AIBU to feel touched out while my husband wants more affection?

[Coraturtle]

Sorry this is long but I don't want to make DH out to be the bad guy because I don't think he is. I just don't know whether I'm being unreasonable or whether this is just another phase of becoming parents.

DH and I are both in our mid/late 30s. We had our first child last year after 9 yrs together and our little boy turns one in August.

I absolutely adore our son but if I'm honest, I've found this first year far harder than I ever imagined. I thought I was prepared but nothing prepares you for how relentless it is. The sleep deprivation, the constant responsibility, worrying about every little thing, never really switching off. I struggled emotionally in the early months and although things are much better now, I still don't feel like "old me."

Throughout all of this DH has genuinely been brilliant. He does his share around the house, gets up with our son at weekends so I can have a lie in, cooks, cleans, changes nappies, does bedtime. He's a very involved dad and I honestly couldn't ask for more in that respect.

The problem seems to be... us.
Before having our son we were one of those couples who were always close. Sitting with our legs over each other on the sofa, holding hands, random hugs in the kitchen, kissing each other goodbye even if it was just popping to the shops. We'd often just sit cuddled up watching TV without even thinking about it. Physical affection has always been a huge part of our relationship.

Now by the end of the day I honestly feel completely "touched out." My son is on me constantly. He's at that age where he wants picking up, climbing over me, pulling himself up on me, wanting feeding, (I’m still breast feeding I want to do it for a bit longer as I feel guilty not doing that) wanting comforting. I spend most of the day with someone physically attached to me. I have gone back to work 3 times a week for now which has been very hard to adjust to.

By the evening I just want to sit down and have a cup of tea without another human touching me for five minutes.

It's not that I don't love DH or don't fancy him. We still have sex fairly regularly (probably once or twice a week on average, sometimes more, sometimes less depending on how shattered we both are). To me that seems fairly healthy considering we have a baby.

But DH says sex isn't really the issue.
He says he misses affection.
According to him I never initiate affection anymore, I move away if he tries to cuddle on the sofa because I say I'm too hot or uncomfortable, I don't randomly kiss him anymore, if he puts his arm round me I tend to carry on scrolling my phone rather than lean into him.

He said recently, "I feel like I have to ask permission just to get a cuddle."
That actually upset me because I hadn't realised he felt that way.
I explained exactly what I've written above, that by bedtime I've had someone touching me literally all day and my body just needs a bit of space. He said he completely understands the concept of being touched out but that he also feels like he's gone from being my partner to just someone who helps run the household.

His words were, "Our son gets every bit of your affection. I get whatever energy you've got left."I didn't really know what to say because in some ways I understand why he'd feel that way, but equally our son is a baby. He literally needs me.

It's not just before sex either. Even afterwards he'll want to lie there cuddling for ages, chatting or just holding each other. Which is lovely in theory, but sometimes all I want is a quick shower, clean pyjamas and to get into bed on my own side and go to sleep. By that point it's often late and I know our son will probably be awake at 6am, I want to have enough energy to go on the exercise bike in the morning because our son wakes up. I feel awful admitting it because I know he's only looking for closeness, but sometimes it genuinely feels like another demand on me when all I want is to switch off.

Another thing he's brought up is that he thinks I've become a much more anxious person since becoming a mum. A few weeks ago we left our son overnight with DH's parents for the first time. Well, technically we were collecting him the following morning because we'd planned dinner, drinks. It was the first proper date we'd had in months.

Dinner was lovely. We laughed, had a few drinks, talked about things other than nappies and for a while it actually felt like us again.
But I'll admit I kept bringing our son up.
I kept saying things like, "Do you think he's had enough milk?", "Should we ring and check he's okay?", "What if he won't settle?" “Why haven’t they sent any pictures of him”, "I can always pump some more when we get back if he needs it."After about the fourth or fifth time DH said, "Can you just relax? He's absolutely fine." I said I was trying.

He then said, "I just want one evening where I feel like I've got my wife to myself without your mind being somewhere else."
Again, I felt guilty because I know exactly what he meant, but I couldn't just switch my brain off. It wasn't that I didn't want to be there with him, I was having a lovely time, but my brain is constantly thinking about our son.

