Clique school mums

[ernie23]

what is a cliquey mum group?
how would you describe them ? Do you believe that term , have you ever been involved ?

This is no hate, just genuinely what to know what people think of that term or their experiences on why would you call them like that .

So everyone knew that 7 children were being excluded for no other reason than the organising mums didn’t like the 7 children’s mothers?

And you still went? As did others?

and for what reason did this “clique” given when they were openly saying “of course we aren’t going to invite xyz”?

Well, unless it was an official school event, surely they can invite whoever they like?

Seriously what is your problem? Why are you interrogating me?

For one, this happened 10 years ago. It was my first experience of primary school and the sort of behaviour that goes on. I was a youngish mum and just wanted my child to be happy and have friends without getting into all the parent politics.

It wasn’t until the particular event had been arranged that it became fully apparent what was going on and I wasn’t going to take my child out and upset him when he was none the wiser. It wasn’t my job to make a stand. I wasn’t one of the organisers and all I really cared about was my child being happy. But there was a lot of stuff that went on at that school that made parents uncomfortable.

I’m not going to keep explaining myself as I’ve already posted several times about the sort of behaviour that went on at that school by a group of parents.

I’m not a loner or desperate to be friends as I’ve been accused of and like I’ve said. It was a breath of fresh air when my younger child went to a different primary and there was none of this dreadful behaviour. I’ve had a second run of the primary school gates and not once have a experienced the sort of stuff that went on at the first.

Yes you’re right people can do what they like.

They can blank people who say good morning and whisper and laugh, they can turn their back on people who approach to say hi or ask a question, they can ignore party invitations, they can exclude a small minority of child from a leavers party, they can reserve the entire front row of the school plays for their group, they can refuse to let people sit down at events, they can openly gossip about anyone different such as those living in council houses, gay couples, children whose trousers are looking too short, they can spread rumours.

All perfectly acceptable I suppose.

So the women were arranging a private end of term party? At one of their homes?

It wasn’t at anyone’s house it was an activity which parents chipped in for.

And they didn’t invite 7 children to this. Because they hated their mothers.
and made this clear to everyone coming.
ok

I don’t know if they hated them, I don’t fully understand the reasoning. There was a lot of bitching and gossiping at that school.

I’ve replied to a thread in a good faith to explain my experience of these types of school dynamics and have been ridiculed and more or less accused of lying.

So I’ve just wasted my time. I can only assume that some of the people replying are quite unpleasant themselves.

When my eldest started school, a group of us made friends based on kids friendships. Every single one of us, just so happened, to have the next child starting school in exactly the same year. The younger siblings all knew each other from get togethers with the older siblings, so they automatically formed an immediate friendship group at school. To be frank, us parents (not just mums), were not interested in making more friends, it’s just time and effort no one had at that point when the much easier option was just to maintain our friendship group as we had always had. It wasn’t some deep decision to exclude others, just organic and based on capacity really.

After a few years, kids friendships change, they form new friendships etc, and at that point, those ‘new’ kids get invited to play dates, parties but we would have the group of parents who all knew each other stay and catch up and the others drop and leave (as kids older and no parents required).

ETA - now that our kids are adults, that parent group still catches up now and then when people are able. None of us made friends with parents outside this, as friendships take time and capacity and if you only have a certain amount of that available, that’s the reality.

why are you refusing to belive so many people about negative experiences with school mums?

So all this has actually happened to you? There are real cliques or just paranoid people who thinks there are?

Not once i have ever thought of any parent like that all the parents i know are too busy juggling whatever is going on in their life to think that deeply about othet parents in a delusional way and juat get on with life

Just like you confidently assume “cliques” aren’t “real friends”, don’t socialise and like to give others the side eye to make themselves feel better about themselves.

Yes and no. At our DC’s primary everyone is just friendly and some closer friendship groups naturally form. At their nursery there was a definite exclusionary clique, but having spoken to some 1-2-1 I concluded they weren’t our sort of people anyway, so it’s was no great loss, and I’m sure they felt the same about us!

I was never at the school gates, because of work. I made friends with the mums through all the parties the kids had.
Play dates didn't include mums.
But we mums would get together and the kids would inevitably be dragged along. As they got older and found other friends, we stopped making them come with us.

I could never do after school play dates cos of work. It didn't stop ds being invited.

None of this happened with dd's class- although I think she had more friends round.

Nothing to do with cliques; just people who clicked.

Exactly
The point I was making up thread was just this
If they are so deeply unpleasant just steer clear, yet theres all this handwringing and chasing after them
If someone blanked me would I just not bother so why keep going back for more?
I just dont get it!

Exactly. No one ever seems to say ‘I really, really like them, so I’m gutted they’re not interested in making new friends’. They describe at length how awful these other parents are and all the mean things they’ve done, and then they complain about them not wanting to befriend them!

It’s like that old sketch about the two elderly New York women talking about the new restaurant. One says ‘Such terrible food!’ And the other one says ‘Yes, and such small portions!’

I mean, why are you pathetically chasing after people you invariably describe as awful, shouting ‘Pick me!’??

To me a clique is a group who spend all their time together to the exclusion of others.

Eg imagine a preschool, 7 new children begin at the start of term. 6 of the parents know each other already from a local baby group, theres another new person to the area. The group of 6 do everything together, regardless of interests, such that (for example), despite new mum doing the same sport as two of the others, and being in the same career as another, she is constantly excluded because she"s not one of the "baby group mums". She occasionally invites one or other for a coffee/round of golf/playdate, but is turned down repeatedly because "Im seeing the baby group mums".

It’s completely normal to want to be friends with people you see regularly, and completely normal to be upset if they exclude you.
It’s also normal to try and move on without thinking about them, and normal to wonder if there’s something about you that made them behave that way.
This is all within the normal range of human behaviour.

It is hard as an adult if everywhere you go in life, you are faced with people who have had the same friendship group since age 9 & have "no time for new friends". I was bullied at school and moved away for university. I find that i easily form shallower "friendships" at work, uni, among school mums etc, but that long term, people have stronger old friendships & you never get past being a back up/second choice.

Thank God!
Somone gets it!

It's so patently obvious who on this thread is in a clique and who is not.

And the former are the ones in denial.

Its not normal to keep throwing yourself into the ring though and hoping the lion doesnt eat you 😂

They are described as unpleasant , stuck up, bitches etc but still they want to be besties with them

Well, I’m not sure about automatically wanting to be friends with people you see regularly, otherwise surely we’d all be equally friends with every single colleague we habitually share space or tasks with, every single parent we see in the school yard, everyone we see at a weekly yoga class etc. I mean, that’s not how friendships work — we’re only attracted to the minority of people we particularly gel with.

But I agree it’s perfectly normal to sometimes want to be friends with someone who has no interest in befriending us, whether because they just don’t like us, or they’re not interested in making a new friend — just like sometimes we fancy someone who doesn’t fancy us back. And normal to go ‘Oh, pity’ and move on.

Well I wasnt because there wasnt any cliques, just various groups who formed friendships
I didnt for one minute think those mums were nasty awful bitches just because I wasnt friends with them .