AIBU to refuse repeated requests from my neighbour for supplies?

[freecalpol]

AIBU to say enough is enough? DP thinks I’m being mean and unkind and is irritated at my ‘attitude’ towards our neighbour.

She regularly knocks to ‘borrow’ something. At first it was baby wipes, then Calpol. I gave them to her on these occasions as it was late and she hadn’t long moved in so I assumed a level of disorganisation due to the move.

It continued and if it’s just me home I’ll ignore the door or say ‘sorry we don’t have any of ….’ (Whatever she is asking for) .

I work long hours and I’m exhausted. Last night at 11 pm she knocked in a panic asking for Calpol . I said fine I’ll give you one dose in the syringes but you need to buy some yourself as soon as the shop opens or get it delivered . Dp said I should have given the bottle. I have work today so wanted to get some sleep. At 630 am she was hammering on the door and saying that her dc temp had spiked and she needed more. I told her from the window no - the shop opens soon or order it or just sort something else out as I’m not a pharmacy.

Dp says I’m mean and that hopefully the child is ok. I snapped at him and said if she can’t meet her child’s needs maybe I’ll call SS to see if this is information that adds to anything they already have as she seems to be struggling and the fact it’s now impacting my life isn’t fair, so yes she needs support but not financially from me supplying medication for her child. He said I was malicious to even talk about SS.

I'd tell your husband if he thinks you're being so awful that he can answer the door and provide things and then he can go to the shop and replace the things that he's passed on to the next door neighbour.
I would probably give the medicine this morning but I can understand why you're annlyed. I would go round and say to her I'm sorry your child's been ill but I can no longer keep providing things that you run out of whether that's cereal, milk medicine or something else. If you need any extra support with these things I can direct you to some supportive organisations but I can't fill the gaps for you. I'm suggesting the future you contact her friend or relative and ask them to provide it if you really have nothing in. Calpol is one of those you can get free from the chemist under the minor injuries scheme [I think }so it's not a case of not having any money it's a case of not being organised .

Yes I think so. In that specific moment there is a child in pain. She’s chosen to not assist when her own child doesn’t need the Calpol there and then. She is punishing the mum but the one who really suffers for her to prove a point is the child. She could have given it to her (yes. Again) then after a couple of days gone and spoken to her and simply said “this must now stop.”

Imagine if your child was unwell and someone who could help didn’t. Irrespective of you being completely disorganised/not been to the shop - whatever the reason - when you can help and it costs a couple of quid, would you leave the little kid to suffer?

The first couple of times, ok fair enough. But for her to continue to do this would be a red flag for me ,moreso than just assume she was a little forgetful or scatter brains. It sounds like she needs support from other services because keeping even a bottle of paracetamol syrup from somewhere like savers for a pound is bare minimum. Does she have her lashes and nails done ? Lip filler etc? . I only ask because it doesn't sound like her kids are a priority to her at all. This is the sort of situation where kids can slip through the cracks

It was calpol for a fever so not actually necessary

if it had been antihistamine or burn cream then sure but calpol for a spiked fever is not necessary and on this case the neighbour seems to use rather a lot of it

Does she replace what she’s borrowed? If not next time she knocks present her with a list of what she’s borrowed and say not to knock again til it’s replaced. You can’t afford to subside her family.

I'd have been annoyed, but would have given her calpol. It's for her DC not for her and I wouldn't let a baby/toddler suffer if I had the means to help. I'd probably then make sure I bought 2 bottles/boxes.of the sachets each time I stock up just in case.
I'd make the point to her that she shouldn't rely on me being home and having all the stiff she needs available. And if it were less essential items (sorry neighbour I don't have any wipes, you'll have to use a flannel/cloth and water) or things for her rather than the DC it would be easier to refuse.
Do you think there's a chance she can't afford to buy these items or is being financially controlled?

Seriously? The OP is the heartless one because she doesn't want to indefinitely provide for someone elses child...

You're argument is illogical. The neighbour will in your situation continue to use their child in the hope the OP would provide food and medicine and wipes and what ever else they might need. There would be no stopping the cycle no matter how firm the OP was after each incident.

No accountability for the mother?

I understand the knocking for things can become irritating and intrusive.
I'd of given her the morning dose for the child and then spoke to her and said.
Why are you feeling you can knock and ask for things you need to sort out having these medicines in for the future what would happen if you didnt have any .
She may of had no money or she is a person who is disorganised and anxious.. set a clear line in the sand now.

I have experienced this kind of thing and was always things for the kids that was needed.......... which is really difficult to say no to.
Then I realise she has a drinking problem, and would much rather spend money on that than her kids. So if OP is mean then i am awful, because I will not give anything to my one of these people, regardless if the kids need it. Because I am not indirectly funding a grown ups bad choices. Even if this mom doesnt have those issues, she needs to sort herself out and make sure what the kid needs is there.
As awful as it sounds if she ends up calling an ambulance for her child because she is incapable of having basic medicine in her home, and their temperature peaks so much so that they need medical help. Then maybe this child (and mother) will get the help they need. Or at a minimum she may learn to buy some bloody calpol to keep in the house

I would offer to look after the child & fund it going to Uni.