There's probably one other thing that's been bothering me too. Since becoming parents DH seems to be drinking more than he used to. I'm not talking about getting drunk every night, but it's become almost routine for him to have one or two beers after work. On its own I probably wouldn't think much of it, but it's becoming such a habit that I've started noticing it.

Last weekend we were at his parents' house for a family BBQ.His mum had bought me a few summery outfits to cheer me up because she thought they'd suit me, so she asked me to try them on. I came downstairs wearing one of the dresses and everyone was saying how nice it looked.

My SIL smiled and said along the lines of ‘You've snapped back so quickly after having a baby.’
I laughed because I don't really think I have, I've just lost most of the pregnancy weight naturally from running around after an almost one year old.

By this point DH had had far too much to drink. He wasn't just tipsy, he was very drunk.
He smiled and said, "Yeah... shame I barely get to touch her."Everyone laughed but it was one of those really awkward laughs where nobody quite knew what to say.That wasn't even the end of it.Throughout the evening he kept making little comments about how I never cuddle him anymore and how our son gets all my attention. At one point he laughed and said, "I'm jealous of my own son."Again, awkward silence.Then, to my absolute horror, he started talking about our sex life.
He said before we had our son I used to be much more adventurous, that I used to enjoy giving him oral sex, and now "it's just missionary”I wanted the ground to swallow me up.His parents were sitting there. His sister was sitting there.Nobody knew where to look.
My MIL suddenly started clearing stuff, FIL stared at the barbecue, SIL immediately tried changing the subject, BIL and his wife just changed the subject. I don't think anyone found it funny. I think they were embarrassed for me.On the taxi home I asked him why on earth he'd thought that was an appropriate conversation to have in front of his family.
He genuinely seemed surprised that I'd been so upset.

He said he'd only been joking but admitted there was "truth behind every joke."
The next morning he apologised repeatedly. He admitted he'd had far too much to drink, said he couldn't even remember saying some of it and was mortified when I told him exactly what he'd come out with.
He said he'd never intended to humiliate me.
The thing is, I don't actually think he's trying to pressure me. If anything, I think he's genuinely lonely. He says he misses me.

But equally I can't help feeling he's become quite needy. Sometimes it feels like if we're sitting on the sofa he wants to be touching me. If we're in bed he wants to cuddle. If we're walking somewhere he wants to hold hands. It's almost as though he's desperately trying to recreate how we were before the baby, whereas I'm still trying to work out who I even am now.

I also can't ignore the fact that he's drinking more than he used to, and all of these feelings seem to come pouring out once he's had too much.

I feel guilty because I honestly don't know how to give any more than I already am. By the time our son is asleep I've usually been "on duty" for 13 hours and I just want to sit quietly for half an hour.

I don't want every evening to involve sitting on the same sofa under the same blanket holding hands. Sometimes I just want to exist in my own space for a bit.

At the same time I don't want him feeling unloved either because he really has been an amazing husband and father throughout all of this.

In a way I’m still adjusting to motherhood but I also want to keep our relationship. I know these things probably just take time. I’m still in love with him. I’ve just got a whole human that needs me a lot and I don’t know to adjust and be chill.

Oh dear, this is so common there have been books written on it.

A baby is like a bomb going off in a relationship and you need to give it a year for it to settle and nothing fits back the way it used to. It has to take a different path.

Him feeling neglected and needy just turns into another 'thing' to do. He's not helping himself and this is when their eyes start wandering because the poor things aren't getting needs met. What about your needs?

It does settle down though, you need to keep talking and he needs a good telling off from another bloke by the sounds of it and to take the baby for the full day regularly so you get time to decompress.

This is exactly how I felt when I had PND. And I was a GP and had treated lots of pnd. My GP sat me down and had a long chat with me and I started antidepressants (not saying you will need them but I had reached rock bottom) GP could tell from my body language I was depressed. It's not normal to be feeling so bad at this stage.
You can get access to counselling throughout the GP and HV. It was my HV who sent me to the GP. A GP will not laugh at you.

Being blunt, and you won't like this - you sound like a classic anxious overachiever, he sounds like a stereotype of a sex orientated nice but dim type. He should lay off the drink for a year, you should stop breastfeeding. Stop all physical contact for a week or two, take the pressure off. Reduce the stakes, you are enough.

