots of it is done online and they don't get to see the physical effects of their words on each other and it tends to be relationship by jury these days and I couldn't cope with that as an adult.

My one caveat here is that you don't know why they split, your daughter may not be completely innocent (although she/you do not deserve the nature of the comments he has made) so tread carefully, stick with facts not hypothesis.

Go to the police. This boy should get the full force of whatever law applies. I'd also take the messages to the school and inform them the messages.

I wouldn't all to the parents...let the police and school do that.

Update :

Firstly, thank you so much for the incredibly helpful replies. They gave me perspective and insight and I’m truly grateful.
I called the police this morning (no physical station here now, I drove there and realised it was no longer in use😞) so called 101.
Long wait / call short: they are sending an officer out but it likely won’t be until the middle of next week as they are very busy. They told me to keep screenshots (but understood the worst ones she’d opened and were gone) and to call back if she feels unsafe or direct threats to her life are made. I understand they are busy but next week feels awfully far away. I can’t keep her phone until then as she has a holiday job and right now there is no way I want her being without a phone to contact me /DH if needed.
Thank you all so much once again.

This has to be one of the more bizarre ways of pointing the finger at a woman that I’ve seen on here.

OP is allowed to have feelings about both types of abusive comments; the ones directed to her dd and the ones about OP.

And @PollyBell and anyone else accusing the op.

Another interpretation is that the op is looking for a way in to talking to his parents, to let them know what he’s done so they can, hopefully, intervene. Making the conversation about the op is strategic fgs.

Her saying, your son has said x about me, and he also told my DD to go kill herself, at the same time, is a useful attempt to deflect from her DD. Clearly she’s doing this so that the boy doesn’t double down on her DD, which is what the DD is obviously and legitimately worried about.

have only read OP.
Sod his parents - go right to the police. Screenshot everything.

I think that the police can recover Snapchat messages.

As a teacher, I had to report a serious matter some years ago, and the police asked for the victims' phones - the messages had all been sent via Snapchat.

Apologies - hadn't read all of your posts when I replied.

@ittakesalongtimr Thank you for updating us. Sending best wishes to you and your daughter, I hope reporting this will put an end to your daughter being tormented by this boy and also stop him ever treating any other person in this manner.

I work in schools. This is most definitely something to let them know as for all you know it will be part of a wider picture. We can’t punish per se; however, it would lead to wider dialogue and should lead to targeted PSHCE lessons.
It certainly would in my school. We would adapt the curriculum to ensure we addressed issues in the here and now - incels, toxic masculinity and relationships etc. I appreciate schools are off until September but safeguarding is always picked up.
I hope your daughter is okay.

Dreadful advice. The police are the first port of call - this is a serious criminal offence. This boy is encouraging suicide and sending malicious communications. At 15 he’s old enough to face the consequences of that. OP doesn’t know his parents or have the slightest idea of how they will react - they may try to destroy evidence if they suspect OP will involve the police. This isn’t a situation where you can barter your boundaries to avoid police involvement.

I’d bet the farm this isn’t the first time this kid has done this - he knows to use snapchat because the messages disappear so he thinks he can’t be held accountable - well he can, and he needs to be.

And nice bit of victim blaming there at the end. It doesn’t matter why they split. He has absolutely no right to inflict this poisonous shit on anyone, least of all a vulnerable teenage girl.

OP
If you screenshot he will see this has been done. Previously I have screen recorded (don’t know if this is notified like screenshot) but also I have videod off my own phone whilst scrolling through the messages.

Well done Op, you did the right thing. You must feel so frustrated about the wait though. Can you get her a cheap temporary brick/PAYG phone for now to help make sure she has a way of contacting you/DH while you’re waiting for the police but doesn’t run the risk of him getting in touch?

Can you not get her a cheap phone to use in the interim ?. I understand the need for her to keep in contact but giving her back the phone isn’t ideal - not least because you don’t know if/when the abuse will start up again.

Whilst schools have broken up, most SLT members will be in for a few days next week clearing desks for the summer (our HT is for sure) so someone would pick it up in school. It’s a safeguarding thing, so i would let them know. They probably won’t act on it over the summer but should be aware for next year so they can support your daughter appropriately and log the issue in case it arises again/goes further.

Can you get her a cheap burner phone to jse for worl and you keep her main phone for now.

Snapchat is a nightmare as they set up mew accounts if blocked.