Not sure if friend is being awkward here or I am?

[Blackistheneworange01]

I see her around once every couple of months, I used to work with her and have known her for about 7 years. She does often cancel last minute, she has fibromyaglia so I do understand.

She does art and I went to see her exhibition in May (which is also when I last saw her) this was 40 miles from me. Time before that I believe was February, I met her about 15 miles away as she works in a school there.

We've agreed to meet next weekend (25th/26th for lunch). I asked her whether the 25th or 26th was better and she said "shall we do the 26th?" I'm already in the area (we're meeting near where she lives) on the 26th late afternoon.

I said to her I'd be free until after lunch/mid afternoon on the 26th. She said, ok no worries, shall we do the 25th then so we don't have to leave until later?
The issue is I'll have to do a 95 mile round trip on both days if I do the day before. Meeting for lunch still gives us a couple of hours. I'm on a budget and the lunch place is quite expensive, I can't stick around hours and carry on paying for endless drinks, then potentially dinner etc. Plus petrol and parking both the Saturday and Sunday. We'd still get a good few hours, shall I say I'd just need to meet on the Sunday?

I don't always have to bend over backwards, I'm already travelling to her again.

The issue is I'll have to do a 95 mile round trip on both days if I do the day before. Meeting for lunch still gives us a couple of hours. I'm on a budget and the lunch place is quite expensive, I can't stick around hours and carry on paying for endless drinks, then potentially dinner etc. Plus petrol and parking both the Saturday and Sunday. We'd still get a good few hours, shall I say I'd just need to meet on the Sunday?

Ermm yeah 😳🤷‍♂️

Don’t be a doormat. Just say you’re only available on Sunday and it will need to be another time if she isn’t free. She seems to be the one dictating all the terms and really, this friendship seems a bit one sided. Suggest she comes to yours next time? Then you can see if she’s actually bothered about seeing you.

But the OP literally said...

"I asked her whether the 25th or 26th was better"

She asked and her friend answered.

And it was a completely pointless question given that it doesn't suit the OP.

Why the angst? Just respond saying no, I will see you on 26th but need to be at x place by Y time. How about lunch at Z?

I know what you mean. After she said the 26th suited her, another friend who's had a baby invited me over. I mentioned I was in the area on the 26th and so I said I'd come over after meeting my friend for lunch.

I don't get why meeting for a couple of hours is not enough? Since we're an hour apart, I'd understand if someone we're travelling from hours away/abroad or something. Anyway I know what I've got to do now.

I think you shouldn’t have made plans with the other friend until you had discussed timings and expectations with the first friend.

I think you should just be honest with her. Tell her that the 26th is better for you because you’re already in the area, you don’t have to leave her until ….pm, which gives you plenty of time to catch up without having to rush, and it saves you having to do a 95 mile round trip and pay for parking two days in a row.

I think it’s always better to set out some boundaries right from the start. She might think you’re fine with doing that drive and that you’d like nothing more than to sit in an expensive restaurant all afternoon. So you need to let her know that it’s not convenient at all.

Why are you friends if it’s this difficult to be honest with her?

Maybe I shouldn't have confirmed with the other friend, but I didn't want to mess her about either. Tbh I only ever make loose plans with friend 1 because of her cancelling often. (She's done it the day before many times so there's a good chance this won't go ahead)

You’re not unreasonable but this is partly on you for giving her the choice of days. Why didn’t you suggest only the day you were already in the area?

But you said you're only free till mid afternoon so how can you go and see your other friend?

I didn't make plans with friend 2 until friend one said the Sunday suited her better.

I'm going to see friend 2 mid afternoon. I planned to meet friend 1 for lunch then leave mid afternoon to see friend 2, as she's a 10 minute drive. I probably haven't planned it well but I'd still have a good few hours with friend 1, i didn't think that would be an issue.

But you didn't have much time to offer her on the Sunday, yet you found time to see another friend too after you asked her?

I feel like I mightve been unclear or muddled some points up so:

Initially I was free all weekend. I asked friend 1 whether she wanted to do Saturday or Sunday. She said Sunday. A few days later I talked to friend 2. I said 'I'm in your area Sunday 26th are you free? And she said yes.

But friend 2 didn't invite you until after you asked friend 1 about Sunday.

So what was it preventing you from spending more time with friend 1 that doesn't prevent you visiting friend 2?

I planned to stay a few hours with friend 1 (3 hours) I thought that was adequate time. I don't know, everyone is different but I struggle to spend hours on end with one person. In our previous meetups we've never stayed more than about 2 hours and we agreed on lunch so why would I need to stay until evening?

Could you ask friend 2 if morning would suit her better, then you aren’t putting a time limit on your lunch with friend 1. If friend 1 cancels on the day, it won’t muck up your plans with friend 2.

Whether I was seeing friend 2 or not, seeing a friend for a couple of hours is enough for me. I know people have different expectations. I'll only be with friend 2 a couple of hours too, then ill be heading home. It's not a priority or preference thing.

Even if friend 2 were not in the equation, I'd only be staying with friend 1 for a couple of hours, due to budget and tolerance level. It's not against her, but I am on a budget, I've budgeted for a lunch, petrol and parking.

Don’t worry it does make sense to me. Friend 1 is probably a bit miffed and feeling like you are ditching her to meet another friend, she might think you are rushing lunch and on the clock.

I understand she probably does feel like that, I probably shouldn't have said anything and just let it come to an end naturally.

I haven't said to friend 1 what I'm doing after, just that I've got plans later on.

See if friend 2 could switch to the morning

I think this is also an expectations thing. I'm not sure if friend 1 is wanting to spend a full day together, but that's not what I want to do even if I had no other plans. That's too much for me, and that's not against her I just find that a bit too long.