I haven’t read the full thread. But I have read a lot of it. I haven’t seen people pushing you to “take medication” so apologies for that. I was very careful not to suggest meditation when I urged you to “seek treatment”. There is much more to that than meds, as I’m sure you know. Having said that, there is no shame or stigma to taking medication and medication can be hugely effective. I have literally seen life-changing results with it so I do think we have a responsibility not to imply that medicine is in some way negative.
You know yourself best. I do think it’s great that you are planning to get treatment for your anxiety. Good luck OP.

Your latest posts are now minimising, because you are oddly resistant to taking the drugs that will help you.
Your level of anxiety is not okay.
Your depression is not okay.

Yes, counselling is a good idea - for you alone, and also perhaps couples counselling. But I think you also should be open to taking medication.

Your baby is nearly one year old now, not a newborn. You say: "I’m still breast feeding I want to do it for a bit longer as I feel guilty not doing that."
Feeling guilty is not a good reason to continue breastfeeding, particularly if you are now back at work, and are permanently exhausted.
Don't let your idealism about how babies 'should' be cared for get in the way of your family's happiness.

As was said upthread, you need more time alone, away from both baby and DH. DH needs more time one-to-one with baby. You need to get your anxiety under control and stop undermining DH's parenting with your need for reassurance.

he wants me to have that break, and he genuinely enjoys spending one on one time bonding with him.The difficulty is that I struggle to switch off. Even when I'm out, I'll find myself texting him asking for photos and videos,

Your behaviour is not okay. You need to stop that texting and trust his parenting.
Seriously, your anxiety is way out of control.

However, his drinking is also totally unacceptable.

How about a pact: he stops drinking, and you stop anxiety-texting.

Easier said than done. I do not go out of my way to be anxious and I know its 'out of control'

Of course it is easier said than done.
But you still need to stop doing it.

I too don't think people are pushing medication, just that you seek support and treatment via a GP.
Your baby is a year old, this has gone on far too long.
You have suffered enough.
I definitely think a blood panel is required and to specifically check your iron, B and D, magnesium levels.
Good nutrition can get lost and a tonic and good quality supplements can help as you seek counselling.

If your GP suggests medication, I would trust their professional advice.

A year is a long time to still be feeling like this.

I do find it a little surprising that so many people have recommended medication, with some even messaging me suggesting specific drugs like sertraline. I work in the medical field and prescribe medication regularly, but I would never recommend a prescription medication to someone online when I don't know their full medical history. I know those suggestions are coming from a place of kindness, but it's a decision I'd rather make with my own/ GP.

But you aren’t talking to your GP and nor do you have any plans to.

Sertraline is a pretty bog standard anti depressant it’s not very controversial for people to say it helped them. You aren’t going to be able to get it without a conversation which will take into account your medical history.

Just reading this gave me the ick

I don't think I'm minimising how I'm feeling at all. I've acknowledged several times that my anxiety is affecting me and that it is something I need support with. That's exactly why I am arranging counselling. However, counselling is not an instant fix just as medication is not something that immediately resolves everything either. These things take time, work, and patience.

Where I disagree is with the assumption that because I don't want medication at this stage I am somehow refusing treatment. Medication is one treatment option, but it is not the only option, and it is not the route I feel is right for me at the moment.

I am also a doctor. A significant part of my job involves prescribing medications, so I am very aware of their benefits, risks, and potential side effects. My decision is not based on stigma, fear, or a lack of understanding of how medication works; it is a personal decision based on what I feel is appropriate for me right now.

Regarding breastfeeding, I am continuing because it is something that feels important to both myself and my son. I have done my research I understand my own body and I have made a decision that feels right for us. My son is not solely breastfed; he also eats a wide variety of foods. Yes I have mentioned feeling guilty, but like many emotions that come with parenting guilt is not always completely rational. That does not mean I am unwilling to make changes if things need to change.

I completely agree that I need to work on my anxiety. My husband already encourages me to have time for myself and regularly spends one on one time with our son. The irony is that when I do go out, I am usually the one messaging him asking for photos and videos worrying about whether our son is okay, whether he is happy, and whether he is settled. That is not because my husband is incapable, and it is not because I am trying to undermine him as a parent. It is because my anxiety makes it difficult for me to switch off.