I would offer to look after the child, fund it going to uni, pay for its first car and a deposit on a house. Anything less is simply unkind

"...just a few pounds?"

Jeez. I wish I lived next door to you!

As I said, I would make my point with something else - the phone charger, the cereal, but if a child needs pain relief I couldn’t say no in that moment. It’s not the child’s fault the mother is evidently useless. I think given the amount of things she’s asking for I would probably have a discussion with the mum to understand if she’s struggling too.

I suspect she is and her behaviour I think is potentially a safeguarding issue. I couldn’t ignore that, no.

Sooooo - would I have given the calpol, definitely. Because it’s an ill child. But I completely agree this needs to stop.

perhaps a ‘I hope your little one is ok now. Please get some calpol and make sure you always have some in. I don’t want to sound unkind but I’m not able to keep lending you things at all times of the day and night - we were woken up by you banging on the door. Thanks’.

polite kind and to the point!

Yes, there's definitely a mindset that a lot of CFs have - and they know very well what they're doing.

They want stuff for themselves and they need stuff for the children, but they can only afford one but not both. They know full well that, if they spend their money on the kids' needs and then ask others for money for cigarettes or nail treatments, they'll be told instantly where to go... BUT if they buy their own treats and then go begging for stuff that the kids need, people will acquiesce - even if annoyed - reckoning (rightly) that the kids shouldn't suffer or go without essentials. "But it's for the baaaaybeeeeee!!!"

It's extremely manipulative and neglectful - so disgusting to shamelessly exploit your children in this way and put their needs at risk in favour of your own wants.

It's extremely manipulative and neglectful - so disgusting to shamelessly exploit your children in this way and put their needs at risk in favour of your own wants.

Indeed yet as this thread has proven it's a very effective strategy. They amount of posters falling about themselves to step in and help no matter what because it's for a child is alarming! This thread also shows why so many sadly fall for scams, some people are very naive.

If a child's health was at stake I would hand the bottle over. If a colleague needed some paracetamol I would give them my last one and I know they would do the same. It doesn't cost a lot! Why be so harsh?

Yes I think I agree with you. In this instance I couldn’t let a child be poorly. Some shops won’t open for a few hours and she may not be able to leave the child.

but I’d want to tackle the less urgent items. It’s tricky as some people genuinely are less organised and do need some help. But it’s not on you to solve it OP.

YANBU! Yes the child was sick but that is not the OP’s responsibility! I would be ringing social services cos clearly she needs some help learning how to care for a child and making sure she has the right things in for her child.

Literally if someone is in need then cool, but when it's alot if the time and for the basics that even if your skint tou should really have in when you have kids.... then no.
Im a single parent, i work but barely, only really do it for my sanity as have a child with high needs so have to be at home mostly. So I'm skint most of the time, but things are so easy now. Groceries home delivered, i dont drive so pay for delivery pass, would cost me more getting buses or taxis anyway. Uber do groceries, morrisons have a fast delivery service, tesco whoosh, Iceland generally same day deliveries.
If struggling financially long term seek help from the organisations there to help.
If someone asked me now for cereal, or calpol for their kid I would give it. But if it became knocking my door at 11pm then 6am and this happening quite alot in a short period, then it would be a no. Because i'm not expecting parents to give their kids everything, guarantee i cant give mine everything they want. But the basics like come on, even us with a low household income can manage the basics.

I would offer to look after the child, fund it going to uni, pay for its first car and a deposit on a house. and pay for their wedding and honeymoon.

Well I would do all that and set aside one of my kidneys, just in case

Just one kidney. Selfish!

I miss the laugh reaction so much at times like this.😅

She could need support with looking after her child, or she could just be a lazy scrounger who sees you as a soft touch.

You’ve already given her a whole bottle of Calpol! Why didn’t she get some more when that was getting low? My guess is she thought she wouldn’t bother as she’d just knock on your door when she needed any more.

I once had a neighbour like this. She moved in next to me and, like you, I thought she just hadn’t got organised after the stress of moving. However, after weeks of asking me for stuff (salt and pepper, plates (!), biscuits, milk, sugar, cat food, a loaf of bread, eggs - and more!), I got pissed off and just said No. Even when she persisted, I just said, “No, sorry - I haven’t got any” even if it was something basic.

After two or three ‘sorry I haven’t got any’ s from me, she’s simply stopped asking. Now she knows I’m not giving her things, she’s managed perfectly well to buy her own stuff and be organised. I was outraged at first, but now I realise some people have no shame and are just like this and try it on if you let them.