Not sure if friend is being awkward here or I am?

[Blackistheneworange01]

I see her around once every couple of months, I used to work with her and have known her for about 7 years. She does often cancel last minute, she has fibromyaglia so I do understand.

She does art and I went to see her exhibition in May (which is also when I last saw her) this was 40 miles from me. Time before that I believe was February, I met her about 15 miles away as she works in a school there.

We've agreed to meet next weekend (25th/26th for lunch). I asked her whether the 25th or 26th was better and she said "shall we do the 26th?" I'm already in the area (we're meeting near where she lives) on the 26th late afternoon.

I said to her I'd be free until after lunch/mid afternoon on the 26th. She said, ok no worries, shall we do the 25th then so we don't have to leave until later?
The issue is I'll have to do a 95 mile round trip on both days if I do the day before. Meeting for lunch still gives us a couple of hours. I'm on a budget and the lunch place is quite expensive, I can't stick around hours and carry on paying for endless drinks, then potentially dinner etc. Plus petrol and parking both the Saturday and Sunday. We'd still get a good few hours, shall I say I'd just need to meet on the Sunday?

I don't always have to bend over backwards, I'm already travelling to her again.

I think I'll file this one under "tortuous"

I think it’s just a case of wires crossed.

She probably didn’t realise you deliberately put the second thing in on the same day because you’d be in the area.

Sorry but I don’t understand why you said to friend you could do lunch on 25 or 26th, when you weren’t going be available until after lunch on 25th? Ie You were only available for lunch on 26th? You shouldn’t have pencilled in friend 2 until friend 1 was firmed. I think you’ve messed her around and been a bit rude.

Yes this. OP You're making this super complicated where it doesn't need to be. No-one is saying that's it's unacceptable to only meet a friend for lunch if you have a later commitment, or that's it's unacceptable to book a later commitment if you're meeting someone earlier. It's just that given an apparently entirely free choice between seeing a friend on Saturday when she has the whole day free and on Sunday when she only has lunchtime free, I would assume it would be nicer for her and me to do Saturday, that's all. Not because it's impossible to have a nice lunch together in less than 3 hours or that I really need or even want to have longer together, just everything is very slightly more rushed and less flexible if one of you is on the clock, even with plenty of time.

How is your friend to know that you deliberately booked both one after the other for driving efficiency -NOT saying it's unacceptable what you've done or that I'd be annoyed, of course not, just saying that if I was your friend it's quite likely I'd read your message as implying you would rather do Saturday. No need to fly off the handle, just send her a nice message saying you'd rather stick with Sunday?

OP I think you're overthinking this. Just tell her since she said 26th, 25th is no longer convenient but still happy to meet if she is.

Can you not meet earlier on the 26th? Maybe a stroll then lunch? I have fibro too and a stroll is achievable.

I don't think your post was unclear OP.

But I do think you should just say that you can't do the journey twice in one weekend, so can you still do lunch Sunday? Or can she come to you Saturday instead? If she's miffed about you meeting another person after her, then she needs to be clear she was expecting to spend the whole afternoon with you.

I don't know why you are getting a hard time.
Driving 95 miles round trip?
Perfectly reasonable to combine two meet ups.
If it doesn't suit her, tell her perhaps another time.

I couldn't be arsed with people who are hard work.

In future OP, don't ask, spell out what you are prepared to do.

"The 26th will work for me as due to the distance I am travelling I will also be popping into another friend later. I can do lunch from x to y.".

If she has a problem say "fine perhaps some other time. I am not prepared to drive that distance two days in a row".
Simple.

Spell out what suits you, as you are making all this effort.

She sounds like hard work, but you need to grab control of what you want to say and spell out exactly what you are prepared to do.

Up to her if she wants to make it work.
4 hours is more than enough.

Yea that’s exactly what you say. I mean it’s a no brainer! Why do you even have to ask?

She's not being awkward, you're just not saying what you want.
You want her to guess what's best for you so you don't have to say it.
Just tell her when you're available.

For starters, why don't you suggest a cheaper restaurant?