Today for I have had the whole day to myself while our son is with my husband's parents. I have had moments of anxiety but I have not called or messaged to check on him because I know he is safe, loved, and well cared for. That doesn't mean I don't miss him. I genuinely enjoy spending time with my son and want to cherish this stage while he is still young.

I have nieces and nephews and I have seen how quickly time passes. Before I know it my son will be at school, and our ordinary days together will look very different. He will finish school, come home, eat, and then it will be bedtime. Right now I have the opportunity to spend this time with him, and I want to appreciate it. Wanting to be present and enjoy my child is not the same thing as not allowing my husband to bond with him or not taking time for myself.

I know people are commenting because they are concerned, and I genuinely appreciate that. I just think it is important to remember that there are different ways to approach mental health and a post can only ever show a small snapshot of someone's life and circumstances.

Ahahaha I will try my very best

He seems completely unaware of the short term and natural shifts that happens when a baby comes along. Especially down to the hormonal shifts.

Had you made him the centre of your universe before the baby came along.

Be kind to yourself here. Your baby is very young. It’s exhausting and relentless.
your husband sounds jealous of the change in you. The normal and natural shift when a woman becomes a mother. You are prioritising your baby who literally relies on you for every need.
your husband is actually doing really well. He gets twice weekly sex ! Loads of husbands with young babies don’t get anything approaching this. He should be delighted. But instead he’s heaping on the pressure and the guilt. Ffs. He’s being a man-baby. You made this actual baby together. Husband is not solely centre of your universe any more. And he never will be. Your child is there too.
you go on a date with him and he’s still not happy, and accusing you of being anxious ! Of course you are if you’ve left your breastfed baby for a night for the first time. For reference I didn’t leave my three babies overnight anywhere until they were 3y+ so this is not an uncommon feeling.
YANBU at all. You’re doing great !
tell your husband that your pre-children life has gone, he needs to catch up and appreciate you, and quit drinking and complaining.

I think there are quite a few assumptions in your response.
I have spoken to my doctor just not about the inner details or me crying at work because I my MIL has send me a video of my son crawling and I miss him. I do not see the point of telling them such details. They know I'm struggling with anxiety, and they know the support I'm putting in place. I've also arranged private counselling. I am not anti-help.

I also know that sertraline is a very commonly prescribed antidepressant. I'm a doctor myself, and I spent time working as a GP, so I've prescribed it many times. I also saw plenty of patients who came in asking/even demanding for a specific antidepressant by name because they'd read about it or had it recommended by someone else. We'd have a proper discussion about their symptoms, medical history, and whether it was the right treatment for that individual but some just wanted medication and would not explore other treatment options.

I'm not anti-medication and I'm not refusing help. I simply don't feel that medication is the right choice for me at this stage. As a doctor, I understand both the benefits and the potential side effects, and I believe I have the autonomy to decide which treatment options I want to pursue.

I also know myself. I'd like to try managing my anxiety through counselling and by learning practical coping strategies before considering medication. My goal isn't to just reduce the symptoms it's to develop the skills and resilience to manage my anxiety in the long term.

If, despite that, I wasn't improving or things became worse, I would reassess with my doctor. But at the moment, I feel comfortable with the plan I've put in place and I'd appreciate people respecting that decision.

Honestly a lot of what you are describing is very normal. I have 3 children but only successfully BF on my 3rd and I did it for a couple of years and I considered it very worthwhile and a very good parenting investment. But from that I know what you mean by being touched out. Yet you have maintained a very decent degree of sexual relationship with your husband in spite of that which is very considerate of his experience. I know what you mean about the adjustment period but you are adjusting well. We can all relate to that I think.

A post upthread said you were a high achieving perfectionist and I think there might be a decent bit of truth to that. You are clearly very intelligent but at the moment you are using your intellect to avoid dealing emotionally with some of what you are genuinely experiencing.

Your husband’s behaviour is very off. You are considering his needs but he is projecting how he thinks you should feel at the moment rather than how you do actually feel.

The high degree of anxiety is partially likely to be hormones as mothers are naturally biologically connected to their babies at this age but also you are putting up with a lot from your DH’s lack of adapting well to the change in your life. To me you are over functioning and he is very much under functioning in this regard and that is very likely to be contributing to your anxiety.

