AIBU to refuse repeated requests from my neighbour for supplies?

[freecalpol]

AIBU to say enough is enough? DP thinks I’m being mean and unkind and is irritated at my ‘attitude’ towards our neighbour.

She regularly knocks to ‘borrow’ something. At first it was baby wipes, then Calpol. I gave them to her on these occasions as it was late and she hadn’t long moved in so I assumed a level of disorganisation due to the move.

It continued and if it’s just me home I’ll ignore the door or say ‘sorry we don’t have any of ….’ (Whatever she is asking for) .

I work long hours and I’m exhausted. Last night at 11 pm she knocked in a panic asking for Calpol . I said fine I’ll give you one dose in the syringes but you need to buy some yourself as soon as the shop opens or get it delivered . Dp said I should have given the bottle. I have work today so wanted to get some sleep. At 630 am she was hammering on the door and saying that her dc temp had spiked and she needed more. I told her from the window no - the shop opens soon or order it or just sort something else out as I’m not a pharmacy.

Dp says I’m mean and that hopefully the child is ok. I snapped at him and said if she can’t meet her child’s needs maybe I’ll call SS to see if this is information that adds to anything they already have as she seems to be struggling and the fact it’s now impacting my life isn’t fair, so yes she needs support but not financially from me supplying medication for her child. He said I was malicious to even talk about SS.

I would always try to help another parent if I can witin decent boundries. And I have done this more than once.
Doesn't make me a mug.

It's like training a dog not to beg.
If you give in ONCE, she will start asking all the time again.

This is a horrible way to walk through one's life - essentially alone, neither giving nor asking for help. "Don't be kind - it just prevents them from learning how to stand on their own two feet."

OP had already given her a new bottle.

So many people on MN from the be kind super crew who would do anything for anybody regardless of what time it is and no matter how much they had helped already 🙄

Do you live in a deprived area by any chance?

council estates are really common for this sort of behaviour and there seems to be an expectation amongst them that you should help your neighbours out.

my mum has had this issue a lot over 40 years of living in deprived areas and she got very pissed off with it. She used to be snappy with them but they still kept coming back.

it all mounts up though keeps giving your stuff away as you then need to replace it.

cup of sugar
coffee
sellotape
some gravy
using my mums freezer space

the list goes on and on

Have you read the thread? She has! It's the neighbour playing games not the OP, she's been given tons of stuff time and time again (cereal, milk, phone charger etc) she knocks on the door 6 in the morning and 11 at night, the OP works long hours and is knackered, this isn't just a one off Calpol incident, it's a constant gravy train of free stuff which the neighbour has latched on to.

Yes @hourglass2 so OP finds out what she can, decides what to do, then moves on with her life. Lots of stuff happens to us, people cross our paths, whether we are tired or not, whether we ask them to or not. We don't have a right to never be bothered by other people's crises. If you were coming home from work after a long shift and someone crashed their bike into a tree in front of you, you wouldn't ignore it because "it's more than can be expected of a stranger, and I am tired". And even if they were high on drugs and a habitual bike-crasher with a chaotic life, and the crash was their own fault, and they're relying on strangers to help them up like a feckless eejit - well, you're the one they happen to have crashed in front of this time. Life has handed you a small task.

This is a part of life that has literally come to OP's door. Sometimes you don't get to not be bothered by stuff; you sort it out, then you move on. We owe each other at least a moment of attention.

Plus, very practically - doing the "block and ignore" kind of approach is more stress for OP in the long run. If she just says never bother me again!!! Then every time she sees the neighbour now she will be a bit worried, both socially in case she is going to have crazy requests made of her all the time, alor whether there will be repercussions of having not helped. Maybe a mad mate of the woman will threaten her? Who knows. And the ongoing back of mind worry that there might be a safeguarding issue with the children. Finding out what's going on, then taking appropriate action, is the quickest and easiest way back for OP to peace of mind and quiet enjoyment of her home.

Yes. I'm genuinely staggered at all the people arguing the OP should be more responsible for this child's health and wellbeing being than their own parent.

I suspect in real life they wouldn't be so eager but on here it's so easy to claim all of amazingly generous things they would do.

This post nails it.

