AIBU to refuse repeated requests from my neighbour for supplies?

[freecalpol]

AIBU to say enough is enough? DP thinks I’m being mean and unkind and is irritated at my ‘attitude’ towards our neighbour.

She regularly knocks to ‘borrow’ something. At first it was baby wipes, then Calpol. I gave them to her on these occasions as it was late and she hadn’t long moved in so I assumed a level of disorganisation due to the move.

It continued and if it’s just me home I’ll ignore the door or say ‘sorry we don’t have any of ….’ (Whatever she is asking for) .

I work long hours and I’m exhausted. Last night at 11 pm she knocked in a panic asking for Calpol . I said fine I’ll give you one dose in the syringes but you need to buy some yourself as soon as the shop opens or get it delivered . Dp said I should have given the bottle. I have work today so wanted to get some sleep. At 630 am she was hammering on the door and saying that her dc temp had spiked and she needed more. I told her from the window no - the shop opens soon or order it or just sort something else out as I’m not a pharmacy.

Dp says I’m mean and that hopefully the child is ok. I snapped at him and said if she can’t meet her child’s needs maybe I’ll call SS to see if this is information that adds to anything they already have as she seems to be struggling and the fact it’s now impacting my life isn’t fair, so yes she needs support but not financially from me supplying medication for her child. He said I was malicious to even talk about SS.

Because he fancies her, most probably. If she was old, ugly or a man it would be an entirely different scenario. Nearly 100% certainty.

Tell DP he's in charge of answering the door to her at 6.30 am and of restocking all the stuff she takes from his own pocket - not the joint account - and promptly. If he wants to play good guy, let him do the organisation.

Next time just say you can't afford to keep giving stuff away, but you'll sell her the half bottle of Calpol or whatever it is she wants.

Yes I get that some people think that. Good for you

What do you mean? OP gave this neighbour an entire bottle of Calpol.

Are you also saying that OP should be providing medicine to this neighbour indefinitely?

How long is OP obliged to buy Calpol just in case this person needs it- 2 months, 6 months, a year or more?

No, you are not unreasonable in the least. You have helped more than enough on previous occasions, now this will be just encouraging it. Don't.

Not to derail, but petrol stations usually stay open 24/7, as the insurance for leaving them unattended at any time would cost the owners far more than paying the wage of somebody to be there at all times - even if there are barely any customers.

I'm not suggesting that you didn't know the last part; but just that the NDN needs to get her act together and stop thinking that other people are there to run her family for her. I presume she goes out to buy food and household supplies, or has them delivered regularly, so it doesn't take a genius to stop near the toothpaste and shower gel and actually think about what toiletries/simple medication your young child might need as well.

There is absolutely nothing offensive about the dog training parallel. It’s literally a conditioned response, first discovered by Ivan Pavlov by observing an actual dog that later became the cornerstone of human behavioural psychology. Outing🙄: I’m a mental health nurse and one of my best mentors during my training long time ago was a highly specialist senior RMN who was also a very successful dog trainer in her spare time. She credited her high patient maintenance and recovery rate to direct application of the same behavioural principles she used when she worked with dogs.

For all we know, he could be a misogynist who believes that all women are pathetic little flowers who are incapable of adulting without a man to help them. Or not.

yes exactly! I quite agree with your pragmatism
I didn’t know about peteol stations being open 24/7 through
insurance requirements, thanks, interesting as I often wondered why…

Yes, indeed. I don't know their respective ages, but what happens if OP's child gets too old to need Calpol, but the NDN still has a child who does? Is OP then going to be expected to add a superfluous unneeded item to her own shopping, and then store it in her house, just because the NDN seems not to know what a shop is or how to keep essentials in stock?

If she's asking for Calpol more than once I doubt she would return the favour as she clearly doesn't buy it

Perhaps. But there's such a thing as pattern recognition. My radar twitched as I recognised a possible white knight type in OPs posts. These types of men do love "helping" women and often gaslight their wives about the situation.

Only, they're never white knights for 64 year old overweight Agnes with the bad skin.

Start going to her house at weird times and asking for random crap, see how she likes it.

I can’t imagine a scenario where I would refuse to give medication to a child who needs it. If that makes me a mug so be it. I wouldn’t have hesitated.

I would address the constant borrowing issue later.

You need to talk to her when she's not at your door asking for stuff.

Go to her house and firmly tell her that from now on she can no longer come to your door looking for supplies. You've helped her out in the past. But it has to stop.

So you would just continually provide food and medicine for strangers children? It must be nice to have a bank account balance so large.

Dp said I should have given the bottle.
Dp says I’m mean and that hopefully the child is ok.
He said I was malicious

I think this bothers me more than the cf neighbour.
@freecalpol I hope you've made it clear to him that HE can answer the door to her, find whatever it is that she "needs", AND that HE can nip to the shop to replace the items. 😁

What exactly do you mean by this? It is coming across as a micro aggression

The only problem is that she wouldn't have the stuff that OP might ask for... and if OP did ask her for stuff, she would take it as a green light to underline the agreement that 'we give and take and help each other out' - even if the reality is that NDN declines the black bin bag that OP asks her for, as she doesn't have any in; but then NDN asks OP in return if she can 'borrow' £100/her car or for a week's childcare whilst she goes on holiday, and NDN considers this a fair setup.

Incidentally, a lot of CFs will be coy about giving you something that you ask for as 'they don't have any spare' or 'they need the ones they've gor themselves'; but when the tables are turned, they'd gladly take your very last one - and think you appalling if you said No.

I'm glad you're putting your foot down op. At this this rate you may as well be dropping £10 worth of groceries off to her every other week. Which is ridiculous amd beyond the "be kind" philosophy.

If your neighbour needs a food bank referral then it's her responsibility to get one. It's unfortunate , but she clearly has no problem asking for what she needs and isnt shy so she's good to go.

I've had good neighbours ask for a toilet roll , or to borrow a screw driver etc. But they've also done the same for us and take in our parcels if we're out so it's pretty mutual. This woman is taking the piss.

My take on it - OP is saying that the woman is common as muck and her husband is not her type because they are a better class of person than the hot next door neighbour.

OP fails to realise that men still find common as muck women attractive. Or rather, she does realise it but is trying to suppress that thought.

I am not saying he'd necessarily do anything about it, of course. But I would bet good money on the reality that the neighbour is young and fairly hot. It's just a pattern that keeps popping up. I'd lay odds he would not care at all if she was old and ugly.

Imaging calling your own wife malicious, unkind and mean because some overstepping CF bangs on your door at 630am and 11pm at night - and even after you gave away medicine to the CF it wasn't good enough for him and he thinks OP has an attitude for daring to not want to be at the beck and call of a stranger.

That's the bit that rang the pattern recognition bell. Men like this always claim their wives are unreasonable. He sounds like a horrible man.

I didn’t say that. I said I would have given the medication and addressed the borrowing issue later. Not continually provide.

How do you address the issue later though? If you tell her you will no longer provide Calpol or food for her child and then she knocks on the door by your own admission you wouldn't refuse her the medicine? So how do you propose the OP is able to stop the cycle?

I read it more that the DH isn’t the CF type as she’s been talking about Jude Bellingham when the DH is more Thomas tuchel