If you do decide to deal with your anxiety via counselling it is very likely your will have to confront some significant issues that are currently in your relationship which currently you are intellectualising because they really are not ok.

Honestly, I'm really shocked that you don't think that OP's husband is in the wrong after this diatribe in front of his whole family:

'He smiled and said, "Yeah... shame I barely get to touch her."Everyone laughed but it was one of those really awkward laughs where nobody quite knew what to say.That wasn't even the end of it.Throughout the evening he kept making little comments about how I never cuddle him anymore and how our son gets all my attention. At one point he laughed and said, "I'm jealous of my own son."Again, awkward silence.Then, to my absolute horror, he started talking about our sex life.

He said before we had our son I used to be much more adventurous, that I used to enjoy giving him oral sex, and now "it's just missionary”I wanted the ground to swallow me up.His parents were sitting there. His sister was sitting there.Nobody knew where to look.'

It's pretty unforgivable.

Agreed and no amount of medication that the OP takes is going to sort that problem out. I’d feel anxious all of the time if my husband was completely under functioning in our relationship. And no one can deny that example was a serious case of complete emotional under functioning in an adult.

I get you want to try conservative medical management first. You also know that you're not an objective observer here. Your anxiety is extreme.

Would you consider PPD/PPA assessment and therapy and possibly DBT? Would you consider medication if your provider recommended it after your assessment?

The thread has become focussed on your mental health, but you originally posted about DH.

He has apologised for his behaviour at the BBQ - are you able to accept that apology? Or is the relationship over? You can't let a resentment or bitterness fester, so either you forgive him or it is over.
If you accept the apology, the next step is for him to prove it by changing his behaviour. What action do you want to see from him?

What is he doing about the drinking? How can he prove to you that he will change his frame of mind (about his desire for affection and his jealousy).
Do you think he would benefit from counselling? Would he go to it?

The original issue, being 'touched out' - you have a right to your personal space. If you don't want him to touch you, that decision is yours, and he needs to respect it.
I do think couples counselling might help, as well as individual counselling. It may seem hugely expensive, but it will be worth it, even if you only have a few sessions each. There are few greater priorities for your money that getting your marriage back on track.

Ah a woman is overwhelmed and it's automatically put down to her mental health. How times have changed 🙄

I agree. We'll have to see how counselling goes for both of us. It may help us work through the challenges we're facing or it may show us that we need to approach things differently but we're both open to giving it a genuine try and make changes.

At the end of the day, we both want the same things. We're still adjusting to becoming parents and this is a new chapter for both of us. We both want the very best for our son, for our marriage, and for each other. I hope counselling will help us navigate this stage and the stages after.

I must agree.

I just cannot imagine how absolutely appalled/stunned most parents would be to have their son/son in law/ daughters husband, speak in such terms.

I would 100% believe the relationship to be so unhealthy and for him to have an alcohol problem.

I can honestly say I have never come across a man speak about their wife in such terms, and I have not lead a sheltered life.

I can also imagine it would cause huge stress and add to a young mothers anxiety.

That he has continued to drink alcohol after this, is so dreadful.

A genuine apology would automatically include acknowledgement to take a break from the substance that caused such a complete loss of control, so as to humiliate himself and his wife in public.

I completely accept that I'm not an objective observer when it comes to my own mental health. That's one of the reasons I'm seeking professional support rather than trying to deal with it entirely on my own.

I'm open to whatever type of therapy my therapist feels would be most appropriate. My priority at the moment is learning healthier ways to manage my anxiety and understanding why I'm feeling the way I do.

As for medication, I'm not opposed to it in principle. I understand its role and prescribe it regularly. At this stag though I don't feel it's the right option for me, and I'd prefer to try therapy first. Perhaps the people I'm just surrounded by have all experienced similar levels of anxiety, so my perspective is different. Several of my friends have told me they struggled in very similar ways when their children were babies. One of my closest friends would come out for a drink with us but spend much of the evening telling us how she misses her daughter, asking for photos and wanting updates. Her daughter is now five, she's doing brilliantly and my friend is in a completely different place and not anxious. I wish I'd paid more attention 5 years ago to my friends experiences but I did not have children at the time.

I know everyone's experience is different but hearing from people who've gone through something similar and come out the other side does give me hope that things can improve with time and the right support.