Not sure where you got mug from, but it wasn't me. I said if you're fine with either doing the childcare or issuing whatever level of fuck off is necessary, there's no problem. And the whole point of this situation is it's not within decent boundaries, because OP is dealing with someone who doesn't have those.

This is genuinely one of the most offensive things I've ever seen on mn. This woman might be poor, her life might be chaotic, but comparing her to a dog is absolutely unforgivable.

Nah, YANBU.

As someone else said, if you say 'yes' when they're in dire need and 'no' when they are not, it does not sink in. They only really feel that 'no' when they are in what they perceive to be a crisis, that is when it really 'sticks'.

Otherwise they continue to believe that you will fix their problems and supply whatever it is they need if the situation is dramatic enough and usually (in my unfortunately personal experience) will just lie to make the situation sound as dramatic as necessary.

Hard no, and call SS because continuing to bail this Mum out is not doing the kid/s any favours long term.

You might find it offensive but from a learning theory/psychology POV, it is absolutely spot on.

Reward the behaviour - it will continue.

Do not reward the behaviour, consistently - it will stop.

As much as you may like to think we're dramatically different to other animals the truth is, we are not.

calfions
If you were coming home from work after a long shift and someone crashed their bike into a tree in front of you, you wouldn't ignore it because "it's more than can be expected of a stranger, and I am tired".

What a stupid fucking comparison, it's no way in any shape or form the same, of course I bloody would don't be ridiculous.

If she’s despairing to the point she’s asking at 6.30am, yes I would absolutely help out. I’d also be asking what else I can do.

That was not very neighbourly of you.

There are always easy-touch saps willing to be taken advantage of by the tight CFs of the world. They are just as bad imo, because they enable it.

No is always an option so I really don't see any problems in offering my help. Haven't signed a life long commitment helping out at one time. I have never had any problems with setting boundries or saying no. Don't get the fuss.

Maybe it's an introvert thing, but I wouldn't be happy with somebody knocking and bothering me even at reasonable times of the day for petty non-reasons. If I'm at home, I just want to be left in peace, without distractions, by default - nobody coming cadging supplies, chuggers, tradesmen wanting to do work for me... anything. It's our private space; we're not a shop or drop-in centre that's open to the general public to come and go as they please.

I'm even one of the minority of people who likes it when Amazon delivery people leave my parcel on the doorstep and then go away.

She's not comparing the woman to the dog, she's saying the principle is the same - reward unacceptable behaviour and you just reinforce that behaviour.

That's true in pets, children, employees, neighbours, everything.

I care about my neighbours, I know them all by name. I have helped them out, looked after their kids, shared allotment produce, dropped Easter eggs and Eid presents. I'm a big believer in community.

What I am not up for is 11pm and 6:30 am demands from someone too forgetful, disorganised, cheap, incompetent or CF to provide the basics for her child. Just no.

There were many ways of resolving her issue without pounding on the door at revolting o'clock. If she's that in need, she needs a social worker.

Helping out once or twice or an emergency is okay. But she’s taking the piss.

To be honest, it sounds like she isn’t coping and I probably would call SS. Of all the medicines in my house, Calpol is always there. We’ve all been there where there is a panic because we run out so most people learn from that and make sure they have more.

As stated several times now, if you specifically are fine with saying no when asked then there's no problem for you. It's still worth other people thinking about whether they want to usher in the inevitable requests for more free childcare, if they're less comfortable with no is a final answer to someone who might be emotionally blackmailing them than you are. I assume you must know, as an MN poster, that some people find that very difficult.

It’s hard to comment without knowing more. Does she work? Do you think she is overwhelmed and struggling? Is she financially struggling? I understand your frustration though. Most parents will forward plan and make sure they have cereal and Calpol etc in their house.

the things that get said make me acutely aware that he isn’t her type at all so no worries there
Or to put it another way she's 'rough', she probably thinks you're posh and have money and ought to pay for her.
I would be polite but I would be shutting her down gradually, if your husband objects then let him be the one to deal with her constant demands.

Dearie me. I’m so offended you think another human beings post is unforgivable.

have you no compassion!!! Are you a psychopath?

Of course.
It doesn't change that I would offer to look after the child while mum went out to buy Calpol.

No I don't think she would refurn. She wants Calpol free and easy and my offer isn't what she is looking for.
If she did return I would take it from there as no is always an option and I am not afraid of reminding people of their responsibilities.