She's not your friend, she has you running around in circles.

Sorry OP.

you are the architect of this whole scenario.
You asked her what day was better. She answered.
YOU made extra plans, and instead of being honest about what they were and why you made them, you just vaguely said you had to leave by a certain piont - so then she probably thought she was doing you a favour by switching days. You are the one being awkward.

Just say sorry I know I gave a choice between the 2 days but after thinking about it, it’s needs to be 26th for me else it’s going to be too much driving that weekend, hope that’s ok to meet then?

So you made plans with friend 1, then having made those plans, made plans with friend 2 that meant you would have less time to spend with friend 1?

I don’t think it’s friend 1 who is being unreasonable here. Nor are you necessarily, but if friend 1 thought she was going to be spending the day with you and that’s changed, it’s your job to communicate that to her.

I'm not sure why you can't just tell friend 1 that after she agreed to the 26th you made plans for later in the afternoon to see someone else as you'd be local and you don't want to do the journey on both days? Although it does look a little rude? Like your friend is only allowed a certain amount of your time?

I suppose as you are making the journey though you get to decide how to split your time. Stick the the facts though.

"Hi Friend A,

Can we stick to lunch on Sunday? After you agreed to the 26th I made plans to drop in on another friend locally later in the day as if I'm in the area it would save me (time and money) doing the journey twice.

I still have plenty of time for lunch and look forward to seeing you"

I appreciate that lunch usually lasts x amount of time but I can also understand friend A being a little big miffed she is on a time limit (it's totally different if you had the later plans already).

Although there are plenty of clues in your posts about a backstory with friend 1. You say you can only tolerate a few hours with this friend? And you also mention it costing you - meaning that you pay for friend 1? Do you like this person / want to see them? Are they a piss taker?

I may have misunderstood your comments about only being able to tolerate a few hours. I see this is more in general than specific to friend A.

And same for budget. I guess the longer you stay the more you spend (not that you pay for friend A)

Why don't you just say that you can do the 25th but you'll need to do it closer to you because of all the travelling

Your friend isn't the issue here. You offered a choice, she said the 26th and you then made plans with someone else as well, deliberately limiting the time you spent with her, which just comes across as rude.

That's what I noticed. Why did OP offer that option??

I think just be honest say you in that area and would suit you better. You 2 days on road otherwise.

No she hasn’t. She’s being a perfectly reasonable friend, responding to OP and asking what’s best for her. OP just isn’t asserting herself.
As for her not driving to you, OP, have you even offered her to come to yours. I always used to drive to my friend’s house/a restaurant near her her, and got a bit miffed… then one day she said “I’d love an invite to yours sometime”. Hadn’t even occurred to me that she was waiting for me to suggest it!
All of this is down to poor communication.

You're not unreasonable for wanting to meet on 26th. But you are unreasonable for asking what she prefers if you were just going to ignore that as a consideration anyway!

YANBU at all. You've suggested a lunch meet-up on the 26th that would neatly overlap with a trip you're already making — that's not you being stingy with time, that's just sensible, especially given you're already covering the travel and cost side of things fairly consistently in this friendship (40 miles for the exhibition, 15 miles for the school meet-up, and now this).

A lunch date genuinely does give you "a couple of hours" as you said — that's a proper catch-up, not a rushed coffee. Wanting to avoid an entirely separate 95-mile round trip on the Saturday, on top of Sunday, plus the extra cost of lingering for drinks and possibly dinner at an expensive venue, isn't unreasonable at all — that's just being realistic about your budget and your time.

I'd just be straightforward with her: something like "I can only really do the Sunday around lunch, as I'm in the area for something else that day — the 25th would mean a separate trip which isn't doable for me right now." You don't need to overexplain the budget/petrol details unless you want to, "it doesn't work for me on the 25th" is enough of a reason on its own.

You don't have to keep restructuring your time and money around a friendship where you're already the one doing the bulk of the travelling. Sunday lunch is a generous offer as it stands.

Why ask the question and five options if you would only do one of the days. Sounds like a real none issue. Just say what you mean instead of smoke and mirrors 😧