AIBU to refuse repeated requests from my neighbour for supplies?

[freecalpol]

AIBU to say enough is enough? DP thinks I’m being mean and unkind and is irritated at my ‘attitude’ towards our neighbour.

She regularly knocks to ‘borrow’ something. At first it was baby wipes, then Calpol. I gave them to her on these occasions as it was late and she hadn’t long moved in so I assumed a level of disorganisation due to the move.

It continued and if it’s just me home I’ll ignore the door or say ‘sorry we don’t have any of ….’ (Whatever she is asking for) .

I work long hours and I’m exhausted. Last night at 11 pm she knocked in a panic asking for Calpol . I said fine I’ll give you one dose in the syringes but you need to buy some yourself as soon as the shop opens or get it delivered . Dp said I should have given the bottle. I have work today so wanted to get some sleep. At 630 am she was hammering on the door and saying that her dc temp had spiked and she needed more. I told her from the window no - the shop opens soon or order it or just sort something else out as I’m not a pharmacy.

Dp says I’m mean and that hopefully the child is ok. I snapped at him and said if she can’t meet her child’s needs maybe I’ll call SS to see if this is information that adds to anything they already have as she seems to be struggling and the fact it’s now impacting my life isn’t fair, so yes she needs support but not financially from me supplying medication for her child. He said I was malicious to even talk about SS.

How does that even work, though? Surely if you have to be organised enough to register for the scheme, and presumably then go out to the pharmacy to receive the items every time you need them - rather than just popping across to your NDN and hammering at their door - you may as well just go to the shop and buy it?

If these items don't cost her anything anyway, she can either schlep across town to the pharmacy, strictly during their opening hours (so not 6:30am or 11pm) - and maybe have to fill in forms or answer questions; or otherwise just keep getting it from the convenient free 'shop' that's right next door, where all you have to do is turn up 24/7 looking stressed and upset, tell them what you need, and then they'll just hand it over, because it's somehow their responsibility to look after your child.

Tbh I have enough to sort without taking care of a neighbour's issues.

Is it possible she is struggling financially, has a partner /husband who is financially controlling her ? Has she transport to get to the shops, too much on her plate, post natal depression? It isnt the ops responsibility as such but there may be other reasons that she is being like this and it is a call for help for other reasons.

Im not getting at the op as she probably knows more than she has put in this post to be able to rule things in or out but its a bit disappointing that women come down so hot and heavy on other women when they know just how hard/bad things can be for us women even in marriages, still left to do the brunt of child care and housework while still doing a full time job.

I, otoh, think you might not have had as good an opportunity to observe this particular behaviour type IRL as some of us have...

She's a cheeky cow and the longer you supply stuff the longer she'll keep asking.
I would have given her the 6.30 dose but that would be it , i would have said that's that you need to buy more today etc
But i suppose that once you say it you have to stick with it.

Oh great, so now the OP needs to be her neighbours Social worker as well as a branch of Tesco....

I think she could have given another single dose to last until the shops were open. High temperatures can be really dangerous for little ones. It's not the time to prove a point.

Why wouldn't someone be interested in a human who crosses their path and appears to be in difficulties. We are all interdependent. Doesn't mean OP has to do anything more than satisfy herself things are ok.

Oh guessing are we right?

I would tell your DP to go and help her then. Does he? Pretty grim to be going on at you while watching from the sidelines and doing nothing. You've done nothing wrong IMHO.

I don’t think you’ve met people yet. Once you leave Fairy Island, you’ll understand.

At 6:30am there are places open.

As she did the last time? And presumably should the next time? And the time after that?

It's not some esoteric potion that can only be conjured up by special magical people who know the secret spell; Asda's own identical stuff costs £2.64 for a bottle containing up to 40 doses, depending on the age and needs of the baby.

We don't even know whether the baby actually needs it every time she decides on it. If she isn't keeping adequate stocks of milk/food/nappies or whatever other basics in - to the extent she's constantly having to go and beg them from neighbours - how do we know that the baby isn't just crying of hunger or because it's dirty and needs changing, and she thinks 'crying with discomfort - that requires Calpol'?

I really don't want to, but I do actually agree with this. In principle I agree with giving a sick child Calpol when it's nighttime and they're in need. But in practice, it's those moments where you realise you've let yourself or your child down that stop you doing it again. Having to wrangle her sick child into the car and go to a 24hr shop to buy Calpol is the kind of thing that you remember the next time you walk past it in the shop. So yeah OP, I do think what you did was heartless but I also don't think you had much of a choice if your ultimate goal is to get her to stop.

I think you actually did the right thing.
Always deal with issues in the moment, don't leave it till later.

You supplied the calpol, which is the best interest of the child, but made she she wouldn't ask again. Spot on.

Then you are enabling that behaviour, likely on the pretext of considering yourself a 'nice' person.

In the longer term you may not be doing NDN's child any favours whatsoever.

I would give her the bottle/box of cereal/whatever and ask her to replace it when the shops are open. Do this every time, hopefully she will soon stop asking and probably move on to someone else. I would be more annoyed at them for knocking on my door at 11pm or 6.30am. Did she wake you up?

I mean, that depends where you live, surely? There wouldn't be where I live.

I'd have given enough medicine for an unwell child to last until most shops are open at 8. It seems like the most basic of human compassion.

Because this is going way beyond what is expected of a neighbour, the OP works long hours and is exhausted when she gets home, knocking on the door at 6.30 in the morning and at 11pm is unacceptable unless it's real life or death emergency, I bet you the neighbour doesn't give a flying fuck about how knackerd the OP is...

Mmm, because if this had happened to you IRL and it hadn't resulted in further requests for 'emergency' childcare you'd have said so by now.

She doesn’t have to take sick child to shops. Plenty of delivery services.

I’d have deliveroo’d some Calpol there and sent her my referral code to sign up herself, then refused any further requests.

Has she ever returned anything she has asked for op?

Yep, Tesco Woosh! For example...

I'd have given her the bottle. When a child is sick, it's not the time to be playing these games. Once the child has recovered you can go over and tell her you won't be giving her things any more, and ask her not to knock on your door again.